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November 10, 2006


I'm risking infuriating my few remaining readers.

Nah, you're just being honest. If you hadn't laid your cards on the table up front it'd have been "Oh Hugo, what would you know about poverty."

Besides, I think your point about beans/rice/tortillas being a good cheap foundation of meals is right on. Certainly better for you than a steady diet of ramen noodles and stolen sausage patties from the fast-food restaurant you work at, not that I would know an-y-thing about that.


Amen, Hugo.

But *Damn, man, - our first divorces were about the same time; you've manged to fit two more in the same period? Okay. We each learn our lessons differently.

Now, something useful you could contribute might be an ethical way of prevailing in a tenure fight. Hell, I wilted in the face of a resentful work-study. (That job is still my "dream job", though it's long gone. Work-study was hispanic female, I am anglo male, she was self-righteous, I was and am liberal, and therefore ready to privelege her righteousness above my own. The job was a university staff gig in my field, and I'm a liquor-store clerk ever since.

Beans/rice/tortillas is normal food, right?

(Try adding a drop of olive oil to your salted water for cooking rice - yum, it's a textural thing. Don't know if y'all can get purple hull peas in California, but they're the best-tasting of the "black-eye pea" family.
Hope you never need to know any of this again, Hugo.)

Kathy McCarty

What a great post Hugo! It made me feel glad and hopeful and good that you realized that you DO know something PROFOUNDLY useful.

Seriously, great post!


I applaud you being able to start over 3 x. DO you think it would have been easy for a woman to start over 3x?


Wonderful post, Hugo. 'Course in your case splitting up and starting over was probably "easier" since your marriages were relatively brief and there were no children involved....think of how much more difficult it must be for the person who's been married for years and years and who has kids... no wonder so many people stay in unhappy relationships: starting over must seem like an overwhelmingly difficult prospect.


Pat, agreed. And Jan, I don't know many folks my age divorced three times. I have female friends who have two strikes, however, and they certainly have experienced more judgment than I have. Usual reactions I get range from "you stupid man" to "you rascal." Harsher things get said to women all the time, I suspect.


i heart this post, hugo.


"Harsher things get said to women all the time, I suspect."

Ya think so?

I think most people are more wrapped up in their own lives. If I spent the time to contemplate it, I'd probably pretty much think the same thing about a man or a woman who had a string of divorces.


Hugo, you don't need to be able to regrout your bathtub or fix a leaky pipe to contribute something to others. As you noted you have your own experiences in life and certainly in physical health and well-being to draw on. And if everyone knew how to do all the stuff around their homes and never called anyone to come fix or remodel anything, people like my dad would be out of work. As far as worse things being said to women who divorce, I heartily agree with you there. People treated my aunt terribly when she separated from my uncle and filed for divorce. Women came up to her in church and scolded her, telling her that marriages take work and she shouldn't give up so easily. They were idiots to think it was easy for her to divorce the man she'd been married to for over a decade and had four children with. It didn't help much for her to know that if they knew what he'd done to precipitate it they'd shut their mouths. Meanwhile, he was pitied because he moved out of the house into an apartment and his three oldest kids wanted nothing to do with him for a long, long time, and still have less than warm feelings about him now, about eight years later.


^^ I don't know the situation of your aunt's divorce, but comments like ones from G make me want to stick a boot up his ass. Women actually on the average fare far worse post-divorce than men, it's still a ststistical fact- yet people keep insinuating that women somehow make out like bandits. some do, but it's the exception, not the rule.

Besides, if she has full custody of 4 kids, it makes more sense for her to stay in a larger place than a now-single man.


A great post; you have learned what many have not.

Life is not about WHAT you have, but who you have in your life.

AND----I agree 100% with your comments in Feministe about projecting political anger at children of politicians. Thank you for that.


G, you're banned.

Nomen Nescio

how could anybody old enough to drive not know how to pump their own gas?

apologies if that came across condescending; i was trying for utterly flabbergasted. it just seems so much easier an operation, on balance, than (say) staying on the road at highway speeds is, that... well, i just don't get it.

then again, i wasn't raised in the U.S. either. in my native country, if anybody'd tried to bag my groceries for me at the store, i would have been deeply offended and likely assumed i was being robbed. i'm still not used to it, after eight years here.

and i've even been told there are people here -- of driving age -- who don't know how to change a tire on their cars, either. cripes, i did that as a teenager, and if anybody ever bothered to tell me how i've completely forgotten -- it's just not something difficult enough that one should need be instructed in it, in my humble opinion. am i just strange?


So Hugo, that's why I still stop by, but seldom comment anymore. And though I certainly could, I will refrain from responding.

Ji Hyang Sunim

Thank you for your post-- your resilience is evident, and inspiring.


People in NJ -- where all stations are full serve -- often do not know how to pump their own gas.


G, all of your posts will be deleted even if you change your IP.



It's your blog--run it as you like--but I'd like to know what was so offensive about G's comment (as I like commenting here occasionally.) My guess, based on my own observation, would have agreed with his--that men are blamed for divorce at least as much as women.

Lynn Gazis-Sax

It looks to me as if Hugo deleted the last couple of comments that G made before Hugo banned him. There was at least one that sounded worse than the one that's still left (which remaining comment is, indeed, as SamChevre said, not particularly offensive).

Lynn Gazis-Sax

FWIW, I think men are blamed as much for divorce as women are, but that women are blamed more than men for having many partners. I'm not sure how that falls out when both a man and a woman have multiple divorces in their past.



I also wouldn't mind knowing why G got banned.


He violated my rules against personal attacks, and those comments have been deleted, shortly after they were posted in most cases.

I am not obliged to leave them up so that others can weigh in on whether the banning was justified.


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