A long post on pro-feminist men and the "fear of faggotry"

My post last Thursday on men and feminist anger has drawn more than 130 comments, the highest total for any post so far this year.  It's been discussed elsewhere, like at Pandagon, as well as at a couple of the infamous men's rights advocate discussion boards.

At the MRA sites, some of the comments turn to the inevitable questioning of my sexuality.  I've written before, here and here, about the typical strategies used by anti-feminists against pro-feminist men.  Though pro-feminist men get hit by many slurs, by far the most consistent tactic is to question our heterosexuality.  The "if he thinks that way, he must be gay" is a line with which virtually every pro-feminist man is well familiar.

A couple of weeks ago, a male student of mine in my women's history class asked me about this.  "Hugo, how do you handle so many people thinking you're gay?"   He was asking as much for himself as for me; though  he is straight, he reported that since he signed up for a women's studies class, he's been the target of mild but consistent anti-gay slurs.  I gave him a quick answer, ruefully conceding that "being called gay" is something that every man who does this work -- even by taking a class in feminist studies -- is going to have to endure.

In my elementary school days, the words "faggot" and "queer" were the two most potent insults that boys used on each other.  Long before I understood what they meant, I knew that they were "fighting words."  I remember getting into a scrap with Ricky De La Rosa in third grade because he called me a faggot; I had no idea what the term meant but I knew it was something I had to deny. I also learned -- quickly -- that verbal denials were insufficient.  The only effective way to fight back against this particular label was to hit.  Though I didn't understand what the word meant at age eight or nine, I did grasp that it was closely correlated with weakness; hitting back "proved" (at least temporarily) that the charge was a false one.

By the time I hit junior high, I did understand what homosexuality was.  As we transitioned into puberty, the obsession with rooting out "queerness" and "faggotry" only grew.   In my memory, girls rarely called boys "faggots", but they did say "Omigod, that's so gay!" to refer to anything that they disliked.   It was clear that homosexuality correlated with everything weak, bad, "less than"; it was the one charge that had to be denied and the one charge most difficult to disprove.

I probably got called "gay" more than most of my peers. In my childhood and early adolescence, I wasn't athletic.  I was a "drama nerd", and was active in a community theater company.  At that age, most of my good friends were either girls or other boys who, like me, were seen as softer, more intellectual, less masculine, and, definitely, "queer."  Mind you, I had figured out early on that I wasn't sexually attracted to men.   Though many things in my life were complicated when I was young, I never went through a "crisis" of sexual identity.  By the time I was thirteen, every fiber of my being was interested in girls.  I may have been too shy at that age to do anything about it, but I was never personally in doubt of my own flagrant heterosexuality.  (When I read Phillip Roth in college, I'm somewhat embarrassed to say I winced in recognition!)

But as anyone who remembers this time surely knows, when a group of boys calls you "gay", it's rather hopeless to reply hotly, "But I like girls, I really do!"  One particular embarrassing episode in eighth grade stands out to me.  Three of the "popular boys" kept asking me, not very nicely, if I was gay.  "Come on, Hugo, you can tell us", they proclaimed.  "Just admit it", they urged, like detectives questioning a guilty suspect.  I protested that I liked girls, and my tormentors inquired, "Which ones?" I then let slip the name of the one girl -- Frances -- on whom I did have a huge crush.  (Of course, Frances was a bright, outgoing girl who was the best basketball player of either sex in the whole eighth grade.   Young and clumsy Hugo always fell for the "jocks", who were utterly unattainable.)  The trio smiled, and spread my secret through all of York School.  Frances, who had been friendly, stopped speaking to me altogether.  It was not a happy time.

That was more than a quarter century ago.  Long before I ever took a women's studies class, I was called a "faggot".  Long before I cared about how I dressed, I was called "queer."  In junior high school, my clothes came from the Sears catalog. (Tuffskin jeans, anyone?)  I may pay attention to fashion these days, but I didn't when I was a kid, and I can assure you that I heard anti-gay epithets just as often back then.  Long before I began to publicly challenge men to change their lives and reconsider what it means to be masculine, I was a target of a tremendous amount of invective.  I know full well that I wasn't alone. I've sat in countless groups with other adult men, straight and gay and bi, and listened to their stories about growing up with what has often been called the "fear of faggotry."

Fear of faggotry is the earliest form of social control that young men use on each other.  Even before they understand what homosexuality is, they use the fear of being labeled "gay" or "queer" to hold other males in line.  Fear of faggotry sets limits and boundaries.  Young men learn very, very quickly that certain behaviors (crying in public, being too friendly with girls, not showing an interest in violence) get called "gay" and hence unmasculine.  By the time most American boys hit puberty, they've been well-conditioned to take often frantic measures to avoid this most common -- and most feared -- of charges.   What they learn is that public displays of compassion, of thoughtfulness, of gentleness, of verbal or artistic dexterity will all earn the epithet "faggot."   Fear of faggotry thus renders young men inarticulate; it causes them to obscure and "closet" the softer and more human sides of their nature.

As an adult, heterosexual, pro-feminist man, I don't spend time trying to disprove the charge of homosexuality.   After all, to do so would suggest that I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with being homosexual.   Young men who aspire to do pro-feminist work had better get over any internalized homophobia lickety-split!  Running around saying "Look at me, I"M NOT GAY!!!" is not only unlikely to impress anyone, it also indicates a profound discomfort with the whole notion of diverse sexualities.  If being called "fag" or "gay" makes you quake in your boots, my friend, you still have a considerable amount of work to do.  I don't say that to be unkind or insensitive, but to be brutally honest.  One of the litmus tests for whether or not a man is ready and willing to live as a pro-feminist is how he responds to the nearly-certain anti-gay slurs that will be thrown his way.  If he reacts with frantic defensiveness (as I did in eighth grade), then it's evidence he's got a ways to go on his journey.

Several of my colleagues and a huge number of my students are convinced I'm closeted.  "Married four times, eh?  Likes to wear tight jeans, Versace loafers and Paul Frank watches?  Teaches women's studies?  Something must be going on there..."  I've heard it throughout my career and I'll likely hear it for as long as I continue to teach this subject.  Yes, some of my personal aesthetic choices go against a masculine stereotype.  (Then again, I'm obsessed with college football.) But those who are most likely to question my sexuality do so less because of how I dress or how I walk and more because of my public commitment to feminism.  This is by no means unique to me; as I tell my male students, if they decide to live out a pro-feminist life they will have to endure plenty of slings and arrows -- the charge of homosexuality chief among them.   "You do this work", I tell them, "and men and women will question your sexuality for the rest of your life.  Are you strong enough to endure that?"  It's a direct challenge, and, in a not very subtle or ironic way, an appeal to the traditionally masculine virtue of courage.

Please understand, I don't think I -- or any other pro-feminist man -- is "heroic" for putting up with a lifetime of anti-gay slurs.  Yes, the "fear of faggotry" is real and powerful.  But men who do pro-feminist work still have countless privileges that their sisters do not.  Though we must put up with endless cries of "faggot" and snarky remarks behind our backs, we still get to walk through our lives in male bodies with all the entitlement that entails.  Anytime we want, we can abandon our pro-feminism and reassert our male privilege, something our sisters, wives, daughters and mothers cannot do.  Compared to the threats and burdens women face, the charge of "faggot!" -- as frightening as it may be to young men -- is small potatoes indeed.

Comments

[Hershele Ostropoler]

I thought the line was that men pretend to be feminists to get women to sleep with them. Which implies that admitting to being anti-feminist is a bad strategy, not necessarily the message such people want to convey, but whatever.

[Hugo]

That's the other slur. We're EITHER gay OR we're "wolves in sheep's clothing." A few, the lucky few, get accused of both at the same time by the same people.

[bmmg39]

"At the MRA sites, some of the comments turn to the inevitable questioning of my sexuality."

And that disgusts me. It's unfair to you, and it's a homophobic slur, just like saying "retarded" as an insult. It also demonstrates a fundamental lack of understanding toward people who are truly gay. (And would someone who was romantically attracted to other men be a "self-loathing male," as some of those say you are?)

[aspazia]

Hugo--

Thank you for this insightful post. On a slightly different point, why do you choose to refer to yourself as a pro-feminist man, rather than a feminist man? I am sure you have probably tackled this before, but I am a new reader. I had such debates over whether or not men could be feminists while I was in graduate school, but to be honest, I never could see the point why a man couldn't just claim himself a feminist. I guess I am wary of any essentialism that might underlie "feminism" if we were to circumscribe it to biological women. But, perhaps this is not your intention?

[The Gonzman]

Because it's an article of faith among many feminists that a mere male cannot truly be a feminist - it's a woman thing, and the poor benighted males can never truly understand.

[Leraconteur]

Hugo,

Your apparent reading comprehension filter is still intact.

I have not read any posts on any MRA forums that question your sexuality.

I *have* read many comments that you are an unusually pussyfied man.

IOW Emasculated - identifying almost soley with the female and feminine.

"Hugo may be biologically a man, but his personality most definitely has strong feminine characteristics, moreso than most ordinary men. In other words, Hugo's plumbed like a guy but acts like a girl. That's why I for one argue that his experiences, etc., are not typical of normal, ordinary, healthy masculinity while Gonzo's are."

This has zero to do with whom you have sex with or whom you find sexually attractive.

Emasculated does not equal 'Gay'.

In fact your well known, and self-admitted hebophilic tendencies are, well, just creepy.

In a very hetersexual way, of course.

All the Best,
Lee

[Hugo]

Lee, visit Stand Your Ground to find this gem from Mr. Bad, whom I eventually banned:

"Homosexual? He claims to be heterosexual, married, etc., but frankly with his propensity for wearing pink and pastel colored shirts, women's jean, his fondness for antiquing and other modes of shopping, etc., to me he comes across as queer as a $3 bill. Maybe he's bi, or perhaps in serious denial. Who knows?"

[Leraconteur]

I stand corrected.

You have posted one instance. Certainly proves that *a* MRA questions your sexuality, but by no means proof that all, most or a predominance of MRA's think as such.

"The "if he thinks that way, he must be gay" is a line with which virtually every pro-feminist man is well familiar."

Well Hugo, as someone who WAS a pro-feminist man in my teens to mid 30's, the women nor men wouldn't question me on this because of my beliefs. This is/was a common test young women toss at men these days.

I get tested on this by women to this day - but it's just a courtship test.

And I am certainly no longer a pro-feminist man.

[Vacula]

"softer and more human sides of their nature" ???

[Leraconteur]

"Lee, visit Stand Your Ground to find this gem from Mr. Bad, whom I eventually banned..."

I host my own forum, and I have heated disagreements with some members.
Some I don't agree with on almost every word they post.
I even have had my own share of trolls, insults and bad attitudes.

Yet I have not banned anyone - there is plenty of room for disagreement on my forum.

This propensity to censure, censor and edit is a strong point of many in the Feminist Camp. It strongly supports the oft-repeated MRA phrase that "Feminism cannot wistand an open debate."

[Nat]

An open debate and resorting to personal attacks are hardly the same thing, so using Hugo's banning of an abusive troll as a way to show he fears debate is a pretty weak charge.

[SamChevre]

OK, so the things that can get one perceived as "gay" are just strange; this is true of both people who think homosexuality is fine and those who don't.

For example, a lot of my friends thought I was/might be gay. I wear bright colors and bow ties, I am shy and geeky and fairly non-confrontational, and I didn't have a girlfriend for a long time. I am not at all homosexual. Oh--should note--many of the women who thought I was probably gay were lesbian--they certainly didn't oppose homosexuality or see it as a bad thing.

[MVa]

I have not read any posts on any MRA forums that question your sexuality.

I *have* read many comments that you are an unusually pussyfied man.

Yeah the comments I read are that 'pro-feminist men' are merely pussy-whipped, not gay. Pussy-whipped and gay are two different universes - I would say opposites. A gay man doesn't feel the compulsion to please women based on his sexual orientation. A pussy-whipped guy is trying to please women to win their approval - for ego and possibly sexual gratification. That is the accusation often thrown towards pro-feminist men, and it's a common one on MRA boards.

[Another Jeff]

Hershele: it depends who your audience is.

If you're trying to convince other man that feminist or pro-feminist men are in the wrong, you call them gay.

If you're trying to convince other women that feminist or pro-feminist men are in the wrong, you say they're just trying to score.

If you're in a mixed crowd, you'll probably just say they're unmanly.

Gonzman: Who appointed you the spokesperson for feminists or pro-feminists?

Leraconteur: There's a fundamentally dishonest debate tactic I call the "opt-out blanket statement." It's the simultaneous insistence on the near-universality of a general claim (the blanket statement) and the narrowness of all counterexamples (the opt-out). You seem to be doing this.

In addition, why should "I didn't call you gay, I just called you emasculated" get one a free pass?

[The Gonzman]

"softer and more human sides of their nature" ???

Yeah, I caught that too.

I am not particularly programmed to behave in a traditionally masculine fashion, despite the circular logic of people insisting that I do. I LIKE it that way.

[Hugo]

The "more human" reference was awkwardly put; my bad. I did not wish to imply that the feminine is "more human" and the masculine less so. Rather, fear of being labeled a "fag" causes men to hide their human vulnerabilities and APPEAR to be less than human -- invulnerable, hyper-heterosexual, etcetera.

[NancyP]

Why can't a man be feminist, according to the saying, "Feminism is the radical notion that women are people" ? If they want to call themselves allies of feminists, that's fine too.

It does strike me that the Masculinity Race in school serves as a ranking mechanism and social control manipulative tool, just as mastery of the latest gossip and fashion and boyfriend are used to establish ranking of girls.

A gamma or iota or omega guy is labelled wimp or pussy or gay; the equivalent girl is ugly or fat or looks like a dork or can't get a guy. Junior high is the worst. Animals with raging hormones. We should all have amnesia of jr. high days.

[Hugo]

And Leraconteur, what's with the hebophilia reference?

[NancyP]

Gonz, we are ALL programmed by our cultures to some degree. It's called "learning". Some people feel congruent with the predominant culture, some people less so. Only asocials ("wolf boys", kids locked in a bare room all their lives) are not programmed, and they are a mess, if not near-psychotic.

[Troy]

Tuffskins! Wow, I haven't heard those referred to in awhile.

Amen, Nancy. We should all have amnesia of junior high days.

What resources--books or other--are there for men who want to deal with internalized homophobia? I am thinking of youth group and GenX & Y age.

[Phil Hoover]

Great post, Hugo! So what about all those wonderful "CHEFS" who just happen to be male?

Wonder what people call them, huh?

[Q Grrl]

"The "if he thinks that way, he must be gay" is a line with which virtually every pro-feminist man is well familiar."

The truly scary thing is these men's inherent claim (buried claim?) that in order to be properly heteroseuxal, you have to dominate and hate women. If you don't do either, you're obviously gay.

Very strange indeed.

[Random Lurker]

Q grrl-

I was just thinking this.

I've always been told that the kind of boys I tend to like/date- 'softer' intellectual, emotionally open, egalitarian types that don't suscribe to 'traditional masculinity and who are interested in a equal, nontraditional sort of relationship- are 'probably gay'. If a guy was nice to me- then he couldn't possibly like me. 'Cause, you see- if he *really* liked me, he'd push me around and stare at my tits and just tune me out.

The idea *did* seem to be that male heterosexual desire *is* all about disrespect, hatred, exploitation and abusive dominance. It seemed like their kind of 'masculinity' was all about being a walking penis rather then a full human being.

I never could figure out why they were so proud of this, And why a relationship with a 'proper heterosexual man' who would treat me like crap was sooooo much better then my 'faggot' boyfriends. I'd tell them that the logic kinda didn't compute. They'd usually just start calling me a dyke then- hey, equal opportunity homophobia for *everyone*. :p

[The Gonzman]

Gonzman: Who appointed you the spokesperson for feminists or pro-feminists?

Same person that appointed people like you who clairvoyantly tell us what our motivations and thinking are. I mean, you magically know that by acting "manly" we're really secretly gay; that our questioning the a priori assumptions of feminism not out of any conviction, but because we secretly want to beat up and rape women, and so on, and so forth.

And, FYI, son - I say that it's an article of faith among many feminists that a man can't truly be a feminist because in fact, that is what is said - here's the first link from my casual search:

http://www.expositorymagazine.net/2004/september/feminism_annmarie.php

I quote, from the bottom of that page:

Many feminists, especially radical feminists, don't believe men can truly be feminists. In this perspective, male supporters of feminism are usually called "pro-feminist men." Other feminists believe that men can be feminists, with no qualifiers.

That's a feminist e-zine, son. The article, a FAQ, was written by Ann Marie Dobosz, who used to be the sysadmin for the Ms. Boards.

And there's this: http://fistinpacifist.blogspot.com/2006/03/oh-lord-not-this-again.html

Lord have mercy, but know what you're talking about. Next time do your homework, and you might wind up not looking so foolish.

[Jendi]

Young men needing to prove their masculinity seems pretty universal across human cultures - hence the initiation rituals and vision quests in Native American and similar traditional societies. I don't know if a lot of young guys have a strong enough sense of self to be comfortable right away with a more fluid gender identity. That may be something that comes later in life. Hugo, in your years working with young people, have you found a less destructive way for boys to prove themselves as men? Is a certain amount of rejection of the feminine inevitable at this stage, since they are trying to distance themselves from the weakness of childhood dependence on the mother?