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May 08, 2006

Comments

Sara

Ugh, i wnet through a phase where i had the biggest crush on my choir teacher in middle school, and carried over into high schhol, with piano lessons from her. But she moved away, and she, before she left gave me a card and inside the card( it was a thank you card for a b-day gift), she kissed thecard with lipstick. Does anyone think this was innap.?

Kelly

I feel like I can relate to so many of the posts thus far. I had Professor X's class last year, and since that time have been unable to stop thinking about him. He's not a very outgoing person, but relatively young and very brilliant in his field, which I feel is the reason behind my near obsession. He's not married or anything, but I'm relectant to approach him in any other way than professional. He presents himself in a very stoic and serious manner, yet when I run into him unexpectedly he always gets a big smile on his face and then looks away. Sometimes I wonder if that's a clue that he likes me. Either way, I feel torn. I'm not the type who believes in having anything other than a professional relationship with a professor, and yet I can't stop thinking about him. As a student at UC Berkeley, I know the strict laws about prof/student relationships, and I wouldn't want to jeopardize his teaching position. However, I can't seem to stay away from him. Any suggestions?

Still questioning

Three-and-a-half years late, but I found this story, which most closely describes my situation (and represents what I'd actually like to happen):

However -- against the grain here -- I know of two people who have been involved in student-professor affairs (in one case the student, in the other case the professor) where by their accounts, things worked out rather well.

Case 1: Mary had a crush on Prof. Bob. She started hanging around after classes, talking with him back to his office. Prof. Bob was married. He never came on to her, but she found herself increasingly attracted to him and decided she really wanted to seduce him. But she didn't want to ruin his marriage or reputation. She decided to start flirting with him, more and more boldly, always prepared to back off and disappear. But since he seemed to enjoy the flirtation, she became progressively bolder. Since he seemed to enjoy the flirtation she decided to lay her cards on the table. One day she asked to schedule an appointment with him when she knew no one else was likely to be around his office. Then she told him that she wanted to have a fling with him: that she was not interested in a long term affair, and that she was willing to be completely discrete about it. They had sex in his office right there and then, repeated it twice more, and then when she graduated she never saw him again. She reports that this was one of the best and hottest experiences of her life and has no regrets.

I'm an older student and I know the difference between an intellectual crush and a physical one. I don't want to date my professor - I'd just like a brief, discreet fling to get him out of my system and never see him again. What about that?

Joanna

As a female college instructor who cannot find many online resources for student management, I really appreciate this article. I'm in my late 20s and currently teach quite a male-dominated class. I'm fully aware of several crushes, and normally I can hack it, but there is one student who seems to be consistently looking for encouragement (as in disregarding mentions of my boyfriend, reduced eye contact and other signs of interest from me, etc.). He is [academically] smart, initially I found him attractive, and I suspect my genuine enjoyment at first getting to know him was grossly mistaken for sincere romantic interest. I thought [his] crush would eventually wane, but a few months later he still pays very close attention to who I talk to and tries to personalize our relationship beyond student-teacher.

FWIW I am eagerly awaiting the "right moment" to discreetly call him on his behavior and clarify any misunderstandings (not to mention comment on success with women in the workplace). But it's been frustrating as I'm really overwhelmed (this is my first year teaching), and he often seems to catch me at times when I am already focused elsewhere (say, on my way to a lecture or lab, when I don't have time to properly address this).

And honestly, as a woman, there are times I feel like it's "my fault" for being nice and approachable in the first place. This has been one of the biggest things I currently DO NOT enjoy about teaching - dealing with student crushes. Especially male student crushes, since there seems to be so much posturing and competitiveness involved. Sorry guys, it's nothing personal. It's just not every girl's fantasy to be battled over and dragged home like a trophy (exaggeration).

I definitely take comfort in the idea that it's not about me - it's more about what he needs to find in himself. I agree that teachers have a tremendous responsibility to model wise decisions. However, often we are thrown into teaching without much guidance for situations like these. Crushes are natural, can certainly go both ways, and are challenging for anybody to manage. This has given me some ammo for him and any other future cases I encounter - thank you!

runescape gold

For man is man and master of his fate.

jordan

This blog post is so interesting to me- I too have a crush on one of my college professors within my program. I had never before thought about an "intellectual crush" vs a more romantic crush. Thinking about it, I'm sure I have more of an intellectual crush, which actually makes me feel a little better.

I actually didn't have a crush on this professor until the last several weeks of this class I had with him (This was last fall). He is much older than me (he is 49 and I just turned 20), and he is actually 3 years older than my parents. At first I wasn't attracted to him at all, but he has the most amazing dry sense of humor, and something about the way how quiet he is is SO sexy to me- he doesn't readily give his opinions, which sometimes means more than when he does say something. I started to become attracted to him when he started noticing my work and complimenting me on it. For example, I would raise my hand to answer a question or make a comment and he would say something like "this isn't the first time she's been right" or little things like that. Doesn't sound like a big deal, but he never says stuff like that to people, so it stood out to me. I think we also have really good chemistry. A lot of the class is really disinterested (although it's our major?!) and so I am the one to pay full attention and ask questions- sometimes it seems like we are having a personal conversation. When he makes a joke, most don't think it's funny, but since I have a dry sense of humor it's him and I interacting- I'm the one that loves his jokes, answers his questions to the class, etc.

Sometimes I think that I like him in sort of a "father figure" way. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, but he's always been so busy, and on top of it, I have 3 sisters - 1 older and 2 younger - so I've never really felt that any one was "looking out for me", as in a father figure or an older brother who cared. But at the same time, I am sexually attracted to him- if I went to his office hours and he initiated something, I think I would go along with it, just because i am so attracted to him. But what do I really want from him? I want his approval, for him to notice me and my work. In a strange way, I want him to want me, but for him to think that he can't because i am too young for him- really strange, I know. It's all really confusing for me right now.

Since most of this crush developed over the course of spring semester (and I had him as a professor for fall semester last year) I did all I could to take another class from him. While he wasn't teaching any of my courses coming up for the fall semester, he is teaching a class I need to take next spring, so I will have him as a teacher about 6 months from now. I am seriously SO excited to be in his class. I just want him to notice me and what i do- my work, and to recognize that I do a good job, and I also want him to find me attractive. I am an attractive girl, but I just really want him to want me. Unfortunately, I believe that he is married, and I know that he has a 2 year old daughter, so this is really going nowhere. Additionally, I am not the type of person to make a move on any of this. I will continue to be a sort of "temptress" and wish he would do something, but when I go to office hours and engage with him, it's more like he is a father figure, or someone just offering their expert opinion on the subject- I am pretty sure he finds me attractive and likes how hard I work and what I do, and even likes me as a person.

Even though I know this is going nowhere, It continues to consume my life, daydreams and dreams. I think about him all the time. Can anyone help me make any sense of this? Or at least, have you been in this same situation? Thanks.

Monique

I got over my crush with my beloved accounting instructor that I still text and when I bake cookies he gets some. I see him on campus and I greet him with warmth and respect, that is it. I would not cross boundaries with him, I respect him too much to do this and besides I am married so no dice!
My beloved Azar will always hold a dear spot in my heart though.

sloveskiyo

Thanks for posting this. I, too, am currently part of this cliche. I have a crush on my lit professor. I do realize that my feelings for him stem from intellectual stimulation rather than passionate love, but it is so easy to mistake one for the other. It almost feels like a deeper feeling, as if he is the one I've been searching for...another cliche. I admit, there are qualities in him that I wish to bring out in myself, but those are the same qualities that I go for in any man period. Thus, the confusion. In spite my desires, I will not pursue this crush. But I do choose to learn as much as I can from it. Similar to the letters in SS, it has given me insight into myself; what it is that I truly want and need in a relationship.

thesis writing help

thanx of the kudos,i really like your essential points..

Tunisia Property

how boundaries can get screwed up even without the teacher actually sleeping with the student. And that's not something that's easy to set from the student side.. Actually when you are young main point is how you will be able to handle your passion.. I hope you got me :)

I'm too old for thriteen year old Romeo and Juliet sh**

So. what if you have a huge crush on a t.a. and all you want to do is get sloppy drunk with him, go to bed with him, then fall in love with him in the morning. I think, if anything, having this crush on my t.a. and knowing it will never be realized hurts my grades. It doesn't drive me to go to his office hours and gobble up the information he's giving mee. NO. Big contrast. I hate having to force myself to go to his office hours and thinking about the most recent dream I had of him and me at a book store and undressing him in my mind. I haven't had crushes since middle school because I simply ask the person out. If they say no. TO HELL WITH THEM! But my problem is is that I can't write this one off simply because I can't ask him out. I have no desire to be with him because of his position or what it entails other than I know he is very intelligent. In a general sense, well and that he enjoys the subject. But to be honest I'd rather talk to him about anything else then boring arguments! Like music or foreign films or the woes of traffic.

pvt

I'm having a crush on my prof and I completely agree with what you wrote here. I do feel that mI like him not as a real person. And he did enjoy it too much (which annoys me!). However a crush always has more confusion and no real reason. Even without you encouraging it sometimes.

TEJO

50ish student has crush on 50ish professor, I am married and dont know about the professor. Interersting concepts here...He is a very good teacher and extremely intelligent. Found out we have things in common. He is decent looking, and I guess maybe I AM just attracted to his wisdom, idk...but I find myself fantasizing and wanting to know things about him. 1 more week of class and I do not think I will have him for any more clasess. I graduate June 2012. He made a point of coming to sit near me before class last week and asked if I had done anything fun or interesting the past week. We spoke about some things and events of mutual interest and then I found myself thinking about him more than I ever should...

TEJO

So last class ever with this Professor was last night...IDK, I am very sad!
He was a great teacher that I may never see again.
Maybe if I wasnt having marital issues and problems, I would not be feeling this way, (whatever that means), about my professor who could very well also be married or in a relationship himself.
I also think that his integrity as a person and regarding his position would never permit him to think about the idea of any type of out of classroom relationship with a student.
And, I have never cheated myself, so there you have it, class over...infatuation has to end.
I never realized how common this is, and here I/we are, not young/and/or inexperienced by any means, so maybe I am not as mature as I thought!
I do understand all of the input here and yes, probably agree that I am attracted to the intellect and widsom, but maybe because I AM a more mature person? Its all still very new and confusing to me right now.

TEJO

I feel certain, this professor has no idea...He is too professtional I think to even suspect. And I would never ever let him know intentionally either, as I said, I am married...
I was a good student and I am sure that I challenged him at times, which made class interesting and hopefully he did enjoy having me in his class as much as I enjoyed having him as an instructor.

Jing

Good. I"m not alone. I currently have slight crush on my psychology teacher (he's 30) and i'm 25. The main point as to why i have a crush on him he went to China and has a great amount of interst in Chinese culture. And as a Chinese caught my immediate attention. In our first class he kept going off on how that trip changed him. I think for that reason we have these long converstaions after class mainly about China. lol.

I'm sure this crush will pass. I'm just glad my professor and i not share mutually interst in the CHiense culture but also on a good student to professor relationship as well.

Jing

Oh and as for advice for fellow students who has a crush on a proffessor that is manifesting and distrupting your emotions. Remember your main goal is to get a good grade for your future in that class! Do well and your professor will undoutedly like you you as well. Best of luck. :)

CO

I have a huge crush on one of my professors this semester. He is funny, good looking, and smart. And while I am very attracted to him, I like that he seems to enjoy mentoring motivated individuals. I have gone to his office for extra help numerous times (trust me, it was actually needed) but I wonder if he knows. I mentioned to a new friend that I thought he was good looking and held her to secrecy. I have since learned that she is not the best at secrets and she has him for other classes and I wonder if he might have overheard her mentioning it because he seems to strike up conversations a lot more since I mentioned it to her. (maybe just a coincidence) And while part of me wants him to know, because I would love to BE with him, he is my professor and his married, the other part hopes he doesnt because I would love to stay in touch after I am not his student and receive his mentoring. I know of at least one prior student that he keeps in touch with, to mentor, follow her career, she has even come in to speak to the class). and I would love that. Its just a bad spot to be in because we have a lot in common (which is hard to find with friends my age because I love things from the 50's-70's and we share that interest. My gut tells me he is supposed to be someone in my life. And I dont want to screw it up by a sexual crush that I wouldnt act out anyway.

Jessica

CO, I totally am on the same boat as you. For me I'm just planning to do my best in his class. And hopefully AFTER this semester we stay in touch and get to know mroe about each other but i ain't holding my breathe because i know student teacher relationship is still "unethical"....

I think yuur safest bet is try to get to know him as a friend AFTER you submited your grade and the semester is over. Since he's is married...um...yeah not a good idea to delve deeper into it. Good luck.

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