The Happy WASP Boy

Okay, I lied.  Here's one more post before I go off to a weekend of happy delirium, overeating, snowball fights, and reflective worship with two dozen fifteen year-olds.

So this post at Lucky White Girl led me to this post at Bitch Lab to this post at Listening for Change.  Topic: whiteness.  And at the last of these three blogs, I found this:

Yes, I know as well as the rest of us of the isolation we grew up with. White people don't sleep with their children. They don't play much and they don't hug much. They don't laugh much. And they spend most of the time trying to look good. We have beautiful cribs and curtains. We don't have much connecting going on.

Barb at Lucky White Girl wrote:

So what can we -those of us who recognize the emptiness of typical North American white culture- do to sate that desire for a cultural heritage we can be proud of, for a culture we -as progressives- can identify with?

But here's the thing I've realized in my life:  though there is much that is vacuous and materialistic about North American middle-class culture, that has damn all to do with skin color or ethnic heritage!  I grew up with a father who was a European war refugee and a mother who came from an "old" California family of German, English,and Scots-Irish ancestry.  I spent most of my time with my mother's side of the family, and they formed my values and my world view. 

Yes, we're WASPs.  If you want to stereotype one aspect of us, we're a Brooks Brothers wearing, Bloody Mary drinking, Buick Roadmaster station-wagon driving, fraternity and sorority joining, tennis-playing, mayonnaise and meat loaf eating, Junior League cookbook owning, monogrammed thank-you note writing, Town and Country magazine reading, English horseback riding, debutante ball attending, Social Register listed, pastel polo-shirt or sweater set clad clan.  Without apologies.

(I've rebelled against my family in some ways, mostly having to do with fashion.  I am the first tattooed man in several centuries of family history.  I'd rather wear Diesel, Energie, and Paul Frank than Ralph Lauren, J. Peterman, or Izod Lacoste.  But I can still "do it up" WASP style; you should see me in my seersucker suit!  My other rebellion, of course, is talking about the family in public.)

Yes, in our family, babies don't sleep in their parents' beds.  Yes, kids move away to college when they turn 18.  Yes, when I greet most of my male cousins, we shake hands instead of hugging.   Yes, we don't raise our voices at the table.  We chew with our mouths closed, keep our hands off the table, and don't interrupt each other. 

But you know what?  We laugh.  A lot.  And even if we don't live loud like something out of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", we adore each other.  Where on God's green earth is it written that the expressive and emotive cultures of the Mediterranean or Latin worlds are healthier than we quieter, more restrained WASPs?  I adore my wife's family in Colombia (we'll visit them soon), and I am always happy to be among my friends who come from more "colorful" backgrounds.  (Mine is one of only half a dozen inter-ethnic marriages in the family.) But that doesn't mean I'm ashamed of having grown up WASPy, of having been raised in a culture that valued understated elegance, self-restraint, self-reliance and a sturdy Protestant work ethic.

News flash, folks: Anglo-Saxon reticence is not a recipe for misery!  It's not inherently oppressive or misery making, at least no more so than any other way of doing things.   No culture has a monopoly on dysfunction; no culture has a monopoly on healthy child-rearing practices.  My ancestors were fortunate, and some of them probably made their money in ways that were cruel and exploitative.  But the sins of the fathers are not automatically visited upon the sons and daughters!  I can regret what my ancestors may have done without rejecting all of their values, all of their contributions, all of the wonderful pieces of a very real culture they bequeathed to me.

Next month, I'm going to gather with forty-odd family members for Easter.  We'll eat deviled eggs; we'll play croquet on the lawn; we'll wear pink and green and talk Cal football and the stock market and the war; we'll watch the children hunt for shiny plastic orbs in the grass and we'll catch up with each other.  There won't be a lot of yelling. No loud music will be played.  There will certainly be no dancing. No one will get drunk and fall down.  We'll all be in bed by 11:00PM and up not long after dawn.  We'll be cheerful, courteous, and gentle.  We'll have a wonderful time, all without raising our voices once.

At the end of the weekend, when I say goodbye to a few of my male family members, I'll shake their hands warmly, pat them on the shoulder --  and no more. And they'll know I love them and I'll know they love me and we've never once said it, nor are we likely to start.  But don't pity me -- I'll know that I'm treasured, and my family will know I treasure them.  Growing up WASP means that you learn that love is often understated, often silent, but no less perceptible and no less powerful as a result!  I've got a culture of which I am deeply proud, and a family whom I love with every fiber of my being. 

Shed no tears for this happy white boy.

UPDATE:  I've been away, but quickly going back through the comments I see some dangerous thread drift; I've deleted a few at my sole discretion.  This is not a forum for a discussion of race -- it's a post about WASPiness, not "white pride" or the history of race relations. I do promise a more thoughtful post on "whiteness"fairly soon.

Comments

[aldahlia]

Gosh. This reminds me of a HUGE conversation that happened a few years back. Prometheus6 kept track of it, but it looks like it's gone (link rot sucks.)

It basically started with the usual "Where are the Black bloggers?" question, and eventually turned into "What does it mean to be a black blogger?" Someone started a meme that asked:

1. what does it mean to be Black? what does it mean to be Black?
2. how has Blackness affected your worldview?
3. how has Blackness affected your educational experience?
4. how has Blackness affected your experience with authority?
5. how has Blackness affected your experiences with people of other races and ethnicities?

Which then morphed into, "Why pin it all on Black identity? What does it mean to be a white blogger?"

Which lead to Prometheus6 issuing 5 questions:

1. what does it mean to be white? what does it mean to be White?
2. how has whiteness affected your worldview?
3. how has whiteness affected your educational experience?
4. how has whiteness affected your experience with authority?
5. how has whiteness affected your experiences with people of other races and ethnicities?

Which in general lead to a 'what is whiteness' conversation that actually bled over into the conservative blogs too.

Perhaps it's time to renew the questions.

[Sara]

aldahlia, why is "Blackness" capitalized and not "whiteness?"

[aldahlia]

Because I was cutting and pasting from an old document.

[aldahlia]

The first set of questions should read like this:

1. what does it mean to be black? what does it mean to be Black?
2. how has blackness affected your worldview?
3. how has blackness affected your educational experience?
4. how has blackness affected your experience with authority?
5. how has blackness affected your experiences with people of other races and ethnicities?

I'm sorry. Trying to reconstruct bloggy stuff from three years ago is an exercise in why google sucks.

[barb]

That is the most disingenuous reading of my post you could possibly come up with. You have twisted my meaning beyond words. I'm literally speechless. You are a fucking ass, Hugo.

For your readers: I encourage you all to go read my post in its entirety; it's about something completely different than what Hugo leads you to believe. Read also, please, his comment which is a shorter (and less snarky) version of what he said here and read my response to his comment which I wrote before I read this.

I can't believe you would do such a shitty thing, Hugo. You are indeed very welcome to not read my tiresome adolscent blog anymore and I won't read your defensive self-righteous one.

[Hugo]

Barb:

I am deeply sorry that my post was so profoundly offensive to you. I reread it three times before I saw how my paragraph about ME when I was at Berkeley could be construed as an attack on you. I've deleted that paragraph in its entirety. The only person I intended to criticize was me.

Though I have a sunnier view of race in general than you do, and generally am more conservative on the issue, I have colossal respect for your position, which I don't see as adolescent. But the paragraph which poked fun at my earnest white guilt came too abruptly after a quote from you, and of course could easily be misread. The fault is entirely mine.

So the paragraph is gone. It wasn't necessary to my broader point, which was to celebrate a culture that I believe IS a culture: WASP America has its beauty and its value for which no one need apologize!

I was offering a celebration of my family, my culture and my heritage, nothing more.

I have tremendous respect for your site and your work, Barb. I will continue to read your blog, though if you wish, I will refrain from either commenting on it or linking to it. And again, I am deeply sorry that my post was so hurtful to you.

If there's anything further I can do -- beyond publicly and privately apologizing and deleting what I believe to be the one offensive paragraph -- let me know what I can do. If not, I am sorry to have so suddenly and painfully lost your cyber friendship.

Hugo

PS: I've changed the title of the post too -- too close, I realize to late, to the title of your blog.

[Hugo]

And Aldahlia, those are fine questions. Next week, I'll tackle them.

[barb]

Here's the main point of my post, by the way. That whatever it is about whiteness we don't like (and I'm not saying that people can't have experiences like Hugo's) whether it's non-touchy-feeling families or the history of genocide and slavery and imperialism, we should recognize that the response should not be to run away from it, or to appropriate other people's cultures (find that Cherokee grandmother in your family tree) but to remember that we're still making/creating the story of whiteness.

"History is not over, folks. We white people do have a horrible past, we have a horrible culture but it's not a finished product. Culture is a process. We are still creating our story. We can make it a painful, beautiful story of redemption, of reconnection with the rest of humanity. So look back, yes, recognize the past, but don't forget you have to look forward too. And whether looking backward or forward you have to have a wide-angle lens. We have to see at least hundreds of years at a time in order to get things in perspective. Looking at the short term is a distortion. We are the star-bellied sneetches and we did some horrible things but now we have the gift of potential redemption in front of us. What an exciting time to be alive! Of all the periods in history to have been born white, the 21st century is such an exciting time to have been placed! A potential turning-point in history! Our grandkids could look back and say "wow, and YOU were there, mama! You saw the story of white racism and did not turn away. And now things are different for us. We are not so ashamed to be white anymore because the story of white people is the story of redemption!" What a beautiful story! And then our grandkids' grandkids will ask, "What was white? What was black? What was race?" And we will smile sadly from beyond the grave and think, "it was just a very long detour".

THAT was what my post was about. Hugo just couldn't see it because he got all defensive about white North American culture being standoffish.

That's fine to celebrate your family and your heritage Hugo. I have no problem with that, but don't make my post out to be something it's not.

Thanks (I think) for deleting the adolescent and tiresome critique of yourself back when you were like I am now. That (sorta) helps. Doesn't matter though I have enough confidence in my writing that I think it can speak for itself.

[barb]

And I don't deny that we can indeed find good aspects of that culture to preserve and celebrate.

Like tubing down rivers.
Woody Guthrie.
and calling everybody "hon".

[David Thompson]

"We white people do have a horrible past, we have a horrible culture but it's not a finished product."

Who is this "we" you speak of? I've never whipped my slaves, and I've never known anyone else who did. You can put that collectivist bullshit back where you found it.

[Sara]

barb, you seem to be coming back to the very thing you say hugo is unfairly accusing you of - harshing on perfectly fine aspects of cultures that white people have made. These are matters of personal preference and things that vary from culture to culture that aren't really worth cursing at someone over for disagreeing with you. I'm either missing something important here or totally disagree with your position (which I gather to be that white people need to sleep with their babies or continue to suffer their miserable culture). Either would be fine, but until I figure out which, I'm totally confused at the nasty rhetoric that's being dished out here.

[barb]

Hah! I've got another one! Cow-patty mushrooms! There's a great aspect of (southern) white North American (youth) culture! Going out into cow fields to find mushrooms and then EATING THEM FOR PSYCHEDELIC ENTERTAINMENT!! LOL ... okay, I'm starting to not be mad anymore. (doesn't mean I've completely forgiven you, though)

[barb]

Sara, geez, do I use language that badly? I'm not mad at Hugo for liking his white culture. I'm mad at him for 1.) calling me (or my blog) "adolescent and tiresome" --he fixed that. 2.) taking my post out of context and making it seem like I'm saying something I'm not. Which apparently worked on you unfortunately. Go read my actual post. Or at least read the excerpt of it I posted here.

I don't think I can say it any clearer: "whatever it is about whiteness we don't like (and I'm not saying that people can't have experiences like Hugo's) whether it's non-touchy-feeling families or the history of genocide and slavery and imperialism, we should recognize that the response should not be to run away from it, or to appropriate other people's cultures (find that Cherokee grandmother in your family tree) but to remember that we're still making/creating the story of whiteness.

If you can interpret that to mean that "people need to sleep with their babies more or continue to suffer their miserable culture" well.. I don't know what else I can do.

[Sea Ganschow]

Good catch Hugo. I have to admit, as I did to Bitch Lab, I snuck that in about my own upbringing coming from my own pain (pretty transparent there, yeah). But also I overgeneralize sometimes because I want people to think and talk about race and class and to think about their own early years. That in my mission to end oppression.

I actually co-sleep with my young ones and breast fed and play and laugh a lot and damn yes I'm white.

There is much to be pleased about ourselves.

[Hugo]

Thanks, Sea. Barb, I've never heard of cow-patty mushrooms. Just as I need to do a typology of student crushes, we need to do ones of whitenesses.

[barb]

you're kidding!!! you've never heard of psychedelic mushrooms that grow in cow patties? maybe it's a southern thing.

Here's another one: you know in the south, you can say anything no matter how horrible about someone and if you follow it with "bless your/her/his heart" it's all okay. As in, "Hugo acted like a big, whiney, jerk tonight, bless his heart!"

[evil grin]

(I'm not mad anymore.)

[Laine]

Barb has class! Bless her heart!

[mythago]

White people don't sleep with their children. They don't play much and they don't hug much. They don't laugh much. And they spend most of the time trying to look good.

WTF?!

David, the undeniable past history of racism and slavery in America has nothing to do with whether you, personally, were ever a slaveowner. The tantrum doesn't become you.

[David Thompson]

"the undeniable past history of racism and slavery in America has nothing to do with whether you, personally, were ever a slaveowner."

No, it doesn't. My ancestors were philosophers and sadists and everything in between. They ravaged northern Europe, saw Hannibal campaign through Italy, built Mohenjo Daro, and survived a near extinction. They lived, fucked, and died in total anonymity; and you, I, and their other relatives are the sole record that they ever existed at all. Whatever they did or did not do is irrelevant now; they are dead and their sins died with them.

[stanton]

"We white people do have a horrible past, we have a horrible culture but it's not a finished product."

While there are events in history that might be used to justify the above statement, the truth of the matter is there are very ugly events in the history of all races. The scale of these atrocious acts is limited, in each case, only by the degree of technological advancement of the group involved. The "white race" has been involved with horrifying injustices, as have all of the other ethnic groups. And they also were innovative in the development of a social conscience, moving them to go to great lengths in attempt to correct the social wrongs. Yes, the need to do so was brought forcefully to their attention by screaming protests, after generations of suffering - but the rersponse to such protests could have been more vicious suppression. That it was just the opposite demonstrates an evolution in social consciousness beyond anything the world has ever seen on such a scale.

So what is whiteness? It is nothing about which to feel superior to any other "ness", but it is nothing to be ashamed of either. It requires no apology. It requires no reparations. It is a thing about which one may be justly proud.

[barb]

LOL @ Laine

[Hugo]

Oh, I know the "bless your heart" line well! Heart-blessings all around!

[Vacula]

David Thompson: "Whatever they did or did not do is irrelevant now"
Stanton: "The "white race" has been involved with horrifying injustices, as have all of the other ethnic groups. And they also were innovative in the development of a social conscience, moving them to go to great lengths in attempt to correct the social wrongs."

Um, right.
Social Conscience = white people
Slavery & Segregation = irrelevant

Depends on what you see as "social wrongs," I suppose. Like all that wonderful political philosophy about freedom and equality and pursuit of happiness that (oops!) didn't apply to the slaves, didn't apply to the colonial holdings in India and Africa and Asia and, um, anyone that wasn't white or didn't have access to white education and economic power. Right.

[mythago]

and their sins died with them

If only they had.

stanton, it's kind of silly to be proud of 'whiteness', as though skin color were some kind of unifying thing beyond all else. What it has been and, to an unfortunate degree, still is, in America is a marker of class, culture and the legacy of slavery and racism that we're still trying to get out from under.

It has nothing to do with 'white guilt'. But we can't fix racism if we pretend it doesn't exist, or that it's a good thing when it's 'white pride'.

[carlaviii]

I still maintain that reticence is a survival trait in an environment where you can be snowed in and literally stuck with each other for 3-6 months of the year.

- the Nordic-Scottish mutt.