Some thoughts on teaching and student crushes

I'm thinking this morning about students and crushes.  (Actually, I'm also thinking about UCLA basketball, my boxing footwork, pacifism, the health of one of my youth group teens, my wife's smile, and my chinchilla, but those are not subjects for the blog today.  Oh, and I still want a diet Coke very badly.  Is Lent half over yet?)

Recently, I heard from one of my former students, "Darren."  He took my class back when I was a new prof, in the mid-1990s.  He eventually finished his degree, got his master's, and is now himself an adjunct at several Los Angeles-area community colleges (PCC is not one of them).  Darren and I email every once in a while, and I got a note from him a couple of weeks ago that's been on my mind.  Here's some of what he wrote, which I've edited a wee bit:

Hugo, I love teaching, and I really believe I am supposed to be doing this.  But I'm becoming aware of a problem I have, and I think it may be one you had too: student crushes.  I've got a few women in a few of my classes who have crushes on me, and one or two of them have been flirting with me pretty heavily.  I try and have good boundaries with them, because I'm only an adjunct. I don't want to lose my job, and besides, I do very much want to be a professional in and out of the classroom.  But it's so hard, because outside of the classroom I'm so shy with women.  Inside the classroom, I feel so desirable and powerful. 

My question is this, Hugo: how did you or do you keep this from going to your head?  How do you keep yourself from paying special attention to the ones who make it so obvious that they like you/want you?  Any advice you can give me would be awesome.

I have Darren's permission to address this on the blog. (Also, let me add three things: Darren is 31,single, and his name isn't really Darren.)

I've already emailed Darren back, and I didn't save what I wrote.  But he's had me thinking about how it is that we who teach can best think about the crushes our students will get on us.

First off, before this starts to sound like a narcissistic rant about how "crushable" a teacher I am, let me be very clear that I've rarely met a genuinely talented prof of either sex who wasn't the object of desire from at least a few students.   A truly effective teacher will often be the object of desire, regardless of what he or she looks like.  Student crushes, I am convinced, are less about the physical attractiveness of the professor and more about that professor's passion, certainty, and competence.  Those three attributes are, for lack of a better word, intensely sexy for many people!

When I was an undergrad at Cal, I had a crush on a fellow student named Tiffany.  Tiffany saw me as just a friend, however, in one of those all-too-common scenarios that most of us know plenty about.  But Tiffany had a massive crush on one of her anthropology professors.  He was in his late forties, and while he was reasonably fit for his age, no one would mistake him for a sex symbol.  He wore earth tones (which didn't suit him); he was balding and perhaps 5'6".  But I was in his class too, and I have to admit, he was mesmerizing.   He had passion for his subject, he was a gifted lecturer, he had a sense of humor, and he struck the perfect balance between self-deprecation and arrogance.  (I've always thought that's a tough needle to thread, and I find myself striving for it often.)  Tiffany was in love with Professor P, and I eventually admitted I could see why.  I asked her one day what she wanted from him, and she told me:

It's not about sex, really.  It's that I want to be inside his head. I want to be near him, I want him to talk to me for hours, I want him to focus just on me and I want to sit next to him and soak up everything about him.

"Oh", I said.  I didn't get it.

But after thirteen years of teaching, I get it.  Students get crushes on me from time to time, just as they do on "Darren" and "Professor P."  Occasionally, some of those crushes have a specific romantic agenda.  When I was single, I sometimes (not often) got asked out at the end of the semester or received other signs of clear interest in pursuing a relationship of some sort.  But the vast majority of crushes were not and are not about actual sexual or romantic desire.  Most are like Tiffany's crush on Professor P.

If we're doing our job right, we have the power to change the way a student thinks about himself or herself.  At our best, those of us who love to teach are practiced seducers, Casanovas of the classroom.  But my agenda isn't about sexual conquest, it's about creating an interest and a passion where none previously existed. It's about getting students to want something they didn't know they wanted!  And when a student has a crush on me, I told Darren, it's more often than not like Tiffany's crush on Professor P.  Though some students may sexualize their crushes, what they really want is to continue to feel the way you make them feel: excited, energized, provoked, challenged. 

If we take advantage of student crushes, I told Darren, we make a huge mistake.  We assume that the real interest was in us rather than in how we were able to make our students feel and how we were able to make them think.   The best way, I told Darren, to think about student crushes is to take them as a sign that you're probably doing your job pretty damn well.  And while age and perceived physical attractiveness may play a small part in encouraging these crushes, the real precipitator is enthusiasm, talent, and an obvious commitment to your students.

There's an old axiom in pop psychology: we don't just get crushes on people whom we want, we get crushes on people whom we want to be like!   Students don't get crushes on me because they want to go to bed with me or be my girlfriend or boyfriend; they get crushes on me because I've got a quality that they want to bring out in themselves.  They're externalizing all of their hopes for themselves.  And rather than encourage the crush to feed my ego, my job is to turn the focus back on to the student, encouraging him or her to take their new-found curiosity or enthusiasm or passion and use it, run with it, indulge it, let it take them places! That's what student crushes mean to me.

After I wrote some of this to Darren, he wrote back:

"Hugo, thanks.  But honestly, I'm a little bit crestfallen.  I did want it to be about me! I did want my students to want me, even though I know that that seems so selfish and manipulative.  At the same time, I'm glad to know that you think there's a healthy function for these things.  Still, I'm a bit chagrined."

I told him I knew how he felt.

Comments

[losingit]

Hi, I just found this blog through google. Yes, I was googling "how to get over a crush on a prof" (or something to that effect). That's how hopeless it's gotten.
He's cute. Not gorgeous but he has a really cute smile. I took his class this semester for general ed requirements so in the beginning I found myself questioning his subject out loud. Somehow as the semester went by, I actually started to ENJOY the class, never thought I would. So much so, I started to want to know everything about the subject matter. Read up books, webpages and all sorts of things about it which only lead to my curiosity to peak.
So when I read this article, I thought "Oh maybe it's his mind that fascinates me".
But the thing is, my interest peaking had more to do with the fascination with the subject itself than him. He's an okay teacher, he assumes his students know a lot less than they actually do. Which was a turn off for me in terms of his teaching abilities. He's only an adjunct, about 26 years old. I am 20. He is quite charming though and funny (and did I mention the smile?) and there's something about him that gives me butterflies every time I see him. I don't know if he knows (I don't think so cause I hardly ever interact with him outside the classroom, I don't email him nothing) but sometimes the look on my face could give it away. He is aware that some students have a thing for him and I get the feeling that he's not happy about it. I dread to imagine what he would think if he knew...if he doesn't already.
I've never had a teacher crush before and I have had young teachers so that's probably not the reason.
I had my last class with him today and as I walked out I could feel a stab of pain. I wanted there to be more and I know there won't be because he only teaches that one class plus the subject has nothing to do with either of my majors. I will see him one last time for the final exam and probably never see him again.
I thought I'd be okay with that...it was just a silly little crush, right? Apparently not cause I have a paper due in 12 hours and all I can think about is how his class is over. I don't know what I want from him (and I doubt it's a sexual thing cause...well I'm not a very sexual person to begin with) but I want him to be in my life, I wanna talk to him and get to know other aspects of him. He just seems to be exactly what I am looking for in a guy. Maybe he's not but I wan't to find out. At the very least I wan't us to be friends but I don't know how because...well, what am I gonna email him saying "Hey Prof. let's hang out?"
I sometimes think of adding him on facebook but then he would just KNOW. cause he knows some girls like him and i hope he doesn't think I'm one of them. I have other teachers on fb but that's because I have a very comfortable professional relationship with them (and they are from my major field anyway).
I don't want to creep him out...I am creeping out myself atm. I would like to think that I am a mature, responsible and complete student: I always have good grades, I'm involved in all sorts of activities at school, I have a social life. No one would expect this of me, I wouldn't expect this of myself because HE'S A TEACHER! I have been saying that to myself all semester and waiting for this to go away. BUT IT WON'T!
I feel like I need to do something about it. Please help me Hugo, here are my options:
1. Tell him and be mortified for the rest of my life just for the tiny possibility that he might reciprocate my feelings.
2. Find an excuse to remain in contact with him so when I graduate in two years, it might develop into something else.
3. Tell myself I'll contact him after i graduate, which i may or may not do. two years is a long time i'll probably get over it by then. or not. but chances are he won't be available and i'll have wasted 2 years on a mere hope to be with someone I barely know who might very well have forgotten my existence (since i am pretty sure ill never see him again after the semester)
4. do nothing and be miserable.

I can't talk to anyone about this without being looked down upon. So PLEASE PLEASE give me some advice, I'll be forever grateful.
Thanks.

[Cassandra]

Wow, I have been wondering around a while trying to find some rational reason as to why I had a crush on my sophomore English professor. This was really insightful. It was like light after light came on as I read. I can't praise you enough for this. Thank you.

[Pippa]

This is a very interesting thread, which seems slightly dead now but I think still worth responding to. I get intellectual crushes on my professors all the time, but I never even contemplated acting on it in any way...usually, I never even email them or go to office hours because I'm very shy and completely unable to make small talk. Therefore, I need to have a really thorny and legitimate problem in order to get me to even ask questions (I almost always go to the TA). But this semester, I'm taking a class with a professor that I really, really genuinely like. He's an assistant professor; I'd ballpark mid-30s, maybe a little more based on when he got his degrees, very intelligent, but doesn't have the greatest teaching style. I get the feeling that he's kind of awkward too, and while it frustrates some of my peers, I find it kind of endearing because I can sympathize. Physically, he is also attractive and I admit that while I'm attracted to him because of his intellect and kindness, his good looks and sweetness are the reason it's becoming more than just an intellectual crush. I'm graduating this year and I don't expect to ever see him again, except for maybe in a couple of years when I come back requesting a letter of rec for law school or something. I tell myself that's the reason I actually go to his office hours, but who am I kidding? Hugo, if you still read this blog, it's true that I really do want to get inside his head, and you've worded that so much better than I ever could have rationalized it. I like office hours because he'll actually talk to ME, who's usually too shy to speak up in class, and who disappears in a lecture room of 150. I know in the back of my mind he has and has had hundreds of similar exchanges with students, but for that hour or so we talk by ourselves, it's nice and I feel warm and happy. I don't delude myself into thinking he thinks of me as anything but a student interested in the material, which I very much am--I'm just glad he knows my name. We're only a few weeks into the sem though and I'm hoping that if I continue to talk to him, we could at least have a friendly, platonic relationship. I agree with one post however, that the more you get to know someone, the less romantically interested you become, so I'm also hoping this will happen. Funnily enough, what I love about him most, his intelligence and his kindness, is also what keeps me grounded. He's experienced so much more, and knows so much more than I do that I find it ridiculous to think he'd pay more than an academic attention to us students. I consider myself intelligent and I love my field, but there are others smarter than I am and he's an expert in it--lives and breathes it and has been since I was in elementary school. It puts things into perspective--what could I possibly offer this man other than academic potential and the naivete of a 21 year old? It's a bit depressing to think about, but it keeps the fantasy in check ;)

[amelia1]

Great post!

Just stumbled across this one too, as much as it's a touchy subject it can be a tad hilarious...

http://twoyearsattheblackboard.blogspot.com/2011/02/dont-stand-so-close-to-me.html

[NARUTO]

I totally have a crush on my professor! Thanks for explaining the reasons why students feel this way. For me, it is a mix of admiration and sexual desires. I do feel similarly to the way your friend Tiffany felt, but in addition to that, I also want a meaningful relationship with my professor. I want my prof's guidance and to make that person happy also. Obviously, I am not suited, because we are 30 years a part and I am only an undergrad student, while my prof has 3 masters, a P.H.D. and speaks four languages. I don't really know what to do, I try not to have a crush, but everytime I see my prof, my heart rushes and I get butterflies in my stomach. And the fact that I can like someone this old, makes me wonder how important this person is to me, where physical youth doesn't matter... Once admiration is present, I guess I can find anyone sexually attractive.

What do you mean by "We assume that the real interest was in us rather than in how we were able to make our students feel and how we were able to make them think." Aren't the characteristics that causes the crush/admiration a part of who you are? For example, your ability to challenge and open your students' minds-- Aren't those talents a part of your personal identity? So are you implying that once a student actually has a relationship with his/her professor, that student may realize that he/she has made a mistake?

[Michelle]

Hi Hugo,

I can relate to your post so much! I wonder if you could clarify something for me.

I had a huge crush on one of my professors (I already graduated and I suppose I'm over him now though I remember him with fondness). He was simply brilliant, polite, nice..and married. It was his second marriage and we often talked for hours at his office about career goals, science, travel, history, our families but never breached any ethical boundaries. He is foreign (Australian) and many students from his class thought he was too friendly though I figured its just cultural differences.I was in my early 20s and he was in his late 40s, in good shape, somewhat balding but pleasant looking. The crush was definitely of intellectual nature but also his accent was a big thing. I never thought he might have been flirting with me but there are two occasions where I have my doubts.

On the first occasion, I wore a short skirt and some heels to class which was not my typical attire. After class as I was walking down the stairs he complimented me on my shoes.

On the second, I had invited him to our campus organization meeting/dinner (we had a relevant guest speaker that he would have enjoyed). So he came and I was dressed up very nicely - in a short dress with tall heels (normally I would not dress up this way to class though I still looked very nice in class). When he walked in and saw me his eyes widened and he smiled with his huge smile at me and greeted me as if he couldn't believe it was me but it looked like he was very pleasantly surprised. I remember I blushed and felt my face get really hot because he stared at me a bit too long. It is one of the fondest memories I have.

I am wondering what you make of this behavior. Do you think he also had a thing for me but just was afraid to say?

To add, I was one of his top students and I loved his class.

[generic cialis]

Thank You a ton for writing such a wonderful piece of information. Keep sharing such ideas in the future as well. This was actually what I was looking for, and I am glad to came here! Thanks for sharing the such information with us.

[Amanda]

I know these posts are kind of old, but I wanted to ask a question
If anyone is out there. I have a crush on a professor, and it's mostly because
Of his passion for his job (you can tell he enjoys his subject and teaching) and I think
That I inadvertently turned an intellectual crush into a sexual fantasy.
But of course it's totally inappropriate, I'm married, he's much older
With different core values etc. But what do I do to hide my crush? I always feel
So weird in class. I'm smart, love the subject and love talking about it,
But I don't want him to know I have a crush on him. I know he's taken an interest in
Me (I'm not sure on what level...but he treats me a little differently than other students)
How can I appreciate what this man has to offer me as a teacher without these silly feelings?
Honestly, sometimes I stop breathing in that class, and I'm always obsessing about how I look
To him and analyzing every minute conversation to make sure I didn't say something dumb.
The pressure to be awesome in his class is starting to get to me and I'm
Afraid he's going to find out about my crush...and I can't think of anything more embaressing then having
A crush on a totally inappropriate person. Any advice would be great!

[he was a chem professor]

I was the host of a silly distracting crush for the greater duration of this past semester. He seemed to be very aware of it. I fought hard to suppress it and did so with waning success, partly because he seemed moderately receptive. I honestly considered throwing away my pride and writing my confession on the last page of my final exam. Thankfully I didn't and don't plan to divulge my feelings ever after reading this. Your post only confirmed what I already knew and knocked those silly "What Ifs" away.

In my case, I was singularly attracted to his physical attributes. He is very good-looking. I don't think I put him up on a pedestal or what have you. I think my "like" for him was based on something more simple and primal.

[Moncler Frakke]

thanks for your article,like your blog very much,well done

[chocswirlcake]

Dear Hugo,
thank you for sharing your insights into this matter.
As a teacher who is just starting out, I have encountered numerous problems, one of which is the student crush.

I have long suspected that my student has a crush on me, and have been uncertain as to how to react.I have no clue if I am right;I sort of guessed from the way his friends react around me, and around us when we are together.

@Bitch | Lab how did you broach the subject with him? I want to talk to my student about this, but I do not want to hurt his feelings.