Myspace and the youth leader

Another very successful youth group gathering last night.   I say this every year, but I continue to be amazed by the depth,the generosity, and the goodness of "my kids" -- even as I also see in them so much hurt and woundedness.

A couple of the kids were complaining last night about last week's Dateline report about the popular Myspace internet site.  I don't know of a single one of my teens who doesn't "have a Myspace" page.  The Dateline NBC report was not something any of them watched, but some of their parents did.  It raised fears that the site, immensely popular with tweens, teens and twenty-somethings, was a haven for predators.  To the horror of more than one kid I know, parents have started demanding to view the pages their children have put up on Myspace, and are insisting on "editorial control" over the images and prose that their kids share with the world.

In the fall of 2004, I first started hearing about Myspace from my youth group kids.  I told them, "Hey, I have a blog too", and gave them the URL for this page.  But not surprisingly, those kids who did visit this blog found it boring beyond words.  They urged me to sign up for Myspace.  "Get a Myspace, Hugo, and you can be our friend!"  Myspace, you see, is based on creating communities of friends who get access to each other's photos and blogs, and who can send each other instant messages.  I thought it sounded like a fun way to keep in touch with the kids during the week when I don't see them (they have my e-mail but rarely use it), so I signed up.

I created my own little Myspace page, put up a few pictures, and quickly became "friends" with many of the kids in my youth group.   Since my page was listed under my own name (just as this blog is), a few of my students at the college quickly discovered it.  Soon I had several dozen friends, none of whom was older than 25, and most of whom were under 18.   But as I started visiting the pages that my youth group kids had created for themselves, I was a bit stunned.  It wasn't just the profanity (and the poor grammar); it wasn't the loud rap music that blared at me. (You can personalize your page so that your favorite song plays when someone visits.)   Frankly, what got me was the sexuality.  A number of the girls and boys put up provocative pictures of themselves.  None rose to the level of actual pornography -- I'm told Myspace won't permit that -- but underwear is apparently adequate attire.  I definitely don't need to see my teenagers in their underwear, nor do I need to read their answers to the endless polls they send around, all of which ask one version or another of the same question: "What have you done sexually, and how many people have you done it with?"

For a while, I hoped that my presence on Myspace might have the effect of encouraging the kids to tone things down a bit.  I sent messages to all of my "friends", asking them questions about school, life, and (believe it or not), God.  But if I thought I could chaperone the internet, I was quite mistaken!  I think my teenagers in youth group, many of whom I've known since they were in elementary school, love and respect me.  But I also know that they don't see me as a parent, and they aren't going to "tone down" their conversation or delete certain images just because they've invited me into their "space."  And after debating about it for a while, I deleted my Myspace account last summer.

I left Myspace for a couple of reasons.  Chiefly, I left because I was worried what a parent of one of my teens might think if they found me on their child's "friends" list.  What, they might wonder, is a 38 year-old man doing on Myspace with a whole bunch of teenagers?  Given the raunchy nature of so much of the content, I realized that my continued presence on Myspace could raise some uncomfortable questions.  As an adult male who volunteers with teenagers, I'm already subject to considerable -- and in today's climate justifiable -- scrutiny.  The last thing I need is to exacerbate the anxiety that many parents may already feel about entrusting their kid to a youth leader.

I also left because I wanted to preserve my own boundaries.  I'm adamant that the kids I work with at church, and the students whom I teach, can come and talk to me about absolutely anything.   Over the years, I've walked with young people through every imaginable issue: an unexpected pregnancy, the suicide of a parent, anorexia, cutting, drug abuse, sexual molestation, and the difficult journey out of the closet.  But while I am open to talking about anything, there are some images of my kids that I don't need in my head, some words of theirs I don't need to read!  If those who rely on me need my support, I'm easy to get a hold of.  But I'm not going to enter the frenetic social world of Myspace merely to ensure that those for whom I am charged to care can find me easily. 

I'm not a parent, I'm a youth leader.  Parents should monitor the internet usage of their minor teens.  Youth leaders, on the other hand, should discuss boundaries with kids in a group setting.  We've scheduled a "Myspace evening" in youth group for later this spring.  We'll let the kids talk about what they like and don't like, and then we'll talk about boundaries.  We'll talk about basic issues of safety, and we'll talk about what makes the idea of creating a cyber-identity and a virtual "life" so compelling and seductive.  But while I'm eager to hear more about just what it is they love so much about Myspace, I'm not willing to step into that world again. 

Comments

[Wonderperson]

There are a couple of Myspace bloggers who agree with you. Although the idea does not settle too well with parents, teenagers sometimes would use Myspace, a community of users without too much control, as a window to explore their sexual nature. Since there is not really a way for them to explore this sexual desire at a "safe" place, teens would get their fix, any way they can. This Myspace phenomenon can arguably created a sub-culture where the standard Myspace picture consists of a person(s) practically naked taking a picture of themselves in front of the bathroom mirror, not to mention with the flash reflected by the mirror.

[kate.d.]

i'm on the cusp the average age range for myspace users - i know some people who use it, but far more who used its predecessor, friendster. i think the migration from friendster to myspace is interesting, given how much more of a sensory assault myspace is. this comes with the territory, of course, on anything that allows for so much customization. but i find a lot of it baffling - for instance, the myspace pages that are pretty much illegible due to crazy patterned backgrounds. what is the point of that?

anyway. i'm intrigued by this apparent brouhaha, as i had no idea about the Dateline report. i have to assume it's because this phenomenon of friend-network sites (starting with friendster, and mutated into facebook, the college-based friendster, as well) has trickled down to those not yet old enough to drive or vote. there seems to be a certain line we draw, usually around 17 or 18, where we're kinda uncomfortable w/ teenage sexuality but don't raise a big stink about it. but of course, 14 year olds always want to act like they're 18, and that's usually where things really hit the fan.

[Barbara]

What used to be limited to the outsized fantasy of youthful imagination is now being posted on the web. Some of these students, particularly the girls (it seems to me, anyway) are completely clueless about appropriate boundaries and the image they are conveying.

You are wise, wise, wise to withdraw your participation. Although I don't think myspace was the only connection, a female freshman in my neck of the woods was allegedly killed by her 37 year old boyfriend, and I'm pretty sure there's a lot of myspace evidence that's going to get introduced at trial.

[The Happy Feminist]

I think that starting in about 20 years we're going to see kids' myspace antics come back to bite them when they are running for office or up for a judgeship.

[Hugo]

It's certainly true that they don't fully grasp the power of the "wayback machine" and other devices that archive absolutely everything!

[sparklegirl]

That's so true, HF. I use Facebook, which is much less sketchy than MySpace (only people at your school or people you've friended can see your profile, and people don't usually post anything worse than references to alcohol and pot, or listing "sex" as an interest, usually jokingly), and I read recently that employers have started checking students' Facebook profiles before hiring them. Apparently one girl's grandmother somehow found out that she had a reference to pot posted on her Facebook profile as well.

I think it's silly that people can be denied a job for such little things as posting pictures of themselves holding beer cans while under 21 (I mean, who really believes that most college students don't drink at all? It's not the same as the 14-year old kids on MySpace), but I've been careful with what I put on my profile in case a future employer might see it, and I have some friends who won't sign up for Facebook at all because they're worried about that.

[mythago]

I think that starting in about 20 years we're going to see kids' myspace antics come back to bite them when they are running for office or up for a judgeship.

Nah. It'll be like having a geeky yearbook picture. When everybody did it, who ares if you did?

I think you were very wise to withdraw, Hugo. I wonder what the heck your teens were thinking.

[Hugo]

I think you were very wise to withdraw, Hugo. I wonder what the heck your teens were thinking.

I'm not sure they were thinking about the fact that I would now be witnessing this aspect of their lives. Or perhaps they wanted me to see it and validate it. Who knows.

[IT]

I know of at least one case where a 30-something guy struck up a convo with a teenager who posted alluring pics, and then started to proposition her, ask for porno photos, send her dirty texts. It's a problem and the kids don't seem to understand that they are really flirting with danger, telling these pervs everything about themselves. And they just don't get it....

They are growing up way too fast in some ways, but with vastly less sophistication and sense in others.

[barb]

I had a MySpace account. It was actually the thing that turned me onto blogging because part of the page you get includes a (very) rudimentary blog and at the time I barely knew what a blog was. I got more into the blog part than anything else and soon figured out that if that's what I was into there were lots better platforms to use than MySpace. (Typepad being one of the best) but I always left my MySpace profile up as sort of a free advert pointing to my blog, Lucky White Girl.

I met a few cool,activist type folks on there but this morning I heard this headline: "7 girls sexually assaulted by men they men on MySpace" and I thought about how I'm NOT anonymous on my blog and I DO live in a small town... so this morning I cancelled my membership. It's not worth it.

[Bobby]

I think that myspace is a place where people
go when their bored, or need to have some fun or to meet new people.
It's not a daycare! Myspace shouldn't have to moniter what
your teens/kids are doing on there. You should.
On the raunchy stuff part, I think you have a right to
put whatever you want on your myspace, that is why it is called myspace
and if someone dosen't like it then they can stay off your page or
not go on it at all...
To the youth group leader , I think you did the right thing..
:-)

[susan]

I have a 16 yr old on MYSPACE,and to my horror looking at the site