Idolspizing and insecurity

From Kate, I learned of this fun Washington Post piece about "idolspizing". 

Do you idolspize?

Or, more to the point, whom do you idolspize?

Let me explain. It recently became clear to me that modern life has spawned a brand new emotion, that psychological sidewalk-crack between envy and idolatry that we often succeed in jumping over, but once in a while fall right through. That's where we meet them, those of superior beauty, character, talent and intelligence and, if friends, who are never less than loyal, supportive, generous and kind.

For this we loathe them.

It's a fun piece, and it's got me thinking.  I struggle with my fair share of idolspizing, particularly when I run into folks who manage to get articles and books published regularly.

I'll be very candid:  one reason why I have so many diverse interests (athletic, academic, material, spiritual) and so forth is because of "idolspizing."  The sad little truth is that when I run into a fellow who is clearly more talented, better-looking, a faster runner, or whatever, I "idolspize" -- and then comfort myself by saying "Well, he may be fast, but he doesn't have a Ph.D" or "He may be handsomer than I am, but I know I could take him in a 10K" or "He may be on his third book while I just blog, but I'm a better public speaker", or "He has that David Yurman watch I really want, but when he opens his mouth, he's dumb as a brick."   

Oh, I can be horribly petty.

The article stresses that

To be truly idolspicable, someone must be thisclose to your own age, background, educational achievement and career, and they must be of your gender and general situation in life...

This is where I see my character defect of constantly comparing myself to others.  Though I have many good friends in their thirties and early forties, I still struggle with comparisons with other men around my own age.  It's getting better, mind you, as I get ever more comfortable in my own skin, but I'm still prone to unseemly bouts of "idolspizing".  I don't compare myself to actors or celebrities  -- it's almost always to real guys I know.  (Okay, that's not always true. I was watching an interview with Jon Bon Jovi the other day; he's a couple of years my senior, and I couldn't take my eyes off his skin.  What the hell does he do to look so good at his age?)

Have I mentioned that my left hook is coming along nicely in boxing class?

UPDATE:  There's a good spiritual angle to this topic, and it's one I'll explore sometime soon when I'm feeling less superficial and vain, and more suffused with the Spirit.

Comments

[Lynn Gazis-Sax]

I don't buy the "must be of your own gender"; I compare myself to men in my profession all the time. If I have to confine myself to women in my career, I have too short a supply of people to idolspize.

[Hugo]

That's something I've thought about, Lynn. I'm not competitive with women, only with other men. It's not that I don't take women equally seriously, it's just that I see myself always as a "sexed" being compared to and judged by an exclusively male standard -- even in settings where I am surrounded by women.

[barb]

yeah, me too Lynn. The last person I idolspized was a guy, younger than me, who's just had his second book published (while I'm still just blogging). I hate it. It's the worst feeling in the world!

[Arwen]

I wonder if blogs are the new idolspize fodder?

[Hugo]

Good question. We could have a long discussion about which bloggers we most idolspized.

[kate.d.]

oh man, bloggers are big-time fodder for idolspizing (at least for me). for me, if we're tacking towards the "idolize" end of the spectrum, i would say Amanda Marcotte and Lauren from Feministe are mine. i think the phenomenon is interesting in that i don't wish bad things upon them, i just greenly envy their levels of readership and the ease with which they are able to put together these amazing, cogent, funny, intelligent arguments about feminism. i want to be able to do that! i want to be able to make it look that easy!

but for now, i'll have to be content with just reading them...

[Sara]

I think the gender-specificity of idolspization is that you don't see someone of the opposite sex and think "dammit, he's prettier than me." That is, if you're straight. And if I am in danger of idolspizing someone, I generally fall back on my je ne sais quoi. The idea that led to the cure for cancer may have occurred to her while she was working up a sweat over a hot stove at her 4-star restaurant (and looked sexy doing it), but she just doesn't have my je ne sais quoi.

[Paul]

Thanks for getting me to read your blog, Hugo. (Via comment on Barb's.) Interestingly, I'm an English Anglican who heard of Anabaptism and now goes to a Mennonite church in Florida. I don't know if I'm any of those other things you say, as I know more about neuroscience than politics, but I'm trying to learn how to live intentionally. Oh, I'm an INFP. That's one I understand!
Just so I can say I'm on topic, I only started a blog out because I idolspized my friend Dave. Especially his photography. Just wanted to give him a plug.

[Tamakazura]

Sounds like the idea of idolspizing is summed up pretty well in a quote from Tom Lehrer, I think. "It's people like that that make you realize just how little you've accomplished. For example, when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years."

[djw]

Wow, this is completely foreign to me. I beat myself up for various personal failures all the time, but it's always about failing to meet my own standards and goals. I fully expect a significant portion of the population to be better and more successful than me, and good for them. And who cares?

[Paul]

Then how do you come up with your own goals?

[djw]

They're indirectly based on various social standards, to be sure, tempered by knowledge about my own strengths and limitations, but not on the achievements of other individuals specifically. Example: I want to finish my dissertation in no more than six months longer than the national time to degree mean in my field. That someone in my cohort finishes two years before me is reason celebrate, not "idolspize."