"But you're pretty": a pro-feminist musing on why compliments don't help

The discussion sparked by Jill's online experience with her fellow NYU law students continues.  Here's my post, Amanda's, and Lynn's.  Amanda and Lynn both have excellent things to say about the difficult position women find themselves in on the Internet, and in the wider society, when it comes to their appearance.    I liked this bit from Amanda:

Calling feminists ugly is actually shorthand for a longer thought process that goes something like, "Women's most important quality is their looks, so good-looking women have everything they could want. The only reason a woman could be dissatisfied is if she isn't good-looking, and so feminism is the last resort of women in denial that they are failures as women." That argument falls apart if you show that conventionally attractive women also feel like second class citizens, and that being eligible for being a well-regarded sex object doesn't mean that you aren't still being treated just as a sex object.

Nicely put.

When the fellas at NYU called Jill "fat" and "ugly", many folks at Feministe rushed to reassure Jill that she was anything but.  There are several problems with responding to insults with compliments, as zuzu pointed out in the comments:

These guys are obviously assholes, but it bothers me that being called fat and/or hideous provokes such a strong, “But you’re not fat! You’re not ugly!” response. I could just be feeling marginalized by the idea that being fat is the worst thing a woman could be called.

I'm thinking this morning of what a male pro-feminist response to this issue might be.   

Most men are aware, to one degree or another, of how powerfully the women in their lives are affected by messages about beauty.   If we've been raised in this culture, we've grown up with mothers, sisters, cousins, classmates, girlfriends and wives who've suffered from the tremendous pressure to be thin and pretty.  We've witnessed that anxiety from an early age, and many of us have tried -- with limited success at best -- to offer comfort and reassurance to the women around us.  When I was younger, whenever any woman would worry out loud about her weight or her looks, I would rush to compliment her.  I figured dispensing kind compliments was part of my job as a man.

The subtext of this, of course, was that I was being raised to believe that women were emotionally dependent upon my praise and my judgment.  And just as I -- or any man -- had the power to comfort and reassure, I also had the power to hurt and wound.  As a "nice guy" in my youth, I knew that I ought never call a woman "fat" or "ugly", but the fact that I didn't use those epithets didn't mean that I wasn't aware of their potential power.  And I'm convinced it's fundamentally unhealthy for men to have this kind of power over women, even if we don't use that power abusively.

When I first read Jill's original post, I felt the old temptation to do as many did: to offer words of reassurance about her looks.  Compliments, especially in cyberspace, are awfully easy; a quick "Those guys are idiots, you're very attractive" would have been effortless.  But I'm convinced it would have been wrong to write it.  Today, I am very careful with compliments and reassurance about physical appearance.  I save that sort of thing for my marriage. With my female friends, students, and especially with the girls in my youth group to whom I am close, I am quick with compliments about everything but physical appearance.

As a professor and a youth leader, I'm keenly aware of how many young women are desperate for praise and validation about their looks.  And I'm equally aware of how damaging it will be if I provide it.  Even when my "kids" ask for that sort of praise in subtle -- and often not-so-subtle -- ways, I won't make comments about visual appearance.   But ask anyone who's seen me with teens -- I'm a hugger and a complimenter about everything else extraordinaire.  It's easy to praise exteriors; harder to get to know a girl or a boy and find out his or her special gifts and talents that lie beneath the surface.  I'm intensely interested in finding the different intellectual, emotional, athletic, artistic and spiritual gifts that my students and youth group kids possess.  And about those qualities, I'm consistently effusive.

Obviously, this is a good rule for a thirty-eight year-old youth worker to use when dealing with teenagers.  But this "be very careful with physical comments and compliments rule" is applicable in the rest of the world, as well.  Pro-feminist men must recognize that men constantly use compliments to gain access to women, and that that is a fundamentally destructive dynamic.   How many bad pick-up lines start with overzealous praise of a woman's appearance?  Men use these lines because as hackneyed as they are, they know sometimes they work.   By the time they reach college, most men recognize that a great many women are deeply and profoundly hungry for praise, and by offering that praise, guys will be able to gain an opening.  When men praise the beauty of women they barely know, they are employing an old patriarchal strategy that preys upon a serious vulnerability. 

Mind you, I regularly tell my wife she's beautiful.  But she's my wife, and my enthusiastic and sincere praise is not tied to an agenda; I'm not trying to get her into bed or gain some other power over her.   Indeed, I think we all should compliment our lovers and spouses, and in a different way, our sons and daughters.  Praise for physical attributes has its time and place, and all of us -- men and women alike -- need to hear it from time to time.  But for too long, men have recognized women's socially-constructed need for body-centered praise, and they have used that need to their advantage.  So men can play a vital role in transforming culture for the better by being very careful  with the physical compliments towards women they don't know well -- and very generous with praise for women's other attributes.  Let's save the "you're beautiful" remarks for those with whom we've already built a relationship.

I'm not accusing the guys who wrote complimentary words to Jill of having a hidden agenda, though some may have hopefully anticipated her gratitude, something that men tend to expect in return for that sort of praise.  But we need to recognize that when we do offer such compliments to those we barely know, even when we do so with sincerity and without expectation, we are helping to reinforce the destructive anti-feminist notion that women are dependent upon near-constant reassurance from lovers, acquaintances, and strangers alike.   Sometimes, the best thing we can do is check our desire to offer that praise, and choose a different strategy to express our admiration and our solidarity.

Comments

[Andermom]

Okay, even though this thread has sort of died out, I just found it and have a few cents to add.

Will- perhaps a better way to think of what Hugo is encouraging (fewer compliments on appearance and more compliments on other things) is that by commenting on something other than appearance you will guarantee that the woman will not be complimented *only* on appearance. Think of an activity where people go around the room and give compliments to everyone. You notice that one person is only complimented on their handwriting. You decide that you will compliment that person on something totally unrelated to their handwriting to offset the trend. Girls will recieve comments on their appearance, by limiting your comments to things other than appearance you are offsetting what other people are unconciously doing.

And did anyone else find it disturbing that from Alexander's comments it seems like he believes that [not complimenting a woman's appearance] = [not complimenting a woman]. It's almost like there isn't anything else to compliment a woman about.

[will]

Andermom:
"perhaps a better way to think of what Hugo is encouraging (fewer compliments on appearance and more compliments on other things) is that by commenting on something other than appearance you will guarantee that the woman will not be complimented *only* on appearance."

I have no disagreement with you. My questions were really more fleshing out people's presumptions about compliments from men as opposed to women.

I also find it interesting that some people assume that only gay men know anything about fashion. That seems inappropriately sterotypical.

[mythago]

But, I am curious about whether your reaction is the same when a female compliments your clothes as a man.

Yes. It has a lot more to do with how well I know them and their manner.

By the way, if a strange man makes a comment about my clothing, I don't assume he wants me. I do assume he was raised by wolves. ;)

[will]

mythago:

Mowgli knew fashion?

[Markymark]

Hi, im Mark and I guess im introducing myself!!

I came across this site suing 'stumble' (Firefox) and thought all the ideas foalting around hete seem realyl interesting! (Although I don't seem to agree with everything lol)

Well, thats me ;)!