Office parties, small tasks, feminism

So we just had our "end-of-the-semester" holiday party for the Social Sciences division.  Lots and lots of food (Hugo had two brownies and a slice of apple pie).  A great chance to socialize with one's colleagues and former colleagues; retired members of the division always come back for food and fun.

This morning, one of my students in my women's studies class asked me, bluntly but politely, if I just "talked the talk" of feminism or if I "walked the walk."  I was clear that to the best of my ability, I do walk that feminist walk.  And lo and behold, in the thirty minutes before the division party began, I found myself in the "party room" setting things up.  I was with six of my female colleagues, but I was the only male prof participating in the "set-up." 

We're a good-natured department, and like most college departments, we like to eat and drink together.  But almost all of the time, the work of setting up and cleaning up is done by women.  Our secretaries are not asked to help (though they do); most of the women who do this work are also faculty members with the same teaching loads and obligations as their male colleagues.  Today, as I carefully cut pies with a very dull knife and laid out dips and veggies, I realized that I'd rather be in my office checking the Internet.  But I can't very well preach egalitarianism and then leave the domestic chores of parties to my female colleagues. 

I'm not asking for praise for a few moment's work.  I'm simply recognizing that it is so easy for me and for other men to "not think" about who puts on the parties, lays out the napkins, slices the cake, and makes sure that the trash can has plastic liners.  It's so easy to just "disappear" into the office until it's time to eat.  But even though they aren't actually present, I often feel the eyes of my students on me; I know they are curious to know if my actions and my words are congruent.  And though feminism is about a good deal more than small tasks of the sort I did this morning, those little chores are not insignificant, either.  Next year, I'm dragging my male office mate with me to "set-up time."

Comments

[Noumena]

This isn't relevant to your overall point, but anyways.

Notre Dame is not exactly the most feminist-friendly school in the world, which is not really surprising once you know how the gay-straight alliance has been denied official recognition as a student organization for years now. But among the first-year grad students -- who are responsible for the Friday afternoon 'wine and cheese' -- you're as likely to find men as women volunteering to set up.

Of course, out of the 16 of us, there are only 3 women, and if none of them happen to be around, someone still has to take care of things.

[The Happy Feminist]

The whole office party set-up thing is something I am very self-conscious about. In my last firm I was one of only five women among thirty attorneys. There were often potluck office parties but somehow these always seemed to be catered by the secretaries (all female), paralegals (all female), and the female attorneys. The men rarely brought anything or set up or cleaned up-- even though these parties were often held at the behest of senior men in the firm. It was very awkward because I didn't want to just leave the grunt work to the secretaries, but at the same time, in a field where perceptions are important even or perhaps especially at a subliminal level, I didn't want to be seen waiting on the men.

To make matters all the more aggravating, I know the men were under no social pressure to waste mental energy thinking and worrying about this stuff- they just showed up, ate, drank and were merry.

[Antigone]

Ick, this came up at Thanksgiving.

I was at my family's house, and before and after the meal, every female from 3 monthes to 80 was in the kitchen/dining room, and every male from 5 to 70 was in the living room, watching the parade and then football. The women did all the cooking, setting, and cleaning.

I sat myself down at the computer and did homework, and loudly enough was pilloried by the females in the family for "not contributing" (in that "North Dakota nice" way the midwesterners should be familiar: you know, loudly saying things for you that they "don't" want you to hear).

I don't know what I'm supposed to do in these situations: I don't mind helping set my own dish or wash my own plate, but little children irritate me (that's what the 16-21 group was doing, watching the younger children underfoot) and I had my own things to accomplish that had nothing to do with boring conversations about how evil liberals are ruining the world.

Ick...I hate going home for the holidays: my liberal, feminist, agnostic, demi-socialist self always goes up against their conservative, misgynistic, born-again Christian, free-market-solves-everything, immigrants-are-ruining the country selves. And I'm outnumbered. *sigh*

Point on this rant: why can they get mad at me for "not helping" when I'm actually working, but not a one of them said anything about the whole living room full of guys who didn't help?

[mythago]

not a one of them said anything about the whole living room full of guys who didn't help?

Aren't you a "one"?

[djw]

What a coincidence that the two of you had the same idea, within minutes of each of other!

[Jenny K]

on the off chance that someone bothers to scroll past crazy spammer -

reason #264 why I have been avoiding by extended family recently:

Thanksgiving evening: the table needed to be cleared so the food wouldn't spoil. The female half of the second generation asked the childless female half of third generation to do it (by name - they didn't just say "girls"). I got up to do so 'cause I knew I hadn't been helping as much as I ought - even though in the back of my mind I was wondering why the male half hadn't been named.

One uncle makes some smart alecy comment - pretty much only because he knows it would piss us (me in particular) off - about us womenfolk taking care of women's work.

So I'm left with the choice of letting him get away with it or being the stereotypical feminist bitch they think I am and refusing to help my mother, grandmother, and aunts out just 'cause I have an uncle who likes to be a jerk (to the extend my aunt lets him get away with it).

I used to love the holidays.

[Caitriona]

I like my family's way of dealing with after-holiday-dinner clean-up. The teens get deligated, male and female. Works for us.

[mythago]

If your family thinks that putting up with your uncle being an asshole is the only alternative to being a stereotypical bitch, I think you're well rid of them.

[Sydney]

I think it's a terrible position to be in, to feel as if one has to choose between being principled (and not helping out those who might need help) and being seen as waiting on or serving the other gender.

If one is having dinner at someone else's house and the host condones, is resigned to, or perhaps finds humorous men who don't help, there's little a person as a guest can do. It would be inappropriate and rude to make a scene. In that situation, I'd probably help out because the person needs help. I can't help what others think or perceive about me as I'm doing so-called "women's work," so I'm not going to concern myself with that.

But if I'm close to the host, I might pull him/her aside beforehand or afterward and let him/her know my concerns and maybe see if s/he feels comfortable working out an arrangement before the next big meal to ensure everyone pitches in (e.g. those who don't cook have to clean, and assigning responsibilities to individuals). If I hosted the party, I would do something like that. And if my male (or female) relatives tried to avoid pitching in, I would feel more than comfortable assigning each of them specific tasks. That's how I'd handle it, anyway. I think it all depends on the social situation and one's comfort level with speaking up in that particular situation.

Regarding helping out at work, I once worked at a place where the workplace culture was one of unspoken but understood cooperation and of working for the good of the group. The head guy and top level managers all helped out with everything, from slicing the cake to collecting trash. They led by example and everyone followed suit. I never felt as if I had to hold back, and I never questioned whether or not people viewed my actions as serving the other gender. It felt great to put my heart into whatever it was I was doing to help.

I understand not every workplace is so group-oriented, though I do think women in positions of influence and power, whether in the home or workplace, can encourage this thoughtful behavior by A.) leading by example (i.e. pitching in) *and* B.) asking -- and expecting -- male relatives/colleagues of a similar status level and younger male relatives/male subordinates at work to help out with specific tasks at family dinners/office functions.

[Uzzah]

I was at my family's house, and before and after the meal, every female from 3 monthes to 80 was in the kitchen/dining room, and every male from 5 to 70 was in the living room, watching the parade and then football. The women did all the cooking, setting, and cleaning.

I sat myself down at the computer and did homework, and loudly enough was pilloried by the females in the family for "not contributing"

I don't know what I'm supposed to do in these situations: I don't mind helping set my own dish or wash my own plate, but little children irritate me (that's what the 16-21 group was doing, watching the younger children underfoot) and I had my own things to accomplish that had nothing to do with boring conversations about how evil liberals are ruining the world.

So let me get this straight..

You are getting upset because you have to help your mom with holiday dinner. Not buy it, or cook it, mind you, just help a little setting and clearing the table. But you hate it, and don't want to help (other than set your own plate), because the men in the house aren't waiting on you and doing for you like your mom is?

Stay at home. Get a cat.

[Caitriona]

Now, Uzzah...

;-)

[Hugo]

Uzzah, you're walking very close to a line here -- please, please, don't be snide to other commenters.

[Keri]

You are getting upset because you have to help your mom with holiday dinner. Not buy it, or cook it, mind you, just help a little setting and clearing the table.

Where was this mentioned in her post? I saw nothing at all that implied she was complaining about helping with dinner, certainly nothing so specific as "setting and clearing the table." What bothered her was that she was later expected to volunteer herself as a babysitter when she had work to do, while the men were permitted to sit and watch television without any comment or criticism.

This reaction is a perfect illustration of the point she was trying to make-- why is it immediate cause for outrage when a woman chooses not to go the extra mile to serve other people, when it's considered perfectly normal for a man to sit in front of the TV and not lift a finger to help with anything? I certainly hope you'd be equally critical of the men in Antigone's family for their refusal to help (or more so, unless you really think watching football is a more important task than doing homework).

[Antigone]

Keri pretty did my defense for me.

Note, I said I DIDN'T mind helping with the dinner and stuff (do you think the house cleaned itself before the extended family came? Do you think I didn't run out and do a million and a half errands to GET said food? Do you think I was doing my homework on Thanksgiving because I WANTED to?) I mind having it presumed that I should have to help with my irritating little cousins and sisters because I'm female and that's just what I'm supposed to do.

Pretty much all the guys have to do for thanksgiving is eat, not burp at the table, and dad had to put salt on the driveway. Why should they get to be lazy, when if EVERYONE pitched in, we would finish sooner, and then get to ALL relax. Hell, we have Tivo, they could even pause the football game.

[Mr. Bad]

Fist off Hugo, I see nothing wrong with Uzzah's commentary. You let feminist women get away with a lot worse than that, so lighten up.

Next, Antigone, clearing the driveway (what you call 'putting salt on' but IMO was probably more) is every bit as difficult - and probably harder - than laying out silverware, dishes, etc. Or cleaning up after the meal. I know this because in addition to cooking the turkey and cooked veggies (the turkey requiring me to get up at 5 am to start it in time) I just cleaned up *all* the leftovers, dishes, silver, etc., at this past Thanksgiving while my wife and family went out for a post-dinner walk. I also cleaned our driveway earlier in the day (no help from anybody, especially the 'women folk') so I have a basis for comparison. And I'm here to tell you, cooking and cleaning the kitchen is a cakewalk compared to clearing off the driveway.

Next, Hugo, what's the breakdown of male/female faculty and staff in your Dept.? Please, I'd really like to know this.

[Hugo]

Is "fist off" some sort of an insult?

Full-time faculty in the Social Sciences Division (tenured and untenured):

Women: 21
Men: 25

It's pretty close. What does that tell you in regards to our party?

[Mr. Bad]

Ooops, sorry Hugo. "Fist off" was supposed to be "first off." A very unfortunate typo. Sorry - my bad.

Ok re. faculty. How about male/female for staff?

[Hugo]

Staff:

One full-time secretary, a woman.
Three part-time secretaries; two women, one man.

But this was a faculty party and not the secretaries job to put it on.

[Mr. Bad]

P.S.: Hugo, as much as you and I disagree, I hope that you realize that I would never tell you to "fist off" or anything else like that. Come on, we may be at extreme odds with each other, but I hope you know that I respect you, and actually like you - in an odd sort of way.

I suspect that there's at least a 50:50 chance that I'd be able to be friends with you. Not that you feel the same about me, but hey, I don't expect nor require such things in my life.

[Mr. Bad]

Ok, so I count even numbers of men and women in your dept (percent effort isn't relevant - I assume that the part-timers were invited to attend the entire party, not just one-half of it). So, perhaps the numbers show some disparity in effort at that party, but what about other functions? Do the men chip in when office furniture needs moving (e.g., in my dept. only men are required to lift and move heavy items - women get to watch), etc.? If my experience is even close to being representative, it all evens out in the end.

[Hugo]

Mr. Bad, please -- I was teasing about the "fist off". I make typos like that all the time.

I am quite confident you and I could be very good friends. As I've written before, even though I consider politics to be an important part of our identities, they aren't at our core. I enjoy you (most of the time) and am quite certain we could enjoy each other's company immensely if we were to meet. That is, if you can stand a bouncy ENFP with the personality of a labrador retriever and the trademark fickleness of a Gemini.

[Mr. Bad]

Hugo, I love labs! And while I can't remember my Myers-Briggs score, I will say that my personality is mostly like a cat, a la Fat Freddie's Cat from the old "Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers" comics (I don't suppose you remember those, being as young a you are). Still, although I'm an old dog, I don't often bite. Unless of course some smartass tries to teach me a new trick or something!... ;)

[The Happy Feminist]

This post is featured in the Carnival of Feminists at

http://happyfeminist.typepad.com/happyfeminist/2005/12/holly_at_self_p.html.

(For some reason the trackback didn't work.)

[Jenny K]

"If your family thinks that putting up with your uncle being an asshole is the only alternative to being a stereotypical bitch, I think you're well rid of them."

Well, actually, what ended up happening is that I threw up my hands, said, fine, I'm not helping, and sat back down on the couch. My Uncle stated that "he knew that would get [us] going" and then started to help - claiming that he intended do so so from the beginning. whatever.

I wasn't really sure how it would turn out - I just knew that my immediate family wouldn't give a damn so I figured it was worth a try. The problem is, I have middle/high school age cousins whose parents may been more annoyed at me than my uncle - and I really don't want to be rid of my yoounger cousins.

"Do the men chip in when office furniture needs moving (e.g., in my dept. only men are required to lift and move heavy items - women get to watch), etc.?"

Actually, that annoys me too. I do ask guys at work to get stuff from the higher shelves sometimes if it's quick and easy and they can reach it with a stepstool but I'd need a ladder, but it's it's not like they haul all the books and boxes I need to move. The managers are, however, more likely ask the guys to move the bigger furniture (something I don't always understand since while guys have more upper body strength, it seems that when you're going for group effort - the more the merrier) and we've yet to have a woman work in receiving (although most of our bargain leads - which might as well be a recieiving position at times - have been female).

[Mr. Bad]

I said: "Do the men chip in when office furniture needs moving (e.g., in my dept. only men are required to lift and move heavy items - women get to watch), etc.?"

To which Jenny K responded: "Actually, that annoys me too. I do ask guys at work to get stuff from the higher shelves sometimes if it's quick and easy and they can reach it with a stepstool but I'd need a ladder, but it's it's not like they haul all the books and boxes I need to move."

Ok, so you've stated that it "annoys you too," stated that despite this annoyance you also do this with your male co-workers, and described how the managers do this as well. However, what you haven't explained is whether or how you've done anything to make this situation more equitable vis-a-vis men and women in your workplace. Sounds to me like you're talking the talk but not walking the walk.