A musing on the church, sexual sin, and giving too much

I was going to blog about Tookie Williams this morning, but I feel compelled to touch on the delicate topic that Jenell Paris has raised at her place in two posts, yesterday and today.  She writes:

I'm also despondent about pastoral scandals (having learned of a few more recently).  I've been part of seven churches in my life, and there have been ten pastoral scandals within the orbits of those churches (some at sister churches or related groups). Is that normal? There's pedophilia, affairs, boundary-crossings, pornography...all are somehow related to sex.

First, I thought it was because they're all evangelical - so uncomfortable with the body that sexuality is hidden and comes out inappropriately. Then, I wondered about maleness. Sexual inappropriateness is rampant among American men, but for the most part, pastors are one of the only professions in the bar is set fairly high for sexual sins are job-threatening offenses (affairs and emotional entanglements wouldn't normally get you fired) and in which people expect greater morality from men. In one institution where I worked, a pastor's scandal was made public, but another office worker (whose offenses were 'worse') was disappeared privately. So is it maleness? If women were given similar power, we'd abuse it too - perhaps in different ways, but blaming gender isn't the answer. My final and most depressing suggestion is that something (the pastorate? the American church? Christianity as we know it?) is just rotten to the core.

Powerful questions. I can assure Jenell that sexual scandals are not unheard of outside evangelicalism!  Obviously the Roman Catholic church has had its struggles, but having spent plenty of time with Episcopalians, mainline Presbyterians, and even ultra-progressive Unitarians, I've seen the same sort of tragedies occur within these (theoretically) more "open" denominations.  If there's a large subsection of American Christianity that has never been touched by sexual wrongdoing on the part of a male leader, I haven't heard of it.

Here goes a "Hugo theory", and it's just that, a theory.  I have no evidence to offer beyond a considerable amount of anecdotal experience.  I am convinced that all of us, male or female, Christian or not, are vulnerable to sexual misbehavior.  None of us is born with a perfect sense of boundaries and propriety, and though men and women often manifest their boundary violations differently, we are all ultimately, quite capable of crossing lines we shouldn't cross.  But I am fairly certain that there is something about the "pastoral personality" that makes many of us particularly prone to sexual misconduct.

The most effective pastors and youth ministers I've known (and I'm not just speaking about All Saints Pasadena, but about several other churches of which I've been a part) are, of course, "people people."  Though not all good pastors are genuine extroverts, most love the opportunity to connect with their congregations on a spiritual and intimate level.   Almost every young pastor or priest I've known has had a real problem setting boundaries with time and emotional energy.  Congregations from the left to the right, from Unitarians to Reform Calvinists, place superhuman expectations on their all-too-human shepherds.  For men and women of any age, but perhaps especially for the young who are new to ministry, it becomes virtually impossible to say "no."   So many needy people want to plug themselves into what they imagine to be your socket of spiritual energy!  (Nowhere is this more true than in youth ministry.)  Most pastors want to be selfless givers, following in the footsteps of Jesus.  They don't know how to say "no" to the needy, the vulnerable, and the chronically self-absorbed (all churches are full of the latter).  They give and give and give and, as we've all seen in our churches, they burn out.

I think that the thing that ties all sexual sin (adultery, pornography, affairs with parishioners, boundary violations with teens) together is a hunger for an experience that is all about us, our pleasure, our happiness.  People who spend their lives in public service are perhaps particularly vulnerable to these sins because they do such a poor job of taking care of themselves.   Over and over again, they deny their own needs and push themselves to the limits of spiritual, physical, and emotional exhaustion.  Their minds and bodies crave rest, but they also crave an experience that is, for once, "all about them."   They long for something that is "just theirs", a time or an activity or a relationship where they don't have to feel the crushing burden of public demands and expectations.

As anyone who has spent time with a porn addict -- or been a porn addict -- knows, time seems to disappear when one is "using."  One's world gets very, very narrow when one is masturbating to porn.  All that matters is the next image on the screen or on the next page, all that matters is one's own gratification.   It is, perhaps, the single most selfish activity imaginable.  It's not only intensely selfish, it's intensely private.  For someone like a pastor or a youth minister, whose career is about public sharing and giving, porn use (and other sexual sin) is at the very opposite end of the human emotional and spiritual spectrum from their vocation.  But because they exhaust themselves so easily, because they are all-too-conscious of the huge expectations placed upon them by their congregants, the allure of sexual transgression becomes all the greater.  It is a perverse kind of emotional balancing, I think, an attempt to restore equilibrium.

I had an old friend who had lost his job in ministry (again, not at any church I've named as one with which I am associated.)  He was caught with tons of porn on his church computer, and had regularly visited strip clubs on "church time" (and with church money.)  We talked about what he had been doing, and he said that he justified his behavior by saying "I deserve this."  He had worked so hard for his church, gone so far beyond his job description that he was at church or doing pastoral care work close to 100 hours a week.  He gave and gave and gave.  And at the end of the day -- or sometimes in the middle of the day -- he thus felt quite justified in "taking a little bit of time for me."  When he would look at porn for half an hour, all by himself, he would tell himself, "This is my 'me' time; I deserve this after all the work I've done."  On a deeper level, he struggled with shame and the "If they only knew!" anxiety.  It was, he explained, almost a relief when he was caught.

So how can the church address this?  Well, we need to get more honest about the human frailties of all of those who do ministry work.  We need a two-fold strategy that both demands greater accountability for private behavior and "personal time", but also watches carefully to prevent the sort of pastoral burnout that so often precedes sexual scandal.  I think both men and women in ministry need to be partnered with others in their church.  These partners (who should generally be of the same sex and age) will regularly and lovingly ask the "tough questions."  They might use an internet program like Covenant Eyes together. (I use it and recommend it to everyone.)   When they see their partner spending too much time with one person, they'll confront them -- not publicly, but gently and privately.

And when a "fall" happens, the worst option is to have the sinner quickly and quietly leave the church community.   Obviously, if a child has been molested and a crime committed, the authorities will need to be involved and the minister removed for the sake of the victim if no one else.  But in the case of consensual adultery, or pornography, or other less heinous but still serious transgressions, the focus has to be on healing and redemption within the church itself..  Folks who want their priests and ministers on pedestals need a wake-up call; they will benefit from seeing the brokenness of their shepherd.  They may figure out that the laity need to take more responsibility, and that the "priesthood of all believers" involves holding everyone to the same standard rather than demanding Christ-like self-sacrifice from church leaders.  They will get a chance to witness and participate in a journey of restoration and healing, and that will be a powerful sermon indeed.

I'm a "people person."  I naturally gravitate to situations where I can connect with others emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.   There's a generous and giving element to this: it's what makes me a good teacher, a compassionate mentor, and a very loving youth leader.  There's a darker, more selfish element as well:  I need -- and I'm not shy about saying this -- a lot of praise, affirmation, and "stroking."    In both my profession and my youth work avocation, I give and give, but I also receive and receive.  As with so many of my brothers and sisters, generosity and narcissism are both part and parcel of what I do and who I am.  Some folks see more of the former, some more of the latter, but my true friends see both and love me in my goodness and my brokenness.  But I have to be careful to ask for help and affirmation even as I continue to give and share!  Pretending to be superhuman, pretending to be like Jesus, will get me no place good and it will get me there fast. (Sorry, Mom and Dad, about the grammar -- but trust me, that's the best way to put it.)

Because of my past, because of my nature, I have really, really good boundaries in place with students and teens and colleagues and fellow volunteers.   I'm careful both in terms of public perception of my behavior and in terms of my own emotions and my own sexuality.  And I know enough that I can't do this alone.   Both in and out of the college and the church, there are men and women who know me, love me, and watch me lovingly as I watch them.  We can ask each other the hard questions, hold each other accountable, and together, keep everyone safe.  I couldn't do what I do without them

Comments

[Brian]

Porn use is sin, even if my spouse and I enjoy it together? Sez who?

[Hugo]

Brian, I'm writing for the church here, not those outside. For varying reasons, most thoughtful Christian writers are deeply troubled by porn; most Christian denominations are explicit in their belief that its use is damaging on a soul level. And here is where I split with some of my secular feminist sisters and most (not all) of my secular brothers.

[sparklegirl]

Alas, a Blog has a really good post about porn today.

[jenell]

I think the Hugo theory is a good one, and it explicates one aspect of the problem. Another is power. Teaching, and all helping professions have some of this, but the pastorate is uniquely a career in which people hold organizational and culturally ascribed power over other people's spiritual lives. Child molestation is one case with its own dynamics, and porn addiction another. What about the many 'consensual' affairs and emotionally embedded relationships between a male pastor and a female underling (staff or layperson)? I've seen so many pastors threatened by their peers or professional 'superiors', who indulge themselves in cultivating groups of followers who will 'stroke' them in the ways they need. This cycles back into your theory at this point. People who hold power over others (and professors are certainly in this group) have to learn how to handle it, and ultimately, how to share and diffuse it. Too many of us get life, ego, and self-esteem from the power we hold over others. And for pastors, the church is a pretty unforgiving setting in which to mature and grow through those issues.

[Heather]

Hmmmm....well, I appreciate the perspective because I hadn't thought of it like this before but I have to agree with jenell. Clergy are in positions of power and I think we have to look at that element of it. However, your post makes me think of ways in which I may be doing inappropriate things and justify it as "me time." Blogging is one of those things since I tend to do it at work. Ultimately the lesson for me seems to be that I'm not taking enough time for myself - still. Um, when will I have learned that lesson already?

[Bacchante]

Your post was very interesting to me, as it touched on a nexus of issues for which I have a passion: the way religion intersects with personality types and attitudes towards sexuality within a spiritual community. I would like to respond--respectfully, of course--as a pagan.

"I am convinced that all of us, male or female, Christian or not, are vulnerable to sexual misbehavior."

Yes, I think it comes down to personal responsbility, not religious affiliation.

The main reason why I think sexual abuses and addictions occur in churches is because Protestant Christianity tends to separate matter and spirit and then place the minister on high with those "superhuman expectations" and as a locus of spiritual energy. When there is a separation like that, the unconscious seeks a balance and what better place than the "underworld" of porn? Your friend's experience sounds to me more like an issue of balance rather than sin. However, you've explained your position on porn and I respect that. I see it as more a problem of economic exploitation.

But that's not to say pagan communities are perfect. Although we may be more open about sexuality and seek more egalitarian relationships and not hierarchical, abuses and misunderstandings still occur--for example, people will attend rituals and celebrations with the attitude that they'll "hook up because pagans are easy" and not because they have a spiritual commitment. Also, when a group enters a state of ecstasy through ritual or singing, boundaries dissolve, and vulnerabilities arise. It's important for us all to develop strong boundaries, whatever our beliefs may be, to be able to say "this far, and no further because I respect you and myself."

(And "stroking" isn't so bad--we all need affirmation, although, speaking as an ENFJ, I see this as a particular need of extraverts).

[Christy]

Hugo -

I think both you and Jenell are right. I think it's a combination of the shadow side of the "pastoral personality" and the position of spiritual power that pastors find themselves in. And Bacchante has a good point about dualism as well.

People in other "helping" type professions, such as social workers, therapists, and teachers tend to have the same kind of issues with boundaries, ego, etc, but their power is more limited. a teacher or social worker isn't given the power to pass judgment on the state of your soul, so I think that all of those issues get magnified in the lives of pastors. Plus, a senior pastor or priest is in a position of power over others in a dynamic that you don't see in any other setting. How big of an ego trip is it to have a few hundred people sitting in silence, listening to you, and taking notes on what you say every week? In my experience of churches, while it's the sexual stuff that will get you fired, a pastor can be abusing power and have very unhealthy relationships with his family, staff and congregants and not get called on it for years. And if they do get called on it, usually they just get fired rather than having the opportunity to work all of that through.

It's more than just the shadow side of the pastoral personality - it's the system that we've set up that encourages us to give up control of our souls to someone else. It doesn't work very well for clergy or the rest of us.

[The Gonzman]

I think once you get down to it, the same percentage of people in such professions - statistically - wind up abusing authority, acting unethically, or whatever, as the rest of the population.

[Carissa]

Hugo-I appreciate your input and take on this topic. As a pastor/minister you are constantly in the spotlight and many people place very high expectations on you to perform and be perfect. I think at times, sexual "misbehavior", can be seen as a personal/private escape for people in ministry. With so many people watching your every move, anything you can pull off or get away with in private is liberating. I wonder if, at times, sexual misbehavior feels liberating to a pastor/minister. They can finally get out of the spotlight, stop being perfect, and enjoy breaking the "rules"... It just seems like for someone in that position, it would be very freeing to go against everything people expect of them and like you said, do something for themselves. I don't necessarily agree with it, but I totally get it. The pressure of ministry is tough and something we so often forget, is that pastors/ministers are people too...just like us...they screw up, they sin, they make mistakes...and God forgives them just like He forgives us!

[graham]

Hugo, I am almost sold on your theory. However, I am unclear on whether you're suggesting it's a problem with the pastor's personality (generally speaking) or the very role of "Pastor". (I think you're saying both?)

For me, the issue is the role and the expectations and opportunities that go with it. Like you, I have good boundaries in place because I wouldn't trust myself as far as I can throw myself! However, I'm also painfully aware that I have constant opportunities to by-pass those boundaries - and get away with it.

If I add to the opportunities that Pastors are given the sheer exhaustion that can accompany the role, and the splitting of one's personality as saint/sinner, then I am almost surprised that this doesn't happen more often.

[Hugo]

Graham, you're right -- I am suggesting it is both.

[Hugo]

Oh, and Carissa, you're absolutely right about the sense of liberation. The "if they only knew" effect is a very powerful one.

Speaking of power, I agree that that is part of the problem. To have such access to so many lives, to be so trusted, to be so needed and so (often) idolized is intoxicating. Even in a lay capacity with kids, I've never known anything quite like it.

[john alan turner]

Hugo,
Thanks for your clarity on this subject. I try reminding people in ministry of the old airline mantra: "Make sure you put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting those around you." Ministry is exhausting enough. Ministering from a deficit is impossible to sustain over the long haul and usually precedes some sort of compromise (moral, ethical, legal, etc.).

[ricia]

While I truly appreciate your kind, empathetic and generous perspective on the matter, some of the issues surrounding sexual misconduct that churches contend with, don't come within an inch of this theory. Someone already spoke to the issue of power, so I'll speak about safety.

One of the aspects of religion (I am not religious, thus I put it so) that I appreciate the most, is the sense of community and extended family a church offers. Where a church as succeeded in this realm, there is a sanctity of 'the group', of the community, that is respected. A unification and code of solidarity is nurtured. The unfortunate side of this, can be that uniquely unacceptable behaviors are overlooked for the sake of that union. Denial can run rampant where that sanctity is deeply felt. I have seen, for example, the occassion where a community of faithful have 'overlooked' the abuse of one members wife and children. Not because they conciously efforted tolerance nor because they supported such a situation, but because they refused to accept the evidences before them. It was as if to 'see' would be to threaten to distroy that sanctity. It was, in some cases, as if it would even threaten their faith.

The "Church" (as a generalization) has long been a time of refuge and combined with the above, can habour some cultural norms within itself, that may for the most part be positive for all involved. But it can also be a place for people to 'hide'. Sometimes, a safe place to hide, isn't a safe place for everyone.

I'm very sure that you did not intend to speak of more serious and grave issues, such as physical abusers or the molestation of minors. But these thoughts came up for me, when reading your post. Due to past experience / observations and due to the well publicized circumstances related to sexual misconduct, over time.

[Hugo]

Ricia, you're right. My post here was not about how churches ought to deal with protecting the congregation, but more on what the particular connection between the pastorate and sexual acting-out might be.

[John]

Hugo,

I think your theory is generally true. As someone with a volunteering temprament, it is very easy to get out of balance. We often forget Christ said "No" fairly frequently and went away with His disciples.

[Hugo]

You're right, John. I've always felt Mark 6:31-32 should be mandatory reading for pastors and volunteers on a regular basis!

[BritGirlSF]

Much as it pains me to agree with Gonzman, I think he may be right in this case. Could it not be possible that the perception that an unusually high percentage of the clergy are involved in sexually inappropriate behavior is just a side-effect of the fact that, due to their position, they may simply be more likely to get caught than the rest of the population? Honestly, the "me time" explanation sounds like nothing more than a clever person's attempt to justify behaviour they know to be wrong. Smart people are good at making excuses for themselves.
There's also the fact that clergy, like teachers, sports coaches, social workers etc are simply more likely to be given unsupervised assess to young people than those in other professions. There may be an opportunistic aspect to the phenomenon.

[alexander]

But I am fairly certain that there is something about the "pastoral personality" that makes many of us particularly prone to sexual misconduct.

I've heard a related point from women over the years. It's that they see pastors and priests as "safe." These are the alpha males of their church community, full of power and with the respect of other men. So women can flirt about them but not (in theory) have to worry about sinning by actually having sex.

[sandra c. o.]

WELL i believe that most of our problems in the church today is our inability to understand our temprament , as we know that most of this tempramental behaviour are natural and we can only overcome them if we know them and their weaknesses.