New books, and a reflection on fish and bicycles

First off, please say hello beneath my call to "de-lurk!" one post below this.  Thanks.

It's to be a relatively busy Thursday.  This morning in my women's history class, I'll be having my first discussion of Lynn Phillips' terrific Flirting with Danger: Young Women's Reflections on Sexuality and Domination.  It's hardly as risque as it sounds, but it's a challenging, provocative book.  Phillips is interested in the complexity and ambiguity of sex and power in the lives of women.  As she writes in the intro:

(The current) literatures generally portray women's perception of male aggression as relatively straightforward and unidimensional -- either exclusively erotic and sought after, or exclusively demeaning and terrifying.  Yet women's own accounts are often more textured and complex, filled with apparent internal contradictions that have not yet been sufficiently explored in the social science or popular literature.

Phillips is particularly interested in the phenomenon of the "denial of victimhood", where young women insist on reconstructing the narratives of past unpleasant sexual encounters in order to give themselves some agency.  She's interested too in the willingness of so many young women to accept that male sexual desire is a "problem to be managed", and she notes with some concern how many of the women she interviewed for her study continued to blame themselves exclusively for sexual encounters that "went badly."

I'll report how it goes.  It's a tricky thing, really; a nearly middle-aged male professor leading an almost entirely young and female class in a discussion of the dynamics of sex, power, and consent. You have to have a strange mixture of faith, hubris, prayerful humility and cockiness to pull it off!  (I suppose I've got all four in spades, at least on a good day!)  If this class is like my other classes in years past, that difficulty will be exacerbated by the huge experiential gulf among my students.    The virginal and the well-experienced sit side by side, often with a kind of mutual incomprehension of the other's experiences (and often with a healthy layer of judgment to boot.)  It makes for a challenge.

On a distantly related front, a couple of folks in the comments section below my post yesterday (a piece I am particularly proud of, by the way), revisit the old line "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." Given that my post yesterday strongly advocated for romantic commitments (particularly long-term monogamous ones) as the best vehicle for personal and spiritual growth, I'm obviously rejecting that old saying.

I've found that most contemporary young feminists have little use for the "fish and bicycle" bit.   Fish have no desire to ride bikes; women and men alike have, for the most part, a deep and abiding desire to form an emotionally and sexually intimate relationship with another human being.  (Not all of us have that desire for the other sex, of course.)  The fish and bicycle remark always bothered me because it seemed to trivialize the very real need we all have to be challenged, to be nurtured, to transformed by an intimate relationship with another human being.

On the other hand, I do understand the frustrations that lie behind the remark.  Far too many women (and some men) found the traditional roles for husband and wife that society prescribed in an earlier age to be horribly confining.  Far too few marriages offered the kind of exciting and profound opportunities for growth that I'm so enthusiastic about.  And a great many feminists, rightly so, rejected the notion that a woman's happiness -- and economic security -- ought to be contingent upon a relationship with a man.  In the sense that feminism succeeded in ensuring women's access to education, property rights, and a significant role in public life, the quotation is true: women ought no more need a man in order to be free agents in the public sphere than a fish ought need a bike to get around the ocean.

But feminism is about more than public rights. It's also, at its best, about private happiness.  And though a few of us, a very few, are called to lifelong celibacy, most of us hunger for deep and intimate connection with another human being.   Rather than throwing up our hands in frustration at the mysteries of the other sex, or despairing of any possibility of real connection, we've got to continue to work to transform ourselves and those around us to make it possible for us to find the intimacy we crave and the challenges we need.  Contrary to the rhetoric of some on the right, feminism doesn't insist that only men change.  At its best, feminism is about demanding radical accountability from each party in every romantic and sexual encounter.  Feminism and pro-feminism call on both men and women to be braver, kinder, more proactive, less reactive.  Bluntly put, feminism forces us to confront our own shit and deal with it. And sometimes, we won't do the hard work of "dealing" until we are challenged by the very person who shares our bed, our bathroom, and our breakfast.  After all, who is better qualified to know our filth -- and to love us as we seek to rid ourselves of it -- than she or he who is our most intimate partner?

Do women and men need each other?   No, not if you're suggesting that for today's prosperous Americans, sexual partnership is vital for long-term economic and intellectual success.  Women and men alike can make happy and important contributions to the well-being of our world alone or partnered.  No woman, no man, should "need" a marriage in order to gain access to public rights.  But for almost all of us, heterosexual, gay, or lesbian, I do believe we become our best when we live our lives in vitalized, egalitarian, committed relationships.

So yeah, I guess fish do need bicycles.  And an unridden bike gets rusty real fast.  (Um, better stop that line of thought...)

Comments

[NancyP]

Hugo, when I was in college in the early '70s, the saying "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" was predominantly a lesbian saying indicating that women didn't need men to have sex.

[The Gonzman]

...which can be debunked here: http://www.abc.net.au/perth/stories/s1189577.htm

[Hugo]

Gonz's link correctly attributes it to Irina Dunn. Obviously, different wings of the feminist movement (including lesbians) have used the phrase for a variety of purposes. The term has traditionally been understood, I think, to refer to heterosexual women and lesbians equally, rather than the latter primarily.

[Fritz]

I like to ride my bicycle... but I'm not a fish :-)

[aldahlia]

As far as I'm aware the fish/bicycle thing was for straight women, too... but, straight women in a very different position from women today.

My grandmother was huge on the quote, and I think you can find hints of it in more recent revised editions of Betty Friedan's "The Feminine Mystique." She alludes to "I finally got my divorce..." I think that it's an idea that spoke much, much more clearly to women that married in the 40's, 50's and early 60's. If you're told your whole life that without a man--you'll starve, you'll be open to physical attacks, you'll be essentially unhappy and unwomanly, then tossing those ideas is much more revolutionary.

[Miranda]

Can I de-lurk here, instead? This way, I can express my appreciation/support for the blog (and its Matilde galleries) while contributing my $0.02 on the fish/bicycle thing.

As my birthday is in early March, I'm both a woman AND a fish, which makes me something of an authority on the matter. Both my boyfriend and my bicycle contribute greatly to my happiness, health, and general quality of life (the bicycle to a lesser degree, of course). Three cheers for true love and going down hills really fast.

[Antigone]

I personally prefer this one:

Heckler: Are you a lesbian?
Feminist activist who's name escapes me right now: Are you my alternative?

I'd rather have nothing than an MRA or a patriarch. Luckily, I don't have to make that choice: we have all different types of bikes to choose from.

[Fred]

Heckler: Are you gay?
MRA who's name escapes me right now: Are you my alternative?

I'd rather have nothing than an feminist or a matriarch. Luckily, I don't have to make that choice: we have all different types of fish to choose from.

[Antigone]

Florynce Kennedy, that was her name. Now Fred has to actually look up an MRA who said that.

[Hershele Ostropoler]

What, in this context, is a matriarch?

[Stentor]

My ex-girlfriend had a poster of the fish on a bicylce on her wall. When I first saw it (at a time I was interested, but we weren't yet dating), I got discouraged, assuming it meant that she wasn't interested in dating. But as it turned out, it meant that she was quite content to be single, and therefore when she *did* start dating someone, it was because the relationship was a really good one, since she had a satisfactory alternative. After all, the fish may not need the bicycle, but it looked like it was having a good time riding it.

[mythago]

the old line "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle."

I'm rather sure that Gloria Steinem said that. She's now married, by the way.

What, in this context, is a matriarch?

Most likely a woman who thinks men should be treated in the way that men have traditionally been encouraged to treat women.

[Hugo]

Mythago, read the first three comments -- Steinem herself attributes the line to Irina Dunn, who attributes it to a bathroom stall at the University of Sydney.

[Hershele Ostropoler]

"What, in this context, is a matriarch?"

Most likely a woman who thinks men should be treated in the way that men have traditionally been encouraged to treat women.

Ah. That's a more charitable interpretation than mine. It seems to me that one can't have patriarchs (in the relevant sense) without patriarchy, so Fred's would-be clever little turnabout game falls flatter than if he'd responed to a suggestion of slavery reparations to African Americans by calling for slavery reparations to whites.

The other comparison doesn't work either: feminists are trying to fight (often deeply entrenched) sexism, MRAs are celebrating it.

[bmmg39]

Fred's "word-turnabout" was completely appropriate. If you're the type to say, "I'd rather have nothing than have an MRA," then you have no right to have any sort of problem with someone who says, "I'd rather have nothing than have a feminist." If you're willing to write off a group of men because they (like feminists) believe in sticking up for their own rights rather than allowing themselves to be doormats, then prepare for getting it right back.

boy genteel
End violence against women AND men.
www.vawa4all.org

[bmmg39]

WHOEVER came up with the bit about fish and bicycles, it's extremely insulting. No, it doesn't just say that women don't NEED men; it suggests that women have absolutely NO USE for (a relationship with) a man. Fish don't ride bicycles, ever.

(Notice what I added parenthetically above. Another insulting facet of the quotation is that it equates men with inanimate objects. Say what you will: at least fish are sentient beings.)

As so many things certain women say, it isn't taken into account that the door swings both ways. Some declare their gleeful lack of a need for men, but are stunned when men make a similar declaration about women. You think fish don't need bicycles? Have you considered how little need the bicycle has for the FISH?

boy genteel
End violence against women AND men.
www.vawa4all.org

[Term papers]

Interesting Ans mind Opening Article as for me. I have read That Phillips is particularly interested in the phenomenon of the "denial of victim hood", where young women insist on reconstructing the narratives of past unpleasant sexual encounters in order to give themselves some agency.

[Generic viagra]

I've found that most contemporary young feminists have little use for the "fish and bicycle" bit. Fish have no desire to ride bikes; women and men alike have, for the most part, a deep and abiding desire to form an emotionally and sexually intimate relationship with another human being.

[discount viagra online]

hello, I really liked the part of the post that talks about books, really is an issue that concerns us a lot, thank you for sharing and encourage people to learn to read from an early age, since it is a good habit

[Steve Smith]

It a different wings of the feminist movement

[cheap kamagra]

Do you think they should split the fish catagory into saltwater and freshwater and then other stuff? Would make sense to me but i dunno Where can you make suggestions? lol

[buy viagra]

Someone out there has got to know and have more experience with this than I do. I've looked all over the net and keep coming up with the same answer. Yeah, I know, Koi. We're kind of bored with the same old look though. We'd like to know what fish we can add to our fish/garden pond. Fish that can live outdoors and with Koi. Fish with color. Not plane old pond fish. Something with yellow would be great. Please Help!

[Gucci Handbags]

I was very pleased to find this site. This is an intelligent and well written article, you must have put a fair amount of research into writing this.

[NFL Jerseys]

I'd rather have nothing than an feminist or a matriarch. Luckily, I don't have to make that choice: we have all different types of fish to choose from.

[domasrisk]

Grissom shifted his eyes over at Brass, who was shaking his head back and forth knowingly.