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July 26, 2005

Comments

Hugo

Well, gosh. It's clear that the details of what happened all those years ago still haunt you, and that's painful. At the same time, your wife is right -- you have no right to judge her for what she did before the two of you were together. And while you have a right to her fidelity, you don't have a right to demand that she stay silent about her entire past to everyone else. (Though if she's bragging about it everywhere, that's another issue altogether.) There's a difference betweeen regretting one's past and taking a vow of silence about it.

I don't know her intent, but I doubt it was to embarrass you. If it was, then that is a sign of real cruelty; if not, it may well be that you have farther to go than you realize on your journey. Your choice is to practice radical, unconditional love of your wife or to allow these feelings to consume you. And though it may seem you cannot help how you feel, my experience has been that counseling can indeed offer tremendous relief to those who suffer obsessive or intrusive thoughts.

Be well -- many years ago, I was where you are, and I found healing and relief in counseling and prayer.

sophonisba

She always assured me she regretted the way she acted and would do it differently if she could.

Regret's not the same as shame.

If you think your wife should not only regret but be ashamed and silent about it - why? If she talked about her marital sex life, or if she cheated on you and told people, that would certainly be embarrassing and a breach of boundaries, but her pre-marital sex life? It didn't include you - that's why it bothers you, after all. So how can mentioning it be an act of disrespect to you?

You're hurt and upset, and you absolutely have a right to your feelings, but nothing your wife did before knowing you can possibly be construed as any kind of offense against you, since she hadn't made any promises to you then. If she harmed anybody, she harmed herself, and if she's gotten over it enough to stop feeling much regret, isn't that good? You'd be much more upset if your wife, whom you love, was still ashamed and punishing herself all this time later, surely. Wouldn't her pain upset you more than her nonchalance?

mythago

It's not all about you, dude.

Thought I was over it but....

You guys are completely right on the money. Thank you. I should be thankful that she has moved on. And, there is nothing I can do about what happened before I met her so why bother myself with it? She used to feel shameful and those were miserable times. I should embrace the fact that she no longer feels this way. This is a selfish thought, but part of my issue I think isn't about her sexual history as much as it is about a lack of my own. In a sick but honest revelation, I think I would be better off if I had a few notches in the bedpost of my own before I met her. That is stupid I know, but a deep part of me is embarassed that I was a virgin and married the first girl I had sex with. I feel inferior to her and to most of the people I know in this arena as there aren't too many guys like me (at least that I know). I always had plenty of girlfriends, but I was scared to have sex (might have been 8 years of Catholic school, I dunno). Anyway, thanks for the advice.

Hugo

You've copped to your real reasons for your jealousy, Thought, and that's commendable. Best of luck to you and your wife.

Gmon

I too admit I have a problem with being jealous of my partner's past sexual partners and even though a lot of it is totally irrational and idiotic I still can't help but feel it although it has been subsiding a little. She had 3 partners before me including a husband of 5 years. I was a virgin before I met her. Needless to say I knew I would not measure up to them in the begining especially since these men were at least 5 years older than me in thier 30's therefore with plenty of experience. At first I excepted that but I made it my goal to eventually beat them as lovers. I have come a long way (no pun intended) . It's only been 3 months and she recently called me a "good fu**er" and told me that she never desired a guy as much as me. And I know she's telling the truth and not just trying to stroke my ego because I never provoked these comments. But yet I still can't help overcoming my jealously. She was talking about one of her ex's recently and told me how she was really never that close to him even though they went out for 6 months but the sex was good. The wave of jealosoly I felt when I heard that was tremendous, even as I type this I can feel it. I feel this way because I figure that this guy must have been a really good lover for her to have stayed with him that long. It bothers the hell out of me. Am I insecure? I think so and I think it has to do with me being new to a sexual relationship and having such high standards for myself. But I do know deep down inside I'm being such an idiot for feeling this way especially given that the sex we have is great and she tells me it great unprovoked, we love each other, and I'm getting better at sex all the time. Also unlike her other lovers who could only go 1 time a day, I can go 3-5 times in one day and we have sex about 7-10 times a week even though we don't live together. I gotta be doing something right for this to happen I tell myself. But still I can't help but feel jealous about her ex. I don't want to ask her how I compare to her other lovers because she may not tell me the truth. I am waiting for her to say that I am the best she's had unprovoked so I know its true. But actually I feel a lot less jealous now that I have put in writing what I have done with this girl and made her feel in just 3 months. Not bad for rookie eh?

Gmon

Hey all, its me again. My jealousy has subsided further these days. I just had a wild weekend with my girlfriend and mabey it had to do with me reflecting upon my jealousy which I believe made me desire her ever more . The sex I had with her was the best yet. It was wild animal sex. If the loudness and frequency of a girl's moans are indicators of how good you were in bed then I'd have to say I was pretty damn good. One of the nights involved drunken sex and man I gotta tell you, it was the best I ever had. The "whiskey dick" effect made me last for about 35 minutes. In fact, I couldn't even finish because I got tired. The problem I have now is not so much my jealousy but that I might be in too deep. Just after we were done doing the deed she told me to never leave her and stay with her forever. I don't know if that was the alcohol talking but damn what a thing to say for only about 3.5 months of being together. I could picture myself marrying this girl one day but its too soon for me to think about stuff like that. I was flattered though and I know she loves me very much. What an idiot I am for feeling so jealous over nothing.

Chocell

Wow. I just stumbled across this site, read through everyone's comments and I'm already started to feel a little better. It looks like no one has posted for a couple of months, but I sure could use a support group for men who suffer from this retroactive jealousy. In the hopes that someone is still out there listening, here's my story:

When I first met my wife, she had just recently been divorced from her first husband and I had just recently ended a relationship with my fiancé. We were both 23 years old at the time. I was a virgin, as I had decided long ago to abstain until I was married. Unlike most people who choose to abstain, I didn’t do it for religious reasons. I’m just a hopeless romantic who only wanted to experience that kind of intimacy with the one woman whom I had committed to love, hold and cherish for the rest of my life.

When we first started seeing each other, she was honest and up front with me regarding her first marriage relationship. Within a week of meeting her first husband, she had moved in with him. A couple of months later, she got pregnant. A few months after that, they got married. Shortly after they got married, she miscarried. Fortunately, she didn’t have anymore children with him. She and her first husband stayed married for the next couple of years, until he met someone else and basically kicked her out.

Because of her past and the fact that both of us were on the rebound, I wanted to be cautious and take things slow, so at first we were only seeing each other as friends (i.e. no kissing or physical contact). A few months later, we came to a cross-road. She wanted to take the relationship further, but I could already feel some pretty intense feelings of retroactive jealousy. I thoroughly enjoyed her company and I was physically attracted to her as well, and I thought that the retroactive jealousy thing was completely irrational and that I would eventually get over it. So, we decided to take the relationship to the next level. As things started to heat up between us physically, my feelings of retroactive jealousy only got worse. It was at that point that I first told her about those feelings and she basically laughed it off as ridiculous. We stayed together for about a year until I just couldn’t take it anymore and I broke things off. At that same time, I moved to the east coast to take a new job. Well, she continued to call me and e-mail me, so we continued our long-distance relationship as friends. Within a few months, the feelings of retroactive jealousy had largely subsided, and I erroneously thought that I, indeed, had gotten over it. So over the holidays when I went back to our hometown, I proposed to her. After the holidays, I went back to the east coast for my job and we didn’t even see each other again until 4 months later when we got married. During that entire time when we were doing the long-distance thing, I didn’t really have too many feelings of retroactive jealousy. I suppose I can attribute it to the whole out-of-sight, out-of-mind thing. So we got married and at that point, I couldn’t have been happier, but the happiness was short lived. The happiness and excitement basically ended the first night of our honeymoon.

I suppose I shouldn’t have expected much for my first time, but to make a long story short, she went to sleep that night unsatisfied. We tried again a few other nights with the same result and decided to just cut our honeymoon short and come back to our hometown to visit family and friends. Well one evening, when we were staying with her sister, after my wife had thought I had gone to bed, I overheard her and her sister talking. She confided in her sister that our experiences in the bedroom left much to be desired and how much better things were in the bedroom with her ex-husband. As you might imagine, I was heartbroken. The next day, I confronted her with what I had overheard, and asked her if we should consider an annulment. She basically downplayed the whole thing and told me that it didn’t really matter.
Well, it certainly mattered to me, so I spent hours and hours over the next few months studying everything from female anatomy, “how to” books, and even a few harlequin romance novels in order to improve my performance. Unfortunately, nothing seemed to work. I also asked her what worked for her in the past; tried that too, but it didn’t work.

We’ve been married 8 years now and have only been intimate with each other 3 times in the last 7 years solely for the purpose of having children. We’ve talked to a therapist about our situation and he said that it’s really not that uncommon. Apparently a lot of women who have wild, unbridled affairs with “bad boys” who eventually marry “good boys” simply don’t find the same enjoyment in intimacy. The therapist also said that my feelings of anxiety, inadequacy and retroactive jealousy have probably affected my performance in the bedroom, essentially making my worst fears come true. The therapist also downplayed my retroactive jealousy as immature and juvenile and that I just needed to let it go. I really want to just let it go, I just don’t know how.

So if any one has any words of advice, encouragement, or commiserating personal experiences, I need all the help that I can get.


Charlie

I feel like this thread is a breath of fresh air. My story is similar to many others on here and a lot of what was said has effected me deeply.

I was married in 1992 to the love of my life, and today, 14 years and 4 kids later we are still together and very happy. The feeling of retroactive jealousy for me set in before we were married and by a distinctly different set of circumstances, and to a greater or lesser degree has continued to this day.

My wife and I share deeply help religious beliefs that proclude intimacy before marriage. In fact, we met through religious affiliation and felt that was a very strong basis for a relationship. We had so much in common, common values, common beliefs, interests, and we were just the best of friends before we began to be more than friends that a long-term relationship seemed simply to go without saying. On top of all that, we felt a very strong physical attraction to each other that has remained, for the most part, intact throughout our marriage.

As far as the difference in our past goes, I was raised in a very religious family, with all the support and strong value system that can go with that. My parents, while being very religious, also let me find my own path and never pushed our religion on me. I went to church regularly as a child, since my parents took me, and as an adolescent I was allowed to find my own path. Much less as a result of my religion than the fact that I was decidedly a "late bloomer" I did not date in high school and in fact had some pretty bad experiences talking to girls. My wife was the first girl I kissed for real, and definitely the first I ever did anything more than that with. At the age of 19 I took myself out of the dating scene for a while and did volunteer work for my religion for a couple of years, which is where I met my wife.

Her background was very different from mine. She grew up in a broken home without a solid mother-figure and a father who went from woman to woman throughout my wife's early years (through high school in fact). My wife's identity was in the religious beliefs we both shared and her high school experience, where she found the companionship and acceptance she did not get at home. Being a very attractive, and at the same time virtuous young woman, she received much attention from boys and later men in her life, as they tended to view her as a challenge. She found it very hard to stick to her values due to the type of men she attracted, and she moved from boyfriend to boyfriend, all the time wanting to hold out till marriage to be intimate while also wanting to give in to those urges as she felt that would fill the void in her heart. It did not help that most men she dated were looking for just that, and when she would not "put out" they dumped her and she was left feeling even worse about herself. Eventually, while she was considering also going into volunteer service for our religion, she met someone who did not spurn her attempts to remain a virgin and she let herself go further with him than anyone else, eventually to the point where she gave him her viginity. She immediately realized that that physical love did not fill the space in her heart, and in fact, it made it worse since she felt like she had given up something very precious to her for nothing. That and the fact that he did not share her beliefs or values, made her realize they would never amount to more than a romp in the hay, so she broke it off. They had sex twice in that 4 month period and then she moved to Europe, largely to run away from the dating scene that had been so hard on her for a few years, and that is where we met. A couple of years later, back in America, we got together, found out we had so much in common, and then began to forge a life together.

The jealousy set in for me because she felt she needed whoever she married to know about every detail of her past life. She had been hurt so many times before, when she would go against her value system just to make sure the guy at the moment would not walk away from her, but when she would not go "all the way" they did anyway, that she did not want to make the same mistakes again. She felt that only a man who could know exactly who she was and who she had been and what she had done and still love her would be the only kind of man that would not hurt her. This meant we spent a very uncomfortable (for me for sure, I presume for both of us as well) evening where she bared everything to me...and I do mean everything. I did not ask, but she started with "I feel I am falling in love with you and I do not want to get hurt again, so I need you to know some things..." Then she told me about the men she had been naked with, the men she had experimented with in petting and oral sex, and the man she slept with. She even got into when she first frenched kissed a guy and the first time she was in a shower with a man naked and the first man to touch her boobs and under her underwear. I got details about where it happened, what time of day, how they took each other's clothes off, what it felt like, what she did to them and what they did to her. I was in shock and so I played the part of attentive listener, and, as others on this thread have pointed out, something in human nature pulls us to the controversial, so on some level I wanted to hear it all, but on other levels I wished I could have been anywhere else. I knew if I did not let her finish it would crush her, so I never said a word. She obviously felt horrible about it all and I think it was some kind of catharsis for her to get it all out in the open like that. The problem was, I had never been with anyone. I had never seriously even kissed a girl, let alone been naked with one or in a shower or had my hand down her pants or vice versa or anything. Consequently, I had some ill-concieved overly-romantic naive notions of my wife and I discovering that world together. Now here was the girl of my dreams letting me know that nothing we would ever do together was going to be "just us", that, short of weird stuff like anal or threesomes (which interests neither of us), she had pretty much done everything.

Now don't get me wrong, she was not a "slut", if that denotation is defined by number of partners. I could count the number of men she had been with in some regard (other than french-kissing, which would be a pretty big number) on both hands. I think she had oral sex with 2 or 3 guys, including the one she slept with, and another 2 or 3 she was naked with and maybe 4 or 5 she seriously petted with, some of those obviously repeats. All that in a 5 or 6 year period. Those are definitely not "slut" numbers, just a fairly weak track record for most girls I have come to find out. But for someone who believes that those kind of relations outside of marriage are wrong, and who wants to save herself for marriage, those numbers are huge and it obviously weighed on her a lot.

I understood why she told me, and I took that as a privilege that she would take me inte her confidence like that, but it could not help but weigh on me as well after that. I had hoped that by finding someone with common beliefs we would get to experience all of that stuff together. I knew that most people would have more of a past than I did, and I never once gave it a second thought that my future wife was out there dating and kissing and to some degree being with other men, but I did not anticipate what a gut-check it would be to hear the details and find out what this wonderful person I fell head-over-heels for had done in her past. I knew in my head that it did not matter and that really it all made her who she was, made her the person I fell in love with. And I knew that she did not hold any feelings for any of those men, she hated talking about it, that was clear, and, though she loves her high school reunions and meeting up with old friends, as that represented the best memories she had in her years before we met, she never talks about the old boyfriends now. When the subject comes up, from one of our kids or from old friends of hers, she gladly talks about the proms and some of the dates and some of the people she dated, but she avoids talking about the men she was intimate with. She won't even say their names and changes the subject quickly. She has never brought it up herself again in our marriage, which should have made it all good for me. But it won't leave me in peace.

Because of the way it hit me that night, I have had a very difficult time dealing with it. And even to this day, I still occasionally go through periods where it will not leave me alone. Sometimes it is triggered by her fluctuating sex drive. I know that I am a man (read: constant overwhelming sex-drive) and she is a woman (read: irregular and not-so-strong sex-drive) and that there is a difference there that is probably true for 90% of marriages. I know that most of the time men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love, so when the relationship is stabile, the man still wants sex (as he equtes that with love) and the woman does not need it as much (since she got the love she used sex to get). But I cannot at times help but think that, since she did all that before we were married, she is now bored with it somewhat. It is old hat for her, been there, done that. But for me, being the only woman I have ever known, it has never lost its magic. It may sound corny, but I treat our time together with reverence. I am not a big fan of "quickies". I revel in taking my time and making her feel loved and asking her what she wants. I think every time is as wonderful as the first and 12th times (the other 10 or so I spent learning what the hell I was doing and how to do it without poking her eye out or something). But all too often (so it seems to me sometimes) it is obvious she is "servicing" me and it feels empty of emotion. Although she tries as hard as she can to be accomodating and respond to me, it is obvious she is not into it. Her sex drive is of course lower than mine, but sometimes the thought creeps in that it is all "been there, done that" for her. In some ways it even makes me feel cheated. Those other men took something away that I will never get to know.

Now, we have been together for 14 years, so obviously this crap is all in my head. It is not a constant irritant, it just comes up now and then. Like, maybe I am having a hard time, had a bad string of days at work or whatever, and I really could use her coming on to me to help me feel "manly" or just feel wanted when things are going rough, or for whatever reason, and she is not accomodating, maybe she is having a hard time too. I know this is not a big deal but sometimes I can't help but think "if you had not been with those other guys, you would want me now the way I want you". I know it is stupid and I never tell her when I feel that way. I will not remind her of her past, as I know it causes her pain. And I know it is really a bunch of crap. But it does affect me. I do not know why it will not just leave me alone.

I do not wonder about the size comparisons. She found it really uncomfortable and painful at the beginning, even though we took our time and she was very into it (obvious by her body's reaction....had to change the sheets), and even now after 4 kids she still feels me very well and I her, so I figure it is good enough for size. I do not wonder if he was better than me. She told me enough details to know that when he finally talked her into it he rushed to get it in, left it in long enough to make a mess, and her first impression was that sex hurts, ends in 12 seconds, and must not be meant to feel good. The second time they had sex he pressured her into it, saying "you let me once, and now you tease me and that is not right", stuff like that and she reluctantly laid there while he did his thing, and she said she felt used and dirty afterward. She was very pleasantly surprised to find out after we were married that it was actually fun and pleasurable for the girl, and more. (Can you tell that on that night she gave me a lot of details...far more than I ever wanted to know? I guess the good thing is, she was so open and sincere and wanting me to know the truth, that I know she told me just like it was.) So anyway, I know there are no comparisons to the other guys she was with. She felt used by them all to a greater or lesser degree.

In fact the only concrete affect I know her experiences before we met has on our marriage is oral sex. I love it (giving and receiving), and she enjoys receiving, REFUSES to give. I have never pushed it on her, and she did do it early in our marriage, part of the experimenting thing, but it soon stopped. Now, go back to that night when she told me everything. She detailed a few times when the man she was with, whom she thought would love her and let her remain virtuous, got her in a position where they pushed her to perform oral sex on them and she did not want to, but did anyway for fear of losing them. Because of her experience before we met, she hates it now. She has even told me as much, saying she wants to for me, but cannot bring herself to do it because of the memories. That is something that was taken from me by the pricks (no pun intended) who pushed her into it before. But you know what? It DOES NOT MATTER. Sure I wish that were part of our relationship. And from time to time I gently inquire, hoping to get something mutual going on. But I drop it when she says no, or even when she just balks in her attempt to get into it. I will not hurt her. It does not matter enough to put her through that. But it does not change the fact that I am jealous and angry sometimes at what those bastards took from her, and from me.

But like I said, our relationship is wonderful and I love her more than I can say. I do not know why it still gets to me. I try to tell myself "you are being selfish and insecure", but that does not change the fact that I am horribly jealous now and then of the fact that other men got to be things to my wife that I did not get to be.

I found it very enlightening what e-head said earlier in this thread:

"You think you are selfish and insecure ... ha !

It is not enough for me to be the best all around.

I want to have the biggest penis.
I want to have made love to her the slowest ... the fastest ... the softest ... the hardest ... in the most unusual position ... at the highest altitude ... the lowest ... the strangest location ... in front of the most people ... the most times in one day ... and on and on. And that's just sex.

I want to be the handsomest, the sexiest, have the biggest muscles, the nicest butt.

I want her to love me more than anyone she ever loved before.

I want us to explode with passion and lust and love and merge with the God-head and spend all eternity in a loving sexual embrace.

Maybe I am incredibly insecure, but I would be lying if I said I did not want all these things. I think a lot of others want this too. Hell, maybe it's not even so crazy to want this afterall. What is crazy is if you let it screw up a good thing."

He is so right. That is exactly what you want to be. The knight in shining armor. You want to inspire passion every time she looks at you. He is also right that if you let worrying about it and feeling jealous screw up a good thing, that is when you lose out. I think some of these feeling are natural and normal, but it does not make it any easier to deal with. I like that it was confirmed by others on this thread.

I agree with what draper said, that if you are going to tell, tell them what it meant then and tell them what it means now. It is important to realize that no matter what it meant back then, the one you are with now is more important. If they are not, maybe you should not be with them anyway.

If someone has some advice on how to let it go, plese respond or email me. I love my wife desperately (which might be part of the problem =) and I just want to stop thinking about this shit when she is not "in the mood". I want to let it all go, but it won't let me go. Simply saying that you should just stop thinking about it is not valid. I have actually gone for a year and more where it did not occur to me, never even entered my head. All is bliss. Then something triggers it (her recent 20 year class reunion was the latest trigger) and it bugs me for a few days to a couple months till I am able to push it aside again. But I want it to be gone forever, to never bother me again.

I do not, believe it or not, wish she had never had those experiences. I know this will sound weird, but I know from the events leading up to us meeting that if much had happened different in her life (or mine for that matter) I likely would never have met her or we would not have had the connection we did to start our relationship. Believe it or not, it actually comes down to meeting on one specific day. Since we grew up in different states and are 2 years apart in age, if we had not met on September 6, 1989 I doubt very much we would be together and I cannot bare that thought even for a second. So in some weird way I should be thankful she had the experiences she did, since it delayed her arrival to the very day I got there as well, and now we have an awesome wonderful life together.

Sometimes it is reconciling those 2 things that drives me nuts. I am horribly jealous and at the same time, thankful, that she did these things with these other guys. AAAAarrrgggghhhhh!!

Anyway, it feels good to just get it out. I never have written this down like this before and I guess I know how my wife felt on that night when she let it all out to me. Kind of a deep breath moment. Hopefully this will help me get past it so it does not continue to come up from time to time. Not that I will ever actually forget anything, just that I can know, and it not bother me.

If you read this far, thanks for listening. If you have any advice, post it or email me.

As far as the last guy who posted here. Chocell, don't ask what worked for her in the past. Don't read the latest books. Simply open the lines of communication. Sit down and ask her what she wants from your relationship. Listen to her. Don't pretend you will automatically be able to give her or be for her what she wants righ off the bat. Ask her to guide you in what you do. Make sure you get a baby-sitter and have some time truly alone. Open the lines of intimacy by doing things for her that do not necessarily have sexual overtones. Help get the kids to bed early one night, lead her to the bedroom, put on some soft music, light a candle or two, and give her a slow, relaxing backrub, and leave it at that. Make sure she knows it is a privilege to be with her, no matter what you are doing. Make sure you date each other still. Go out once a week if you can. Do fun things, maybe things you did when you were dating or try something new. TALK TO HER. Not just about family business but about dreams and funny things you heard at work or brief strolls down memory lane. You need to be able to relax around her and she needs to be able to relax around you. Likely you are both pretty uptight about the sex thing, I guarantee it will weigh on her as well as you. Start the courtship over again, and wait for her to come to you. Be patient, be loving, be kind and gentle. Another thing, make sure you are the father to her children that she (and they) want you to be. Be firm and be loving to them. Give them guidance, discipline and be willing to drop what you are doing to read them a book. One of the very best nights of love-making my wife and I ever had came after she had a frazzled day and I sent her to her room (was a challenge...I made her take a bubble-bath), then I made dinner, sat down to read with the kids, helped them clean up the kitche, sat with all 4 of them on the couch watching the simpsons or something, then tucked them each in. She came out and watched me covertly as I laughed with her children, made them feel loved, and showed I was a strong and gentle father.

Then she attacked me and we went at it for a good 2 hours. I have never seen her more passionate.

Good luck and feel free to email me if you need to talk.

Thanks everybody.

Henry

I also feel this is a breath of fresh air. Here is my story. I started dating my wife when we were seniors in High School. She had been with 2 other guys by then (that I know of for sure). One of them was with a good friend of mine at a party. I walked in & caught them. We weren't going out then, but I still liked her.

We started dating soon afterwards. I didn't care much about this kind of thing then, I liked her a lot & I got to have sex with someone. I didn't see much wrong with that.

Then we graduated & I went off to a school some miles away, I wanted to "play the field" so I would come back to her on Friday's, then break up with her by Sunday. To make a long story short, she had sex with 4 of my friends while I was doing this sort of thing. I remember my friends telling me about it.

When our second year of college came around, we became close & never fooled around at all with anybody. We soon married & that was 11 years & 3 kids ago.

I fought this battle by myself for all these years & never told anyone about it, until the other night when I finally let it all out to her. She didn't know what to say & still hasn't really said anything yet. I know if I wouldn't have done the "weekend breakup" thing with her, she would have never been with any of those guys. I can't get the picture of my buddy lying on top of her out of my head, it haunts me constantly. I can't get the thought of her having oral sex with my friends out of my head, it makes me sick. She is a very loving & caring wife & mother now.

Some advice or discussions would help greatfully.

Marc

This is such a helpfull discussion...I always thought I was alone with this problem.There seems to be many people who cant go through a day without this jealosy or anger or frustration coming out.
I am one of them.
Here is my story.I am married to a wonderfull compasionate and vibrant woman.we got married a year and a half ago, and I am now 36 ...she is 3 years younger.I had a few girlfriends through my twenties , but for fear's sake and my strict religous upbringing, never concidered sex with any of them. As much as my mind was consumed with sexual thoughts in general, I did not envy the people who slept with their girlfriends.I always believed they were in the minority, and looked down on girls who were having sex.At that time I blamed the girls because they should know that all a guy wants is to find a willing participant.
Nearing my 30 th birthday my brother in law convinced me I was misslead and missing out.I decided to get intimate with a girl that showed interest in me.8 months later we broke up...My jealosy over her past relationships became too much for her,to mention one reason.I regretted sleaping with her .3 years ago I met my wife.She was everything I always wanted in a woman.After a few months I got her to talk about her past which I figured was no different to mine.She told me about 4 guys starting from when she was 18 years old.2 months later she told me about another 2 guys. Then 2 months ago...a year after we were married she told me about another 3 guys.Each time is a massive shock to me.She said she is not the same person, but I am consumed daily.I want to know all the details , but she is very reluctant to talk about it and gets angry if I bring up the subject . My daily fear is now she will remember more incidences,but I feel bigger fear in that she wont tell me even if she remembers.I feel much better when she opens up and gives me details, but they always come up short of what I want to hear.Our sex life was great to start off with, but I fear my stupid head has got the better of me and now getting turned on is not always easy.I love my wife but cant get a grip on myself.I know the one boyfriend was in her words the only guy who has ever satisfied her completely.Almost every time we talk about trying something new and I ask if shes tried it...she has. I sometimes think she has sex only for my benefit and has lost her sex drive.I feel cheated out and robbed by all the bastards that took away chunks of her soul .What was my wife like as an 18 year old...She cant tell me, or wont.I wish she would regret it , but she doesnt . Says she doesnt want to feel sorry for herself which is exactly what someone said in an earlier thread.I can understand that.Maybe I put sex on too high a pedastil and made it out to be more than it is.If sex was that easy to give ,then maybe its not important...can do without it.Anyway I feel that if she had no problem talking about it..it wouldnt seem like she has secrets.I am in a bad place right now and to get a grip somehow...

Jake

Guys, this thread seems to have grown cold once again but the way that it evolved from the beginning to this point surely amazes me. I found this through a Google search because I have some retroactive jealousy issues as well. I make myself sick sometimes thinking about my wife's past. My problem may just be that my imagination is too good, as I hurt myself needlessly by graphically imagining the sounds and sights of her being with those men in the past. I had been with two prior to her, I was her 20th. I know that it is all my problem. But god it's hard sometimes. (Although she did tell me, and I believe it, I am her best.) Thank you for sharing yourselves with me.

marc

some usefull info on site:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/before-me-my-wife-had-a-real-wild.html

TADALAFIL 20MG

I've never understood the notion of retroactive jealousy: that you can be jealous of people your lover has long finished with. "
I'm not getting this concept either. To me the ex is an ex for a reason, and your SO has already chosen you. Why would you even care about the ex? I know that Hugo doesn't believe me about this, but I just don't get the jealousy concept in general unless the third party is a direct threat to the relationship.

Cynic

Do people have the right to a private AIDS, too?

Ben

Wow, all you people are disgusting.

Insecure? It is virgins and prudent people that this effects most heavily. Trust me, for a virgin to not be hurt by being romantically involved with a regular-or-above-sexed person is, in fact, rare. You have sex with people on an average basis and feel compelled to judge those who don't and what they deal with? Would you judge someone for feeling hurt because they practice monogamy while being with a polyamorous partner?

These people were patient, giving up all sorts of experiences that would mean so much to them, like innocent first time shared experiences, etc, and for nothing but having work against them to give them a sense of dehumanization.

What the f%$& makes any of you think this is a trifle matter that you should blame them for not getting over? It's tremendous.

So insecure? Insecure is the guy that f$%#s girls his whole life because he thinks his self-worth is based on getting laid, and then doesn't have to end up dealing with this crap. Not the guy who is patient in devotion to the one that will be for them. And then you want to invalidate all their patience and experiences they missed out on in their foregoing of them, by saying the past doesn't matter. Don't you f$%#ing dare talk about devotion.

You're just a bunch of Christians that want to be hip. It's no wonder you think god incarnated his son as a man to sacrifice to himself to cancel out the sins from the old testament. If that's what you think of the universe, why should I expect you to have any more rational thoughts on sex?

Shut the F%^& up and dwell on this instead of judging people that deal with one of the hardest things there is, (and all because of their incredible patience)..:
religiosity is correlated to lower intelligence
sexual exclusivity is correlated to higher intelligence
being a virgin longer is correlated to higher intelligence

Ben

I'm sorry, but one comment isn't enough. Assholes like the one who wrote this blog bring up the bile from the back of my neck. You insist that the common value placed on sex is valid and all others are not. You lead a spoiled life and insult people that actually have integrity when it ends up torturing them. You have no idea what sex means to someone who waited their whole life to give it. You spit on their jealousy but find the pain a person who gets cheated on to be completely valid. You are a complete hypocrite, it's just a different value, just as some people don't value that and have open relationships. They could call you insecure for caring. When I was 24 I dated a girl, I had had sex with two people. She had had none. I felt bad, despite her not expressing any significant upset about it, and told her that if she wanted, to go ahead and have sex with a couple guys, because I didn't want any inbalance in the relationnship. How is that insecure? Now that I've had sex, it doesn't quite mean all that it did. It doesn't bother me so heavily if someone has had a couple longish relationships or so.

You want to twist all this crap into your point of view, make a world where prudency is medieval, sexist, rape enabling nonsense and feel you are just so progressive. You'd like to twist the value for that sort of dedication from a deeply emotional thing as it is, into a "fetish", while ignoring the virginity collectors, who go around profoundly ruining peoples lives and future relationship, to whom it really is a fetish. You think you have it all figured out, you think you are so new, radical, hip. But you were steeped in conformity since the day you were born and have no mind of your own, and your Christianity reflects this, despite how ironic you seem to think you are. (no big insult to the nicer Christians, though I may still disagree with you on that topic) You have no integrity and your whore attitude is likely the result of the abandonment of sentimentality, traded for an ego-based mindframe anyways. If I ever see you I'll be happy to spit in your face.

Ben

Where the fuck are you Hugo?

Coward.

And the rest of you parasites, where are you with you projected faults and stupid fucking ideas about insecurity, chauvinism, conservatism?

Ben

I forgot to add Dehumanization, really the best word for half of what I've read here. It's absolutely heartbreaking how rotten you people are, I can't get these comments out of my head with their sheer stupidity, yet looking down as if to be so advanced. And all because you have this childish idea in your mindlessly conforming lifestyles that sex makes you so radical and cool. And in your teenage-style bullshit one-track mindframes, you forgot about the smallest thread of human fucking compassion. How much pot did you smoke before you wrote this, Hugo?

Well?

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