A follow-up on Christians and the "number"

The discussion below yesterday's post has been excellent, and has continued at Amanda's place and at Feministing.  There's a lot to respond to, and doing so is made more difficult by by the very wide variety of viewpoints and experiences from which these comments are coming.  I did want to pick up on this comment from Tony:

Hugo, your addendum seems to be right on target in identifying the problem, but not enough in solving it. Our culture puts virginity - especially female virginity - on a pedestal. It supposedly means they're morally superior, love you more, will feel better in bed, etc. And Christian social conservatism has a lot to answer for in maintaining this meme (although of course not creating it).

I'm glad you personally feel that people shouldn't get to judge others for not being a virgin, but do you think that the populace at large can reconcile "being a virgin is better" with "if your partner was promiscuous, it doesn't matter"? Your recent posts on the diversity of homophobes or on how thoughts of lust and violence can be similarly sinful to acts of lust and violence, show that you understand how hard it is to maintain nuances like this on a grand societal scale. As long as we fetishize virginity (no matter how good our reason for doing so), "the number" will be a way men have of value-ing women.

Here's where Christians have to do a very delicate dance.  On the one hand, we are called to give a witness about what sexuality ought to mean.  We are called to insist that sexuality is properly expressed in an atmosphere of enduring commitment, trust, and a mutual willingness to accept all of the emotional and physical consequences of the sexual act.  For most Christians, that means proclaiming that marital sex is the ideal, and perhaps only, licit form of sex with another human being.

But that doesn't mean we Christians have to "fetishize" virginity, though Lord knows, some of my fellow believers have done just that.   We have to make it clear that it isn't Christian to say that virgins are "better" than other folks.  Even if you regard all pre-marital sex as sinful (a position I am unwilling to take), that doesn't mean that a virgin is any more "pure" in a biblical sense.  After all, in a proper Christian understanding, we are all sinners, all fragile, and all -- in the ultimate sense -- equally in need of forgiveness.  One can be sexually innocent and have plenty of other sins to account for, after all.

When I read Scripture, I rarely get the sense that Jesus is asking me "Hugo, who have you been?  What have you done in the past, and with whom have you done it?"  Rather, I get the strong sense that He is asking, "Hugo, do you love me?  Hugo, will you feed my lambs?"   The focus of the Christian life is how we live today, right now.  Do I feel myself to be a lesser Christian because I have three divorces and a colorful private history?  Of course not.  I've asked for forgiveness, and been granted it by a God whom I believe grants it instantly and without hesitation, a thousand times over if need be.  (And in my case, it needed be!)

Though Christians can continue to advance a standard of sexual morality that is at odds with some elements of the culture, they can do so without belittling, shaming, or condemning those who, in past or present, choose to live by a different standard.    Most Christians have learned how to practice ecumenical dialogue with grace and warmth, figuring out how to talk to those who believe differently without condemning them.  We've got to apply the same tactics we use in interreligious dialogue to our conversations with those whose sexual mores differ from what we believe to be the ideal.  And when dealing with the countless Christians who fall short of their own ideal, we can respond with love and encouragement and nary a word of condemnation.

This past Sunday, we marked the feast day of Mary Magdalene.  No, most modern biblical scholars see no evidence that the Magdalene was a prostitute.  But the slim evidence that surrounds her, as well as centuries of tradition, suggest that she was one of the many women around Jesus with less than a stellar reputation.  Like the five-times married and divorced Samaritan woman at the well, Magdalene was, in the broadest sense of the modern slur, a woman whom the community would have probably called a "slut."  Jesus' radical acceptance of Magdalene, and her devotion to Him, form one of the most moving parts of the Gospels.  It is that radical acceptance that ought to characterize the Christian approach to those who sexual behavior is at odds with what society deems acceptable.  While we can continue to point to an ideal, we can do so without condemning those who fall short and without making idols out of those who adhere to the call to chastity.

My computer is going back into the shop tomorrow; posting will be intermittent for a time.

Comments

[Chip]

Hugo, you're right on the money that a virgin is no better than anyone else because of the myriad ways in which we sin. None of us are pure.

At the same time, however, marriage is a symbol of Christ and the Church. I think that in that analogy, we do see virginity exalted: Jesus was totally pure in wooing His bride, the Church, even though the Church is spotted and stained with many lovers. So while every human being is guilty of sinning before God, virginity is still a model upheld for us. With the picture of Christ and the Church that Scripture gives us, even though we are sinners, how can God's desire for us be any less than waiting until marriage?

Peace of Christ,
Chip

[BetaCandy]

You're offering a very balanced view. The problem is, people have to be okay with themselves before they can be okay with someone else. I believe every act of judgment against another person is really a judgment against yourself - your way of coping with your own insecurities and inadequacies. And I say that as someone who used to be very judgmental, and still catches herself thinking that way frequently. (The difference is, now when I start to judge someone, I almost always remember to ask myself what it is about me that I'm really judging.)

[alex]

The issue is not whether disapproval is placed on premarital sex, but rather how some people place a weight on it that is entirely out of proportion with the "offense".

Should we all aim for the highest standards? Oh yes.

Are we all going to miss? Well, pretty much.

And there's lots worse sins out there than sex. Lots.