More on older men and younger women, a long response to "Kate"

I got a very interesting e-mail last week from a young woman whom I'll call "Kate" (not her real name):

I am 17 years old...and I googled "Older Men, Younger Women" because I am attracted to older men and I feel alone in my peer group (despite my many good friends and wonderful family). I was thankful to find your post. So many things you touched on are things that I feel. But I also felt abnormal and ridiculous for having the feelings I do. Although I am young, I suppose am one of those girls you described, "...those who appear outwardly fully adult may still be in need of our care and protection." I am in every way mature. I feel more comfortable with adults than I do with my own peers thus the need for more attention from the more mature male. Having said that, I want you to know, I am a good girl. I know right from wrong...and these attractions I have for older men always stay platonic----mostly because I'm attracted to the men who are safe. But sometimes it pains me because I feel like I'm building such awesome relationships that when I become legal, or more eligible to date older men, they won't see me like that. At that point, I get upset and I feel so rejected before anything even began. This usually happens in the school atmosphere because there are many male teachers. So many of them seem wonderful because of the teenage boy scum I go to school with. You touched on that too--the obvious attraction girls have because the older male is (hopefully) well spoken and has a wealth of knowledge and experience...verses the teenage male who is not any of those things.

I hope this e-mail makes sense...it's so late and I am confused by my feelings. My mother knows how I feel about older men--and she said she expected it because I am so mature mentally, emotionally and yes...physically. I want to be seen and appreciated by men...and for the most part I am--and I have been for a long time. It is getting to the point, however, when I want things to progress and they just can't. Then I don't know how to behave and I just want to crawl out of the hole they call high school and just exist in this world without my age tattooed on my forehead.

Anyway, as much as your post made me feel slightly exposed, it was comforting because you seem to know the inner-working of the young female mind. So, thank you for that. And if you could extend some advice or something, I would appreciate it. I apologize if this is scatter brained...again, it's late, and I'm a bit nervous e-mailing someone and pouring out all these intimate details---but I wouldn't have done it if I thought couldn't help me sort things out a bit.

I asked Kate if I could respond via a post, and I'm afraid I haven't heard back from her.  Given that her e-mail contains nothing that could identify her, I'm going to assume it's okay to respond publicly.

I just checked on Google, and this post is the #8 ranked site for the query "older men, younger women."  Who knew?

Kate's e-mail really challenged me.  In that January post, I laid out what I believe is a fairly compelling argument for older men to avoid romantic and sexual relationships with much younger women.  I was fairly clear that I wasn't worried about women in their thirties dating men in their fifties; I was more concerned about young women in their late teens and early twenties dating men eight or more years older than themselves. 

But yet, where does that caution leave the Kates of the world?  If I can take Kate at her word, she's an unusually mature teenager.  She's still got plenty of growing up to do, as even the most sophisticated of youth do, but she's probably right when she says that she's significantly ahead of many of her peers.  Obviously, she's still a minor, and she recognizes that she's not yet "legal".  But next year, when she's 18?  What then?  If all older men scrupulously avoid dating young women Kate's age, whom is Kate supposed to date who meets her intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and yes, physical needs? I don't think all teenage boys are "scum", mind you.  (My men's rights advocate critics might suspect that I harbor that conviction).  But I'm aware that many young women, like Kate, mature at a much faster rate than their male peers.  It's going to be difficult for her to find a real equal among young men her age, and I'd be giving her unrealistic advice if I told her that there were large numbers of mature, sensible, emotionally grounded and wise 18 year-old men running around.  That doesn't mean that such fellas don't exist, just that they aren't plentiful!

I think there's a colossal difference between an 18 year-old woman dating, say, a 30-something man she met at church or through friends and dating a 30-something teacher.  Leaving aside the question of professional ethics (something that the teacher ought never leave aside), a relationship that begins with an obvious asymmetry in terms of direct power is, I think, almost always a profoundly unhealthy experience for both parties involved.   But if Kate (once she's 18) wants to date an older man who has no direct responsibility for her academic development or emotional well-being, what then?  Does an age gap of ten, twelve, even twenty years or more inherently constitute an unhealthily asymmetrical relationship in terms of power?  Frankly, I think it depends entirely on the two people involved, simply because I know too well just how different  18 year-olds (and some 35 year-olds, for that matter) are from each other.  A hard and fast rule, as it were, simply won't suffice.

Here's a section of what I wrote in January:

If I were to flirt back, or if I were to date a student, I am convinced I would send a devastating message about  what older men "really" want.   Young women need older men in their lives who will respect and care about them, who aren't their fathers or brothers but who aren't prospective lovers, either.  They need to know that they bring more to the table than their sexuality.  They need to be seen as complete human beings.  Paradoxically, seeing young women as complete human beings means that in actions, words, and yes, even in thought, older men cannot see them as objects of sexual desire.  That doesn't mean that we (older guys) shouldn't acknowledge that younger women are sexual creatures.  But we must (and the burden is on us alone here, fellas) love them with radical unselfishness,and that requires that we ourselves always refrain from sexualizing them. 

I still stand by that.  But I wrote those words not just as a man in his late thirties, but as a teacher and a youth worker.  I see teenagers and young adults through the eyes of my profession and my avocation.  I've known for years that I was called to work with young people, and as a result, I value my role as a mentor and (sometimes) a "father figure".  In my work as a professor and church group leader, it's absolutely vital that I never, ever, sexualize the young women with whom I work.  It's essential that I keep firm boundaries in place, the kind that allow young people to trust me.

But in my customary enthusiasm, I took a code of ethics that applies to me personally (and one I had to grow into) and offered it up as a standard for all "older men."  Obviously, most men my age don't do the work I do.  Most men in their thirties and forties don't spend both their days (and often, their nights and weekends) with teenagers and young adults to whom they aren't related.  And I'm not sure it's reasonable to ask all men to refrain from exploring romantic relationships with women who are significantly younger.  And Kate's letter reminds me that it's even more unreasonable to ask all young women (provided they are legally adults) only to date men who are no more than five years older than themselves.

I've seen many, many disastrous relationships between young women and much older men.  But to be honest, I've also seen a few such relationships that were marvelous, sparkling, honest, mutually rewarding, and long-lasting.  I think such relationships are uncommon, often because so many of the older men who do date much younger women are struggling with their own issues, issues that an older woman would challenge them to confront but a younger girl might not recognize.  And of course, more than a few young women do have unresolved issues with their fathers that they seek to play out in a relationship with an older man.

But these are generalities that do not apply in every instance, as Kate (and others) have reminded me in the months since my post on the subject.  So, to conclude this long post, here's the best advice I can give to Kate:

I understand that it's not easy to be where you are, caught between adolescence and adulthood.  17 is rarely easy for the bright, the gifted, the mature, the one who isn't thrilled by all that high school society has to offer!  It's natural and normal to want to be seen and appreciated by men, and to be appreciated for all that you have to give.  Please know that your teachers, if they love their profession and genuinely care about you, ought not only not act on any feelings they may develop for you, they ought not even make you aware of them.  That's not about infantilizing you, it's about honoring the very special

trust that ought to exist between a teaching professional who loves teens and the students who rely upon him.

But Kate, I do think it's possible that in the years to come, you will find older men to date who aren't in a position of responsibilty towards you.  Honestly, you're right:  all things considered, men who are a decade or more your senior will likely be able to offer you things that your male peers cannot.  You're not wrong to want those things, and I don't think that all older men will be "bad" for wanting to give them to you.  Yes, I've seen a few -- a very few but a few -- healthy, loving, supportive relationships between young women just about your age and men substantially older.  Such relationships are rare, but not unheard of. 

Kate, I don't know you.  But I can tell you I've known a few young women who've said things very similar to what you've said.   And I know that in the end, what many of them really wanted from older men was not a sexual or romantic relationship, but validation and recognition and attention.  In our highly sexualized culture, however, they couldn't believe that a man would really love them and care for them unconditionally unless they could offer him something sexual or romantic in return.  They shortchanged themselves, and sadly, they found older men who reinforced the notion that their sexuality was the most valuable thing they had to offer.  I don't know if that's what's going on with you.

Adults always tell teens to be patient, and teens get tired of hearing it.  But if I can give you a piece of advice, it is to be patient just a while longer.  Let whatever boundaries you have in place that have served you well stay in place just a little bit longer.  Keep those boundaries in place especially with the men who have a sworn (even sacred) responsibility to care for you as your teachers and mentors.  There's nothing wrong with wanting.  But there's much to be gained by waiting, just a little longer, before "taking the next step" with anyone, especially someone considerably older than yourself.  Once you become a legal adult, and (perhaps) are in college, you will begin to meet many different men who will be unlike those you knew in high school.  You might even find someone closer to your age who does share your interests and your passions.  Stranger things have happened.

I wish I had a magic bullet to make this growing up process easier for you.  I know it's frustrating and confusing as hell.  But it's my hope that the older men in your life today will continue to be loving, wise guides through that process, and at your age, that's all that they ought to be.

Please take care.

Comments

[Tish G]

Wonderful response to Kate, Hugo.

One thing that is often overlooked with young women is a tendancy to overstate their emotional maturity. It often *appears* to young women such as Kate that they are more mature--and there are many reasons for that, including good or very bad parenting, early physical maturity, and the like.

But, psychologically, we mature at certain rates (I believe it was Eric Ericson (sp?) that detailed it quite succinctly) and while there is a bit of wiggle room on either side of the scale, I don't think many of us are prodigies of emotional maturity that could adequately justify a man in his 30's or late 20's dating someone 17.

Be that as it may, Kate, in general, is in an extremely awkward period in her life where boys look like fools and men look better but probably aren't. There are, though the guys in between whom she probably has not come in contact with because she is not in their social group. And, as you noted, that will probably come in college (where many things change and many people discover they weren't as mature as they thought).

The role of older men to teen girls is often as guides and mentors. As young women gain in maturity and into their 20's (and I'm talking past 21) the relationship can shift, but is, in many instances, still a minefield. Male midlife crisis can be the cause in that instance more than female immaturity :-)

[ms. b]

I don't think many of us are prodigies of emotional maturity that could adequately justify a man in his 30's or late 20's dating someone 17

This is where I differed from Hugo in the original posting, and it's something I still firmly feel now; despite my own two-year relationship with a man nearly ten years older than me having broken down in the meantime, (I'm 18, he's 27) I haven't stopped believing that some young women are emotionally mature enough to handle, and gain from, relationships with older men. The worst relationships I've had in terms of emotional problems have been with guys nearer to my own age, and although I'm now dating someone slightly younger than me, it is rare I find people I can connect with within my peer group.

I guess I'm a Kate, but the issue of being a minor was never a problem, what with the age of consent being 16 here in the UK, and my parents being quite accepting of my taste in older men as normal.

[Emily H.]

It is very hard to spend half an hour in a high school cafeteria and not feel as if you're the most mature person there. As a teenager I always thought myself extremely mature (but with no interest in older men--I was basically asexual) but came to realize two things as I actually did become mature. First of all, that mature for a 17-year-old isn't really very mature in the grand scheme of things. Second of all, that I see my own rich and complex interior life and the superficial exterior lives of everyone else NOT because I'm more mature than other people, but because I'm not a telepath and can't see what lies below the surface in the people cursing at each other in the lunch line.

If I can think, "My God, I was such an IDIOT a few years ago!", and I usually can, I have no reason to believe the same won't be true in retrospect a few years from now.

[Hugo]

Thanks, all. Ms. B., you are one of the reasons I amended my stance to recognize that in some instances, the relationships such as your previous one can be healthy for all involved. But that doesn't vitiate the general warnings...

[Jeff]

One thing that is often overlooked with young women is a tendancy to overstate their emotional maturity. It often *appears* to young women such as Kate that they are more mature--and there are many reasons for that, including good or very bad parenting, early physical maturity, and the like.

I think gender roles play a part in this as well - boys are encouraged to act in ways we more readily recognize as immature. (There's also the fact that gaining the attention of older men often gets interpreted as "maturity.")

[Caitriona]

Jeff,

It seems that often, young people in general are encouraged to act with much less maturity than was acceptable in the past. Then suddenly, they are out on their own without guidelines and without the foundational experience to help them make their way.

[Amanda]

One thing that is often overlooked with young women is a tendancy to overstate their emotional maturity. It often *appears* to young women such as Kate that they are more mature--and there are many reasons for that, including good or very bad parenting, early physical maturity, and the like.

One signal that this is the case is when young women who date older men don't show any signa that they have carefully considered that most men who date much younger women have very bad intentions.

[dave paisley]

Well said Hugh, and commenters (esp. Emily). "Kate" doesn't come across in writing as mature as she thinks she is, and I think it's important to see that. Whining about how mature one is is a distinct contra-indication.

Just to throw in an observation about the differences between the UK and the US (having grown up in the former and worked with youth for 20 years in the latter) - in the UK, high school ends for the majority at age 16 and so the transition to "normal" life begins a bit sooner.

In the US, not only are all high school students required to stay until 18, but the environment is more intensely isolated from society in general (for example, the US school buses and varsity sports, etc.), which I'm sure leads to frustration for those who outgrow it early. (Fortunately, alternative schools and running start programs have helped many teens I know.)

I'm sure Kate will find her frustrations greatly eased when she gets out of the high school fishbowl and goes off to college.

[Amanda]

Also, the age gap is not so much the problem I have with these situations as the fact that it's a teenager and a man that has been through the process of becoming an adult. Like I tell my boyfriend, had we met when I was 18 and he 23, it wouldn't have worked. But as we met when I had become a full, job-having, rent-paying adult, the age difference is slight and meaningless.

[cija]

On the one hand, of course 'Kate' needs to figure out that every seventeen-year-old in the history of the world has believed she is special and different and mature and alone in a lonely world, and most of their mothers will agree that they are special and unique snowflakes (good god, does she expect her mother to explain to her that she's just like ever other teenager? It's the rare mother who'll do that.) Refusing to face your own ordinariness is the surest sign of immaturity I know.

The second surest sign of immaturity is the inability to come to terms with the necessity of waiting for things. Yeah, high school is hell - when you're fourteen and the future stretches out interminably before you. But she's seventeen; one more year and she never has to see or speak to any of those people ever again: that's real freedom, the kind you can't get from fucking a thirty-year-old.

On the other hand, there's no better way in the world to get rid of the older man mystique (the daddy complex, the queen bee syndrome - whatever your personal thing may be) - than by dating one. It won't kill you, it won't last too long, and you'll come out of it sadder, but wiser. But it'll kill your fantasies dead, and it sounds like 'Kate' gets a lot of pleasure out of hers - more than she'll get, I all but guarantee, out of dating some desperate flatterer who adores 'maturity' in teenagers but for some strange reason finds it less appealing in thirty-somethings.

Go ahead and indulge yourself if you must, Kate, but whatever else you do with the older men, don't take them too seriously. You'll be using them for your own personal growth and self-esteem, but they can handle it, and don't let them guilt you into believing otherwise. (And try to consider how it is that they're able to see the maturity and depth in a seventeen-year old while you, so mature, so wise, haven't figured out how to do that yourself with your male peers.)

[Teri]

Hugo,
This is exactly the type of response I expected from you. You are very predictable!

[Joel]

Girls like Kate are obviously a fairly uncommon breed of highschool girl.

Most of the girls I come into contact with from class to class care more about their prom plans or perhaps the newest pop star. While this is widely generalized about highschool girls, sadly it's also the norm.

I think the fact that "kate" is thoughtful of her feelings towards older men, and her awarness that such feelings deserve thought, illustrates her maturity above those of her peers.

But I have to agree though, she probably still does have a lot of growing up to do, despite her above average maturity now.

For now at least, I think Kate should stay with the friends who love her. While these pals of hers might not understand everything that's going on inside that crazy little head of hers, they appreciate her largely *because* of her individuality.

Especially the asian friends.
"Kate", I love you.

[Hugo]

Let's be clear, folks, if you think you "know" who "Kate" is, you don't. You may know someone like her, however.

[Mark]

Let's be clear, folks, if you think you "know" who "Kate" is, you don't.

And you know this, how, Hugoboy?

[Amanda Marcotte]

On the other hand, there's no better way in the world to get rid of the older man mystique (the daddy complex, the queen bee syndrome - whatever your personal thing may be) - than by dating one. It won't kill you, it won't last too long, and you'll come out of it sadder, but wiser. But it'll kill your fantasies dead, and it sounds like 'Kate' gets a lot of pleasure out of hers - more than she'll get, I all but guarantee, out of dating some desperate flatterer who adores 'maturity' in teenagers but for some strange reason finds it less appealing in thirty-somethings.

*clap clap* Fantastic comment--right to the heart of the matter. The guy who seems amazingly mature when you're 18 could very well look like a loser who couldn't handle grown women when you're looking back from 30.

[Marianne]

For what it's worth, also, Kate may find men her own age who are (or at least comfortably seem to be, which can be more important) much more mature than the average teenage boy. When I was in high school, I dated a fellow teenager who, though younger than I, was very adult in his likes/dislikes/communication patterns/ways of treating a lover/etc. More so than any of my age mates in college, more so than my very lovable and quite grown-up-where-it-counts husband, for that matter.

So she can get that safe, adult male, psychologically-restorative experience without having to date people who are *chronologically* so much older... of course, I don't happen to have a problem with May-December relationships, in either direction, anyway.

Just saying that not every teenage boy is really such a boy as all that.

[Keri]

Hugo, I'm obviously biased, but I think your revised stance on this issue is far more reasonable and fair than your old one. I was bothered by your original dismissal of the differences between a teacher-student relationship and a relationship between two people of different ages who meet on neutral ground, and I'm glad that you're now acknowledging them. I do agree that it's necessary to approach these situations carefully, and in many cases they have the potential to be unhealthy and harmful, but thank you for allowing for the exceptions to the rule.

I guess I was one of the Kates of the world several years ago, particularly in terms of peer relationships. In my case, it wasn't entirely "maturity" that was the issue (though that was a factor), but the fact that I had (and still have) next to nothing in common with most of my peers. I couldn't care less what happened on The O.C. last night, I don't follow sports, and getting drunk just for the sake of getting drunk isn't really my idea of a good time-- that eliminates most of the people I come in contact with on a regular basis right there. Even the people I relate to well enough to be friends with haven't heard of or don't like half of the hobbies/music/movies/books/etc. I'm into. When I finally found someone who had enough in common with me to share in my life and activities to the extent that I really needed in a partner, he happened to be eight years older than me (and I was 18, so the law wasn't an issue). It's worked out beautifully so far, and I understand that part of the reason for that is that both of us were and are somewhat atypical among our age groups; our lifestyles and plans for the future were more in synch than the stereotypical "teenage girl who lives in a college dorm and wants to go to parties and date casually"/"twenty-something man who has an established career and wants to settle down and have kids." I could understand how a relationship with the same age gap might be a disaster between personalities like that, but if we could be an exception to the rule, so could others.

In any case, I'm a bit annoyed at the implication that any young woman who can't connect with a man her age just isn't trying hard enough. Believe me, I tried. (And the comment about men who date younger women "finding maturity in thirty-somethings less appealing" is quite a misunderstanding of all but the sleaziest of these relationships, I think. Perhaps if maturity was the only thing one looks for in a partner, that might be accurate, but it certainly isn't. Don't you think it's possible that, given a younger woman and an older woman who are both sufficiently mature, the younger woman might be more appealing to a particular man than the older for reasons unrelated to her age? As Hugo pointed out, individuals cannot be reduced to numbers, and not all relationships with age differences have the age difference as the sole or main basis of the relationship-- a lot of people get together with younger/older partners not because of the potential power imbalance, but because they're honestly attracted to and compatible with someone who happens to be younger/older. These healthy relationships just don't get as much press, because there's less reason to call attention to the age difference if it isn't causing problems.)

[Sarah Dylan Breuer]

Not that there's any such thing, but I'm not an objective observer. I worry about my peers in their thirties who date men in the fifties or older. If a man can't manage to grow up in thirty or forty years, why should anyone expect that he would in fifty? Among adolescents, my experience as a youth minister reinforces what we all hear: that young women of eleven or twelve or thirteen are capable of much more maturity than boys the same age. But at some point, guys, it's time to grow up ... and my subjective impression of men of fifty or older who date women in their early thirties or younger is that the men are dating the younger women more to prove that they (the men) are still "young" -- i.e., that they can still attract women who are more physically attractive than they are, and that their male friends will envy -- than because the partnership is really in any way equal.

Age different doesn't automatically mean that a relationship is awful, but I'd say that a man of fifty who can't find a partner he loves who's anywhere near his age is proclaiming his own immaturity. And meeting a partner through church is hardly a guarantee that it's spiritual priorities that are primary in the relationship. I know far too many people of all sexes and sexualities who have used churches as "meet/meat markets" to think otherwise.

Blessings,

Dylan

[Tish G]

Don't you think it's possible that, given a younger woman and an older woman who are both sufficiently mature, the younger woman might be more appealing to a particular man than the older for reasons unrelated to her age?

Usually, the difference is a more nubile, fit body.

Men are visual, and sometimes the visual wins out over the chronological or the psychological (as I've noticed dating over the age of 40)

Also, people (because this applies to men and women)sometimes have trouble being around others their own age because of a mortality thing or a social thing. Someone younger keeps him/her feeling younger, or is in the same social circle and an easier fit than someone the same age. Someone around the same age could also be a reminder of one's mortality.

But another prejudice that is often used by individuals who choose to date younger people is the assumption that the younger person has "no baggage" and will be "less complicated." Which, when you think about it is rather silly. The baggage may be a bit lighter and the complications more commonplace, but everybody has baggage and nobody's *that* simple.

[Keri]

Tish, I think you missed the reasons unrelated to her age part of my comment. I was referring to traits like common interests, a similar worldview, sense of humor, intelligence, kindness-- traits that can exist independent of age and in which a particular younger woman could easily have an advantage over a particular older woman (or vice versa, for that matter, but the implication seemed to be that a younger woman couldn't possibly have anything to offer an older man in a relationship other than ease of manipulation, so that's what I was trying to refute).

I think the "men are visual" thing is largely a myth, perpetuated by the socialization which encourages men and discourages women from expressing visual attraction (and the men who use it to justify shallow and dehumanizing behavior don't help either). And your association of "young" with "nubile and fit" is downright laughable to me, seeing as there are probably countless women in their late twenties or thirties who are far more "nubile and fit" than I am. Obviously any older man who would be interested in me must have other priorities.

[Hugo]

Keri, you were one of the many people who took me to task after my first post. I didn't agree with all your criticisms, but I heard you and your experience -- and when I got Kate's email, what you had said in the past factored into my response.

Dylan, you're right -- churches are no guarantee of healthy relationships!

[mythago]

Someone younger keeps him/her feeling younger

I've heard this referred to as "bathing in the blood of virgins"...

As Hugo says, we have to let younger women make their own choices, and sometimes they are right in those choices. But, as others have pointed out, the age gap looks way different from the older side.

[Tish G]

Keri...

I was being slightly facetious with the nubile body comment. should have done this ;-)

"Nubile" can also mean "youthful." There is a great difference between the youthfulness of a teen-age body and the youthfulness of a 20-something body.

be that as it may, I tend to disagree with your supposition that the "men are visual" thing is largely a myth. There have been many studies that show this to be true. As there have been studies that show that women also have a visual componenet to attraction, but it functions differently than it does in men, and is often not the primary factor in attraction (strangely, scent seems to th more important attraction factor for women than men--there have been studies to this effect).

Also, consider the difficulties many "fat" women have in dating....and how many magazines constantly focus on how women should lose weight to be more "attractive." It isn't nec. to sell diet programs, as this piece of advice has been around since the days of the Gibson Girl.

Since I don't know you, Keri, I can't really comment on why an older man might be attracted to you....or the type and kind of older man who is attracted to you.

And, too, depends on the barometer of "older".

Often, people want to think that biology, or "hard wiring" has absolutely nothing to do with how we behave and the decisions we make regarding attraction. It seems to be a huge faux pas in many liberal cicles to say so. Which I do not understand. Biology is a component of attraction, whether we want to believe it or not. In re-reading "The Road Less Travelled," a highly-touted piece of popular on love and relationship psychology, there is a very cogent discussion on how biology as much as psychology tricks us into thinking we are "in love." Seeing how love has played out in my own life, and in the lives of friends over the past 25 years, I can see that there is great truth to this, as the reasons and motives for "falling in love" change as one gets older.

[Mr. Bad]

Keri said: Tish, I think you missed the reasons unrelated to her age part of my comment. I was referring to traits like common interests, a similar worldview, sense of humor, intelligence, kindness-- traits that can exist independent of age and in which a particular younger woman could easily have an advantage over a particular older woman (or vice versa, for that matter, but the implication seemed to be that a younger woman couldn't possibly have anything to offer an older man in a relationship other than ease of manipulation, so that's what I was trying to refute).

Keri, I mostly agree with you take on this issue but just want to point out that even the traits you list above are influenced by age and life experience. While they may not be as directly linked as skin tone, etc., they certainly develop and mature over time.

I also think that biology plays an important role, and like Tish, have read the studies that support a prominent biological role in romantic attraction. Try as we might to ignore her, Mother Nature is a powerful force in our lives. Therefore, I see it as quite natural for older men to be attracted to and seek out younger, more fertile females. Toss in the reality that younger women are not as likely to be as jaded and cynical about men as their older counterparts are, in turn making them more pleasant to be around and spend time with, and IMO older men persuing younger women becomes a no-brainer. And finally, relating to this, I categorically reject the steretoype thrown about by some here that all such men are lechers and exploiters. Perhaps they just want to spend time with someone who treats them kindly, and who doesn't view them with suspicion and as some kind of potential adversary. I've heard this sentiment from other men quite often when discussing male/female relationships.

[Jeff]

One thing I've noticed is that large age gaps in relationships tend to be more common within smaller "subcultures" (loosely defined as anything that people use for group identification - religions, lifestyle choices, activities, etc.). I think this is probably for two reasons - first, if membership in a subculture is an important criteria for choosing a partner, as it often is, then the range of potential matches is restricted, and the likelihood that someone compatible will be found within a narrow age range is less. Second, many of these "subcultures" afford people of different ages the opportunity to interact as peers, something that's rare in the general culture (where the only interactions one tends to have with people of differing ages involve power dynamics - teacher/student, boss/employee, guardian/ward, etc.).

I'm not saying there aren't ever problematic relationships in these subcultures, but I'm be more inclined to give the benefit of the doubt to the couples I know with age differences who met this way.