Wrapping up "Sex, All Saints Style"

Last night, we had our fourth and final evening of "Sex, All Saints Style" with our kids at youth group.  Again, our turnout was high, which was very gratifying.

Our topic for this final week was "sex and spirituality."  Of course, as far as we're concerned, all of the material that we've presented over the past three sessions has had a spiritual dimension.  But last night, we wanted to probe a little deeper with our teens.  We began by asking them a question:  "What do you think is the spiritual meaning of sex?"  They were quiet.  A group that a week or two ago had blithely and cheerfully talked about oral sex was -- predictably -- stumped by a question that asked them to reflect on something relatively profound.  After a few minutes, a few brave souls began to volunteer:  "Sex is designed to help us draw closer to another person."  "Sex is a symbol of complete unity with the one you love".

We praised their answers, and then took a break to show them a short film.  The Nooma project is a series of short (10-11 minute) and recent (2002) films by Christian evangelist Rob Bell.  We showed the second film in the series, "Flame".  In it, Bell slowly drives and walks towards an enormous pile of wood, which he will eventually set alight, all the while talking about the various Hebrew words for love and sex.  (A transcript, with pictures, is available in a PDF file here.) The language is non-judgmental; Bell never explicitly says "Don't have sex outside of marriage."   He does say, quite clearly and compellingly, that God intended sex to be extraordinary, and he intended sex to be a union of not only two bodies, but of all three kinds of love that the Old Testament speaks of:  "raya" (strong friendship), "ahava" (enduring commitment), "dod" (sexual passion).   

Our kids watched with interest, but some were clearly uncomfortable.  A couple of the older girls remarked that what Bell was talking about was not the way sex had to be for young people.  While Bell's video suggests that "dod" (the syllable is long, apparently, rhymes with "load") ought to be built on a foundation of "raya" and "ahava", a couple of our teens suggested that a relationship that began with "dod" could eventually blossom into one with the other qualities.  They insisted that it was perfectly possible, even common, for high-school relationships to begin with "hook-ups" and prosper into lasting, loving, commitments.  Other kids disagreed, as did some of the adults, and for a moment, we were in danger of sinking into the wretched world of warring anecdotes.

Fortunately, we pulled out of that trap.  We were able to address a very common adolescent misconception, however: the notion that experience is the best teacher.  Several of the kids talked about the importance (one even used the phrase "spiritual importance") of having lots of sexual experience in order to grow as a person.  It's a common modern argument, and one I've addressed at length in this old post.    We pointed out to the kids that there's no evidence that those who are promiscuous as youth have more successful relationships as adults, something one would expect to find if "experience" really were that salutatory.  Drawing on my own experience I reminded them of something I wrote in that December post:

In a different context, Yeats remarked that "too much suffering makes a stone of the heart."  He was right.  It has taken so much work for me to heal the literal and figurative scar tissue from unnecessary injuries I inflicted on myself.  The more I "did", the less I cared about those around me. Whatever little compassion or tenderness you see in me was and is a gift from God, not the consequence of living too much and too hard.

I actually got a bit emotional as I talked about getting ready for what will be my fourth marriage.  I told the kids that not only had I had to do a colossal amount of work to overcome the self-inflicted wounds of my past, but I've also had to ask my fiancee to cope with the prospect of Hugo being her first husband -- and she becoming his fourth wife.  Only a remarkably trusting, forgiving, and spiritually strong woman of God would be willing to take me on, with all my baggage!  (And believe me, I've worked hard to dump as much of that baggage as humanly possible, and with God's grace, my hard work, and my fiancee's support, miracles have happened there.)   

On this subject, I briefly told the kids about my friend "Mike."  Mike and I are the same age.  We're "gym buddies"  and fellow marathoners/ultra-runners, and I've known him for years.  Mike has been married to the same woman for over two decades.  He and his wife gave each other their virginity all those years ago, and have remained faithful ever since.  Mike and I have compared notes over the years.  We don't talk much in terms of vulgar details, but we do share a mutual fascination with each other's lives, because our experiences have been so different.  And though Mike might be a bit titillated by the details of my past, he wouldn't trade places with me for anything.  I, on the other hand, am deeply envious of Mike.  I accept my past for what it is, I don't shame it.  But I also know that when it comes to the tools of adult living, when it comes to knowing what makes a marriage work, Mike knows a hell of a lot more than I do.  His different experiences with one woman trump all of my past identical experiences with different women.  Only now, as I move towards marriage with my amazing, challenging, patient and persistent fiancee, am I getting a glimpse of what Mike has known for a long time.  The kids were very silent as I told them this, but I could see their faces -- and I'd like to believe some of what I was saying sunk in.

Ultimately, we brought the conversation back to God.  (Some of my readers are most relieved to learn that!)  Though the youth leaders openly -- and lovingly --disagree even with each other about whether or not any high school kids are truly ready for sexual activity, we all agreed on this:  as a church community, we want the best for our kids.  And we don't want the good to be the enemy of the best.  We told them that they, our precious, beautiful, challenging, extraordinary teenagers, deserve to experience all the joys God wants them to experience.   We told the kids we won't condemn any decision any one of them makes sexually; we reminded them that we will listen lovingly and supportingly to whatever it is that they have to tell us.   But we want them to remember that sometimes, their hearts and their bodies will lie to them  by promising that immediate gratification will bring enduring reward.  We want them to remember, as Bell points out, that the biggest and hottest burning bonfires take a long time to build.

Our fourth and final night of "sex, All Saints style" came to an end with a prayer circle and lots of hugs.  We still have some "kinks" in the program we might need to work out.  (For example, having frosh and seniors in the same discussion sometimes leads to the seniors, who naturally tend to be more experienced, dominating the discussion.  We may have to break kids up by age group in the future.)   Because even our youth leaders don't all agree completely on issues of sexual ethics, it's clear that we adults can benefit from continued dialogue within the church community about what it is that we want our kids to learn.  But we did exciting work this past month, and I'm so grateful to have been a part of it.

Comments

[Russell Arben Fox]

Hugo, this has been quite a journey you've been on with these kids--thanks for tactfully sharing so much of it with your readers. You've mentioned your friendship and envy of "Mike" before, and, once again, I'm impressed by the bravery you show in opening up to the youth of your church like that. I hope they take the right message from it. (And I love the Yeats line.)

[Amanda]

We pointed out to the kids that there's no evidence that those who are promiscuous as youth have more successful relationships as adults, something one would expect to find if "experience" really were that salutatory. Drawing on my own experience I reminded them of something I wrote in that December post:

Unfortunately, it's very easy to veer dangerously close to telling people (especially women) who've been "promiscious" (sluts are always those who've had 2 more partners than you, remember) that they are ruined for lasting love. I hope that in all the lectures about how experience isn't a great teacher you didn't forget the other, often more powerful message to young women that experience devalues them as candidates for love. My relationship that started as a love relationship that gradually grew into lust ended in misery. The one I have now started as pure lust and now we're deliriously happy and have to make up stories about the less-than-pristine beginnings of our relationship.

[Amanda]

Four years in, last month, by the way.

[Hugo]

Absolutely, Amanda, you're right. While experience may not be a great teacher, it's not automatically a "ruiner" of anything. We chart a very careful middle course here, between the Scylla (of encouraging young people to explore their sexuality however they see fit whenever they like) and the Charybdis (of shaming and condemning those who have done just that).

Trust me, we've become masters of the awkward, loving, middle ground.

[Stentor]

I think experience can be a good teacher, but it's the *quality* of the experience, not the quantity, that's important. In the aggregate, the people who learned the wrong lessons from their experience balance out those who learned the right lessons. Your point that appeals to learning from experience are often facile is good, but I would hope you could move from there to helping your kids learn how to choose the most learning-rich experiences and how to learn the right lessons from their experiences.

[mythago]

He and his wife gave each other their virginity all those years ago

Hugo, I understand that you're awed by Mike and his wife's devotion to one another, but I really think you fell down flat if you put it to your kids this way. You're conflating patience (to wait for the right person), faithfulness and self-control with the first occasion to perform a particular sex act. I wonder how any sexual-assault victims listening to you must have felt.

[The Birdwoman]

I think that a lot of our hang-ups about sexuality in general would be alleviated if we gave sex less importance, not more. Sex is fun; beyond that, it's what you make of it. As for the promiscuity thing, I know I wish I'd played the field a bit more before I met the fella! :-)

[Barbara Preuninger]

Hugo, these are some really good thoughts for me in relation to my own teaching. I remember an OWL classroom conversation about whether or not one could be hurt by too early sexual activity and WHY. (i.e. how is it more that "just a physical act"?) I was trying to explain, but I had trouble articulating it well and who knows what message actually came across. (Hey, I'm not a teacher as a profession - I'm a computer programmer. What do you expect?)

Anyway, I'm teaching OWL again next year and I will keep the things you said in mind. If it's OK with you, I might even like to tell parts of your story (I wouldn't use names or anything. It would be along the lines of "I know of someone who...")

Personally, I feel very lucky that although I had first intercourse when I was 17, it was with my current husband, and I was "first" for him too (now we're going on ~13 years). I suppose I have no real way of ranking my experience over anyone else's, so I won't even try. But my gut feeling tells me it was certainly the best possibility for me personally. Sex really is wrapped up with a lot of emotions. IMHO, people who say they feel no sense of deep attachment after sex are usually deceiving themselves.

It's really best to wait for the "right" person, especially before having intercourse (for men or women). The problem is that teenagers (on average) have a less-developed sense of judgment. More likely for teens, the "wrong" person will seem "right". But how do I tell them this without annoying them? And how can I avoid being a total hypocrite (since I was 17 and apparently found the "right" guy?)

[mythago]

IMHO, people who say they feel no sense of deep attachment after sex are usually deceiving themselves.

I could claim that people who always feel a deep sense of attachment after sex are just deceiving themselves, and persuading themselves that the endorphin and post-coital languor are Rilly Deep Feelings. But you might find that a little insulting and dismissive of your own experience, hm?

And how can I avoid being a total hypocrite (since I was 17 and apparently found the "right" guy?)

You can't, really, unless your message is that you did something immature and stupid but you got lucky and the guy turned out OK.

[Barbara Preuninger]

I could claim that people who always feel a deep sense of attachment after sex are just deceiving themselves, and persuading themselves that the endorphin and post-coital languor are Rilly Deep Feelings. But you might find that a little insulting and dismissive of your own experience, hm?

I don't have any intention for being dismissive of other's experience, only voicing what I suspect to be true (and not what I know as fact or anything). I don't even think that the counter-argument you proposed is dismissive, unless you intended it to be. In fact, IMO the strong feelings from sex do have a lot to do with endorphins and post-coital languor! Just because they're scientificly explainable doesn't mean they're not there.

I guess I didn't really make it clear that I don't think that casual sex is automatically bad. (And I definitely don't think anyone should have a sense of shame or embarrassment for it.) Though I have never had casual intercourse, I've had other casual um... "encounters". I felt a strong emotional connection from these. I can imagine many reasons why some people might deny such a feeling. That's one major reason I suspect it happens a lot. I could be wrong, of course.

You can't, really, unless your message is that you did something immature and stupid but you got lucky and the guy turned out OK.

Well, now that I think about it more, I would say that I happened to be very mature for my age, and that 17 is not so terribly young (My OWL class is more like 12-13 yo). And I don't think this just because "everything turned out OK". Beforehand, I had thought long and hard about what I would do in the case of pregnancy, talked it over in depth with [insert name of spouse here], and worked out exactly what kind of birth control I'd use and why. I also made sure I was comfortable with my partner and personally ready to have sex. If there are 14 y.o. doing the same thing, I am not too worried about them. But I doubt that this is really the case. And I think a lot of kids are getting hurt.

BTW, I know of teens that are very mature like I was. The problem is that "maturity" is such a subjective concept. It's impossible to really know when one is "mature" enough. And it's hard to tell kids they're not mature enough when they might just be!

So it's still a tough message. By the way, I don't ever actually reveal anything about my age of first intercourse in class (or much about myself at all). The class has nothing to do with the teacher's personal experience, and besides, kids might interpret that as an "appropriate age" to start, which is not the intended message.

It's just that I feel that tension, knowing what my own actions were compared with what I'm telling them to do.

[Gareth]

I've been a keen reader of your blog since the New Year and always find your combination of compassion and rigorous questioning refreshing and thought-provoking.

One finicky detail, which I'm only bringing up because I think it makes a point. I think the Yeats quote was actually "Too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart". I take this to mean that it isn't suffering as such, but suffering because you deny your own needs for too long, which does the damage.

Obviously this could happen to someone who embraces a lifestyle of casual sex, when what they crave is one close, deep erotic relationship. However, I'm also reminded of people who for various reasons have put aside their own desires (erotic and otherwise), only to realise that opportunities have passed them by and they'll never get those years back.

It isn't necessarily a catastrophe if a relationship ends, although of course it's painful at the time. The only way to avoid pain is never to try anything in the first place.

Thank you for providing a place where such a wide range of conflicting opinions can be respectfully aired. There aren't enough of these!

[Hugo]

Gareth, you're right -- for all my love of poetry, I tend to rephrase difficult passages when I'm quoting, which is inexcusable. (If you think I do it with Yeats, you should see me pull lines out of the impenetrable Wallace Stevens). It's true that a poem written about the Irish struggle for independence is difficult to apply to contemporary sexual morality, and perhaps I ought not to try -- or if I do, to do so by quoting accurately!

Thanks for your kind words.

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