More on the retreat, and the smell of boys in the morning

I've been thinking more about this past weekend's retreat.  Specifically, I've been thinking about boys.  (In the era of pedophile priests and Michael Jackson's misfortunes, that's a dangerous thing to say, I suppose!)

One of the things I love about working with the teen guys at All Saints is getting the chance to watch young men grow.  I've been working with All Saints boys for several years now; guys who were high school freshmen when I started are now college sophomores.  I've witnessed them grow a foot or more; I've watched them start to shave, and I've watched them make the often painful transition towards young manhood.

When I first started working with youth, about five or six years ago, I was scared of working closely with teenage boys.  The anxiety was specific:  what if the guys didn't think I was cool?   What if they thought I was just a clumsy geek, which is how I thought of myself when I was 15?  My own memories of an awkward adolescence haunted me.  So in a moment of worry, I expressed that fear to a former youth pastor, Sarah,  at All Saints.  She laughed, gently, and said "Hugo, they're not thinking about you.  They're wondering what you think of them!"  Of course, she was absolutely right.  Teen boys don't need an adult man trying to prove his coolness to them.  Teen boys need adult men who are comfortable in their own masculinity, and who are more interested in affirming and nurturing and guiding them than in getting validated by them.  I'd like to think I've become one of those men.

As an ENFJ (or ENFP), I tend to like to connect with other people on a "feeling" level, and do so quickly.  Working with teen boys was, for that reason, initially a great challenge for me.  Skills that worked well with young women (lots of eye contact, a gentle request to "Tell me what's going on") tended to overwhelm most 14 and 15-year old guys.  I learned that feelings were only going to come out in certain contexts.  With some boys, that may mean during a long hike, when we can talk without facing each other.  For others, it will come only after a long discussion about whatever it is that the guy is interested in.  I've worked with teen boys who were fascinated with baseball statistics (which I find dull) and with boys obsessed with video games (which I find infinitely duller).  Yet I forced myself not merely to express polite appreciation for their passions, but to take an active interest in what they were doing so that I could ask intelligent questions -- and gain their trust. 

Kids, especially boys, need to be validated for their competence in something, be it role-playing games or football or their encyclopedic knowledge of old-school hip-hop music.  (Let me tell you, I once suffered through a lot of Grandmaster Flash to connect with one fella.)   I began to sense that too many adults demand instant candor and self-awareness from teenage boys.  When a teen is acting up, he may be asked by a well-meaning adult "What's bothering you?"  Though it's obvious the boy is upset, I've found that relatively few young men feel comfortable immediately disclosing what they're feeling.  Heck, they may not even be aware of what they're feeling,or they may lack the vocabulary to accurately describe their own emotional terrain.  I'm no expert, mind you.  But I have found that it's critical to connect with boys on intellectual and physical levels before pushing for emotional disclosure.  In my experience, it's this that makes connecting with adolescent boys so much more difficult than connecting with adolescent girls.  It's also what makes working with the guys so rewarding.  (Which is not to say that I don't love the girls I work with just as much.)

I've spent a lot of time sleeping in cabins (and on the floors of our youth center at church) with boys all around.  As any male youth leader will tell you, there's nothing quite like the scent of a boys' bunk house first thing in the morning on the second or third day of a retreat, when most of the guys -- including the youth leaders -- have not bothered to shower!   (It's amazing, really, the odors that pour forth from eleven sleeping male bodies in one cramped space!)  This weekend, as my fellow youth leader and I woke the boys up and prepared them for their day, we laughed and joked with them about the mess, the smell, and the sheer delight of being in all-male space together.   I loved being there, the odor and the dirt and the snoring notwithstanding. 

As I've written before, as a teenage boy, all of my good friends were girls.  I disliked and distrusted men and boys, even as I craved their approval.  Over the years, slowly and painfully, I processed through my issues with men, and came to the point where I now have a community of men with whom I interact on a regular basis.  My goal with the boys of All Saints is to help provide them with what I didn't have when I was a teen -- a warm, nurturing environment where adult men affirm, validate and challenge them. It's a chance to move away from the theories I espouse on this blog and in my classroom, and put them into concrete practice.  It's a great challenge, and it's an unsurpassed joy.  I love my guys.

Comments

[La Lubu]

Oh no, you didn't. Tell me you didn't say "suffered" through Grandmaster Flash!! ARRGH! C'mon, Hugo, you're old enough to be old school!!

(Lubu sadly shakes her head; mentally reciting, "it's like a jungle sometimes, it makes ya wonder how ya keep from goin' under..."

[Hugo]

La Lubu, I never liked hip hop. Ever. Old school, new school -- if stringed instruments aren't involved, I'm not listening.

[Caitriona]

Hugo,

Nice post. You're completely right about how difficult it is for teenage boys to articulate their feelings. It's taken 5.5 years to get our 17yo where he can even start thinking about why he's feeling a certain way. It took a lot of telling him he needed to figure out what was bothering him and work through it, even if he didn't want to tell us about it. And it took a lot of telling him that even if he hasn't figured out what is bothering him, he has to keep his behavior in line.

And now that he's finally getting it, wouldn't you know that our younger son, just turned 15 last week, is going through the same angst. This is the kid who told me if he ever started acting like his older brother, to knock him for a loop. It's tempting some days. lol

[John]

Bravo, Hugo. Hit the nail on the head. Quite right.

[Cairo]

Hugo,
I worked with boys in this age group last summer and I absolutely adored them! They were sensitive, diligent, playful, fun, loving, resourceful, and loyal. I must admit, they got a little rowdy in the late afternoon, but I can understand how hot weather can make kids irritable.__ I have to admit, there was one boy in particular that was so helpful and considerate that I wanted to adopt him.

Hugo I can see why you like working with the boys...I loved my boys too!