« A link... | Main | Thursday Short Poem: Gluck's The Mirror »

January 12, 2005

Comments

elle,australia

im 27 and i find myself attracted to my 38 year old law professor who also happens to be in a relationship with another law lecturera(34 year old). they might be engaged even not sure, i never asked though she wears a ring but he doesnt. been going out for many years but til today he never proposed to her.

i dont think most students like him as he is notoriously hard with his marking and sarcastic. i dare say if he was single i'd ask him out after i graduate end of this year but not sure whether it will happen. when i came to australia from malaysia few years ago after finishing my business studies i never thought id fall for a lecturer but i did. not sure whether he knows.i do notice that despite being harsh with his marking he is always nice to me(has seen me more than any other student in the faculty for work & also when i have personal problems). in fact we have a lot in common, both without siblings, both have similar academic backgrounds (business & law), both witty,sarcastic,very close to our family, etc. im not surprised to find some students particularly females ones falling for their lecturers at Uni. older men have some qualities that some younger men dont have which makes them attractive-maturity,confidence,power,intelligence,ambition etc. even if they may not be incredibly handsome(some balding like my professor) theres just something about them that makes you want to talk to them and get to know them even more.

i dont know whether it has anything to do with the fact that he is an italian migrant and italian men just have a way with women or it is just the fact that coincidentally we share similar values and beliefs.

so for older men out there who harbor aspirations of finding a younger companion there is hope & as for young women like me who find themselves attracted to older men do not feel guilty or ashamed.

just remember though that if you are in a working relationship with the person,where he/she is your lecturer, doctor etc, no matter how attracted you are to that person you have to remain professional and not engage in any kind of sexual relations with that person.

elle,australia

just remember though that if you are in a working relationship with the person,where he/she is your lecturer, doctor etc, no matter how attracted you are to that person you have to remain professional and not engage in any kind of sexual relations with that person.

-27 year old who likes her 38 year old law professor

mike

For Elle...very good, no sexual relations with your professors.. Also, get him out of your mind. Your professor should not be part of your fantasy life. He's your professor. That's it. He's a paid employee. Paid to care about you from an academic standpoint, and probably only for as long as the course lasts. That's it. You are one of literally thousands of young enthusiastic students. Unless you are a superstar, you don't stand out in his mind. After teaching 2,000+ students, there are only 20 or so, if they walked into my office today, that I would remember and with whom I would actually want to have a serious in-depth conversation. There isn't a single one that I would want to stop by and say, "Gee, I had fantasies about you, Dr. X!" That would be a huge turn-off, quite frankly.

josie

I think a lot of old guys are perverted pigs. Especially at water parks, I can feel the prying eye behind the sunglasses. I am not stupid, it's actually quite disturbing... I had an older man pursue me, and I am 17, I don't want to think he just wants to wait till I'm 18 to start coming on to me sexually, but from what I hear and have seen, I think that will be the case, unfortunately. It's probably not good that he has a wife.

Mike

Must be lovely to just make sweeping generalizations about sexual perversions and older men. I think I learned about those in my gender studies class...they were referred to as..."sexism"--broad overreaching unfounded generalizations based in ignorance and bigotry.

What must we call all those nice (?) 20 and 30 something lonely heart female teachers who are molesting their 8th grade male students???

See, it isn't too nice to generalize, is it? The latter are likely to be mentally ill INDIVIDUALS who need real help or punishment (your thoughts matter here). No sweeping generalizations by moi about the entire group.

In essence: let's just say that there are alot of unsavory people (men and women) who do unsavory things. Wouldn't it be nice to get beyond your sexism ?

Hans Side

Well, isn't this a classic?

Many men are trying to reconcile repressed sexual attraction to younger females with their chosen political moralisms.

Gandhi used to sleep with much younger women, but without having sex with them -- as an exercise to obtain the nirvana state of perfect brahmacharya.

Sexuality is natural and in conflict with moralism.

Sex thus is subversive both to Hugo's Christianity and to Hugo's feminism.

So Hugo, like Gandhi, seeks the possibility without enacting it. Thus he stands as the stoic, albeit, masochistic hero.

What Hugo terms integrity, is really just his idiosynchratic beliefs about how the world ought to be.

ty

Hugo i agree with you.

I am 27 now, and had several "things" with older men in my teens, and in retrospect i think they are discusting, and wonder what they were thinking. I definately wanted some kind of validation, and thought by having sex i would be more like-able. I seriously regret these older men, especially the one who, when the condom broke, said, oh well, if i have aids we will die together. Or the one who took me along to his sex therapist because he had problems with impotence, and the therapist didnt even ask me my name, bc i was just the sex partner to this man with much more status than me, who couldnt get it up.
I had my first orgasm at 25, with a vibrator.
The older men who go for very young women are all too often interested in explaining the world to your impressionable young mind, i got older and spent a few years having hardly any sex but having gotten to know better what i enjoy, and when i run into any of the much older ex-es i have no respect for them at all.

DaveTheRave

ty, have you ever heard of personal responsibility? It's almost as if you're saying you didn't consent to have sex with these men. You consented. You have to deal with your own choices you made and accept them. It sounds to me like you can't deal with that. You didn't have to sleep with them. You obviously were of the age of informed consent (otherwise it's statutory rape).

My sex life spans 15 years; in that time, I've never regretted having sex with anyone. Why not? Because I took (and take) sex very seriously. I have had a lot of sex, and always enjoyed it and regretted none of it because I'm a very discerning guy, and I won't do one-night stands, or sleep with a woman if I'm unsure. Result? Sex to me is a wonderful thing, with many wonderful memories, and no regrets. Ahh, personal responsibility is a great thing!

It amazes me how frivilous some people treat sex.

Arwen

Dave; just as a biological comment - it's more common for women to have sex while not aroused because clitoral flaccidity doesn't prevent penetration. And a majority of women don't acheive orgasm through penetrative sex alone; however, a lot of young women don't really know that. I read a lot as a teenager, and all the sex seemed to be intercourse and simultaneous climax. I thought it would just work that way. It took me until I was 22 to figure it myself out. Now, there are women who have it figured right away; but at least in my group of friends, it's about half and half.

ty, you don't seem to me to be evading responsibility for your choices, and I totally recognize having that learning curve regarding sexuality. I also think if we've been with someone who we thought "knew how it worked" - because of age or experience - and they didn't, in fact, share the info, we can be left scratching our heads. I don't have much respect for that, either. I have sex I regret too, before I got it all sorted out.

Hugo

ty, have you ever heard of personal responsibility?

Dave, another personal attack like that will get you banned. (And I'm in a banning mood.)

Consent, particularly for the young, is not a prophylazis against regret or exploitation. Just because you've coerced a reluctant "yes" from someone's lips doesn't diminish your responsibility as an older person, either!

DaveTheRave

Hugo, ty is trying to blame others for her choices she made. Personal responsibility is a massive aid to people - it really is. You can choose to minimalize your responsibility or even neglect it totally, but you will lead a sad life of blaming others for things you've done in your life. She is clearly projecting her own lack of self-respect when looking down on these guys. This is Psychology 101. Personal responsibility tackles these issues head-on, and gives you more power and control over your life. What's more, you'll be a lot more forgiving of yourself and of others when you do accept personal responsibility for your actions.

Hugo

Dave, you are welcome to your opinions -- but savaging other commenters who take the courage to share their stories here just won't fly. My blog, my rules.

DaveTheRave

Hugo, you are a law unto yourself on this blog.

This is your blog, as you keep saying.

You have to realise you are a laughing stock in a few select areas of teh internets though.

Hugo

You have to realise you are a laughing stock in a few select areas of teh internets though.

Ah, teh internets. Is the other one the one Al Gore invented?

MysticWarrior

I too found this site on a Google search....funny how things work out.

Hugo I must commend you for the ability to have an issue such as this aired in a public forum where the views of all are heard without judgement...pity some parents, partners friends and children cant be the same...

Yeah I have been involved with a younger female ( 17) for a year now I'm 49, and have a daughter her age...(I'm divorced - but not because of her)..

We met online in a chatroom for an interest we shared, her parents didnt know ( but that wasnt just because of me her parents were ULTRA Paranoid anyway)and only found out recently when her bro found out I existed and told her parents...who freaked big time....they took her Phone..Internet...ordered her to councelling and then....They called the Police. (in her State the legal age is 18...)

NOTHING Illegal took place in all the time we chatted, I even met her on occasions for a few hours of company once a month,which she looked forwards to as did I, where we chatted and held hands, and enjoyed the day...we got on very well indeed and she was just an angel, and I behaved just as a perfect gentleman should...but thats not good enough, because...
a) I'm 49 shes 17.
b) I MUST be a predator she met me online...

Anyway the Police Rang me and basically said that "it is her parents wishes that I cease and desist from any contact at all in any form whatsoever" (they were kind enough to state that the conversation would not be taking place if she was 18 more than a few times)...A point her parents I dont think have realised yet....

I have asked myself on a few occasions since the contact stopped....What would I have done if it was my daughter....certainly I dont think I would have allowed her to keep secrets..if she wants to chat to anyone keep it in the open, and If she is takling to anyone WHY??..and why do they want to talkk to you ..and if...IF...she wants to continue the chat then lets see who they are...if they are that nice and genuine..then lets meet them...so there can be rules.

My Friend is distraught at losing the friendship we had, and I'm hurt too....for losing that friendship and alSo for being judged for someone that I am not.

I was accepted for who I was by her, and it was a honest open decent friendship that has now been put on hold until she is 18 and I can wish her Happy Birthday - and I will; she knows that.

The best part...was that my impotence never made any difference to her at all which was so good to hear as most people just back away(I have been impotent since I was 34).......it took me a long time to come to terms with it, now that I have ( and No medications work belive me I Tried) it was a blessing to find someone who saw me for who I really am.

We were the best of friends and I know that her parents have done what they have in their eyes "for her own Protection" but when she is 18 she can legally make her own choice, and they cant stop her.

It is wonderful to read so many positive posts about something that the vast majority of society labels as perverted, and to be in the middle of it and seen as nothing but a dirty old man hurts a lot.

Anthony E. Phillips Sr

This could be a very perplexing type of relationship if the male is the same age as the females' mother - forty-something. AND if he has kids who are of the same age bracket of the young woman he has fell in love with - twenty-something. Will there be a problem establishing respect for both parties?

Apparently, dysfunctionality will embrace these cross-families before a mutual understanding or true love ever blossoms - if it blossoms?

Age and the thoughts of aging would have to be removed from the scenario to maintain Daddy's love for his little girl and Hubby's love for his beautiful wife who is three years older!

Choices.

Enolihi

I know a man 53 years old that now has a baby with a twenty something girl. He also has a daughter from a previous marriage whom he referred to as his little pumpkin. I wonder how his daughter is getting along with daddy's girlfriend or is there competition between them.

Mike

Unfortunately, many of the guys criticizing women here are teetering on the edge. Hugo himself is teetering because his response is as a authoritarian as I would have anticipated. Goes to show....

Everyone misses the point...want to avoid the problem? Answer: don't screw around. The 'I am a responsible sex fiend' which seems to emanate from some guys' comments is ridiculous. Avoid the problem by avoiding the action. Let the females ("women" is a sociological term and I don't know if it applies here) say what they will, but that doesn't mean that you--guys--have to be a party to the discussion. In other words, keep control of "it" and you don't have the problem, you are party to the discussion, and you live happily. You have as much a choice of whom to have sex with as does she. Just because she's a consenting adult doesn't mean that you have to do "it."

I'm male (and a man), but in my opinion...when it comes to sex, most human males and females are foolish in their choices.

RLC

I am a 31 year old woman and dating a man who is 44 he is the best lover i have ever had, and is very attentive, loving and considerate. Our sex life is awesome, i think maybe it is time to settle down, as i have lived a rather full life in my twenties, travelled, educated myself, etc, and had a 10 year relationship. He has been married before and has been divorced for 10 years, so he knows how to be in a relationship. He has been asking me to marry him and i am seriously considering his proposal.
There is one concern though, my dad who i has always been an authority figure in my life (i've given him this power)has accepted this relationship, however i become very nervous when my boyfriend is affectionate with me in front of my father. As a child, my father always treated me like more of a son then a daughter, though as an adult woman he has shown me the utmost respect Do i have father issues?

Mike

RLC--

"Girls" being treated like sons (and sons not being embraced into dad's world) is very common these days. I suspect you don't know how to be a "girl" around dad because, from a behavioral standpoint, the rewards have always come attached to you and dad being in a "father/son" relationship. Because of this, subconsciously you feel like you are betraying the sociological role that he established for your relationship with him.

rodg11

"The originol blog seemed to be making the point that the potential for abuse however comes from the very fact that their is an age differance. Whilst this a potential factor which would allow abuse, it doesnt mean that abuse has to happen"

I dsagree, fish. It seems to me that an older man can't help being an older man. By that I mean he's been down the road of life a long way ahead of his young female partner. Along that road he's added many psychological, social, financial, emotional, sexual and god knows what other weapons to his arsenal. He can't help using these weapons. He can't "become 18 " when he's dealing with her, no matter what sort of romantic smoke he's blowing up his own arse, e.g. "She makes me feel young again, she's so mature for her years" etc. The relationship can't be anything other than manipulative, even if the older man is not conscious of his manipulation. I agree there may be extremely rare cases where these relationships turn out to be healthy (or, at least as unhealthy as anyone else's), but as far as I can see they seem to be based mostly in middle aged male narcissism coupled with teenage female vulnerability, a sordid feedback loop at best.

The Gonzman

Being Forty-mmbpff myself, and having just spend the better part of two weeks running men half my age into the ground, I'm not a big believer in the age gap. The maturity gap is another thing, but while there is a correlation between that and age, it is not causative.

As for anything else - Below 18 - always wrong. Male of female.

Subordinate/supervisor roles, or student/mentor - always wrong. Male or female.

Things are so much easier once you decide to just find core principles and not overcomplicate them by finding "nuances" where they can be excused if your ox is being gored.

karen corcoran dabkowski

i just happened upon your website a few days ago, and i don't know when i've ever read an online journal where i've said "yes!" as often, or felt as good; you sir, are a breath of fresh air- and i had to stop in to thank you.


thanks for all you do for youth (for ALL of us) by example and with good humor. thanks for being firm when it's called for, and for speaking out with views and values i hardly ever hear anymore: thanks for rescuing the soft little creatures of ALL TYPES- and just for being here.

this space you've created is a thoroughly marvelous place to visit; i am a new fan, but a stalwart one.

karen corcoran dabkowski

Hugo

Thank YOU, Karen -- and double bonus points for writing so nicely under your real name!

Gypsea Jon

Does love really care about age? I´m 59, she is 29. We seem to love each other, but she worries about what her friends think. And that hurts our relationship. There are only three words that should matter in any relationship, whether it be between people, your dog, your car or anything... Love, Devotion, and Surrender. I wish you all luck in finding it.

The comments to this entry are closed.

My Photo

Regular reads

Blog powered by Typepad
Member since 01/2004