Freakin' at All Saints

Looking at my calendar for the week, I note that I have volunteered to chaperone a senior high dance at All Saints this Friday night.  When I first started doing youth work at the church, I chaperoned quite a few dances.  My schedule has changed in the last year or so, and my fiancee and I have other commitments on Friday nights.  But this Friday, with my beloved out of town, I shall be one of a handful of adults monitoring the goings-on in our subterranean social hall.

Youth dances at All Saints go back farther than anyone on staff can remember.  They have always proved wildly popular, and though we charge very little to get in, nonetheless usually end up generating a small profit for our youth council.  Our senior high youth are allowed to bring their friends who don't attend All Saints, though we try to discourage folks from just wandering in off the street.  In years past, we have had a regular contingent of teens from nearby Lake Avenue, an evangelical mega-church that discourages dancing.  We also have had kids wander in from the impressively sized Pasadena Nazarene, which like other congregations in that denomination, also frowns upon dancing.  I'd by lying if I said we didn't take a wee bit of pleasure in attracting teens from more conservative churches!

On the other hand, our famous liberalism at All Saints can be carried too far.  I remember the first dance I chaperoned four years ago.  Almost without exception, the kids insisted on playing rap music.  Our teens come from a variety of backgrounds, but rap seems -- by far -- their consensus choice for dance music.  At one point, the teen DJ (one of our kids) played three Eminem songs in a row, to the evident delight of the gyrating adolescents.  I had no quarrel with the music, even though I have little fondness for rap.  (At my high school dances, we had live bands, not DJs; they played lots and lots of 70s rock.  I remember that the principal of my high school was very upset when one band did a particularly fine cover of the Eric Clapton classic, "Cocaine."  And yes, we  danced to it, along with covers of songs by Lynyrd Skynyrd, Led Zeppelin, Foreigner, Styx, and my beloved Journey.)

But I did have a huge problem with the dancing.  At that first All Saints dance, I had been taking money at the door for the first hour, and finally switched with another adult who was monitoring the dance floor.  When I got a look at what was going on, my jaw dropped.  I saw a veritable ocean of frosh and sophomore girls, all with their backs to their male partners, grinding their butts into the crotches of the boys.  Most of the boys had their hands on the girls' hips; one or two more aggressive fellows were sliding their hands up and down their partners' torsoes.  Periodically, one of the girls would turn, face her partner, and begin to hump his outstretched leg in a fashion that reminded me of a libidinous dachsund.  I was flabbergasted. 

I turned to one of the senior girls who was standing next to me; she had helped organize the dance.  She whispered in my ear over the throbbing music "It's okay, Hugo.  It's just freaking."  Of course, I didn't hear the word as "freaking" -- the first time she said it.  I heard something else, and my head began to hurt.  In my era, we called it "dirty dancing", and it was strictly forbidden at high school social events.  (We were allowed to drape ourselves over each other for slow songs, but one did not rub one's crotch against anyone and one's hands did not go below one's partner's waist.)

Our full-time youth minister at the time -- who no longer works for All Saints -- was happily pouring soft drinks a few feet from the dance floor, utterly unfazed by what was happening inches from him.  I managed to pull him aside, and yell in his ear: "Shouldn't we do something?"  He looked at me quizzically:  "Something about what?"  "That!", I shouted, gesturing at the dance floor.  The youth minister looked immediately concerned.  "Is someone drinking?", he asked.  "No, no, I mean the dancing."  He looked again, turned back to me, shrugged his shoulders, and said "Oh, that's the way they do it now."

Clearly, Hugo was all alone in his outrage.  It was incredibly disconcerting.  Here I was, convinced that I was still in some sense "hip" at 33 or 34, and I had apparently just encountered -- for the first time -- my inner conservative.  (Deep in the heart of every liberal man, there surely lurks a powerful moralistic censoriousness.  It tends to appear around the same time he feels emotionally and spiritually responsible for the young and the vulnerable.)  But without any support from the staff, I could hardly impose my wishes on a teeming teenage throng.  I spent the rest of the dance watching the faces of the kids on the floor, wondering what they were thinking, wondering how comfortable they were.

At our next youth group meeting the following Wednesday, I asked the kids to explain their dancing to me.  I made it into a bit of a joke, playing the part (I don't have to try hard) of an old fuddy-duddy who doesn't "get it."  The kids explained that there was -- in their minds -- nothing sexual about "freaking."  "It's just the way we dance now; it doesn't mean anything."  I pressed them as much as I could: "Are you sure you don't see anything sexual about rubbing your pelvises together?"  Several of them laughed at me indulgently, and shook their heads. 

But the conversation soon turned more serious.  One 10th grade girl, whom I had seen on the dance floor for almost the entire time the previous Friday, raised her hand and began to talk.   I'll call her Cassie, though that wasn't her name.  Cassie said something like this:

You know, it does make me uncomfortable.  But this is what guys expect now.  If you won't "freak" with them, they'll go find some girl who will.   Once one girl lets a guy touch her, all the other guys expect the same thing -- and all the girls start to feel the same pressure.  It really bothers me, but I really like dancing so I guess I put up with it.

What followed was some very candid discussion.  Not all of the girls agreed with Cassie, but most did.  Several of the boys were bewildered and a bit frustrated.  Most of them had no intention of forcing themselves on to their dance partners, but they did enjoy what was happening immensely and assumed that that enjoyment was reciprocated.   But one boy announced that he too felt pressure to freak -- not by the girls, but by the other guys.  This fellow, I'll call him Bryan, said something like this:

You know, I just want to dance -- but the other guys give you a hard time if you don't freak with a girl. It's like I'm expected to try to get as much as I can, or I'm not cool.

The discussion ate up the better part of an hour.  Finally, with some nudging from me and a couple of other volunteers, we got the kids to design their own "dance code" for future events.  Here's the rule they came up with: no touching another person's body anywhere that you are legally required to cover in public with any part of your body. Hugging was fine.  Slow dancing, fine.  Hands on buttocks; crotches on thighs -- not fine.  We asked the kids if they would be willing to police themselves, or if they thought they needed some help from adult chaperones.  Reluctantly, they asked for help.

The rule held up well for a while, but I've heard that lately, it's been honored more in the breach than in the observance.  This will be my first dance at All Saints since 2002; I'll report.

In the end, I do think dancing is healthy and exciting for kids.  I know full well that hormones and sexual chemistry are a huge part of that excitement, and I don't have a problem with that.  (Our conservative neighboring churches do have a problem with it -- and they hope to solve the problem by not allowing dancing at all.  But that just pushes the problem off church grounds.)  I do think that if a church is going to sponsor dances -- as we have and will continue to do -- we have an obligation to create a place where teens can relax and enjoy themselves without having to compete with one another to demonstrate sexual sophistication.  We have to give them the freedom to delight in each other while simultaneously giving them freedom from overwhelming sexual pressure. 

Oh, and for the record, I have never danced at a church dance.  But if I can get the DJ to put on Journey's "Wheel In the Sky" or Foreigner's "Hot Blooded", that might change...

Comments

[La Lubu]

You know, if you had gone in there like gangbusters, declaring war on 'freaking', setting up strict 'no contact' rules, your youth group would have been in an uproar, been very defensive, and possibly there would have been fewer teens at the next dance. But by talking, and letting them take the lead, you got results. Hey, since they're listening to rap anyway, maybe you ought to encourage more breakdancing....y'know, old school breaking and poplocking and stuff.

By the way, how the hell does one dance to "Wheel in the Sky"?!!?!! Interpretive dance?

[Amanda]

Hugo, we danced like that when I was in high school, and we aren't so far apart in age. *snicker* We even had a version called the sandwich. Hip hop was in ascendance when I was a teenager, though. Personally, I hated dancing like that because I'm no good at it. I was grateful when rave culture finally went mainstream and you could dance like a space cadet instead.

Remember, the waltz was once considered daringly sexual because dancers actually touched each other.

[Michelle]

Having witnessed the same thing at public school dances, it worries me too. You will even see girls freak with each other to get the attention of the guys. I have to admit, that one time I just cracked up, when I saw a little papi being freaked from both sides by girls both a foot taller than he...

I think you're right about the social pressure. That is the way to dance now...It's great that you got the kids to talk about it.

[Camassia]

At my high-school graduation party, which was about a year after the movie Dirty Dancing came out, the actually hired a couple to come and give us a lesson in it. I guess that's a measure of how liberal my high school was. But generally at school dances we didn't touch except for slow dances. I don't know if it was actually forbidden, or if it just hadn't caught on yet.

[Hugo]

I understand that what is "indecent" is a moving target. I also am reluctant to embrace the conservative's "slippery slope" argument, that says that if this sort of thing continues, our kids will be fornicating on the floor next. What I am concerned about is mostly the vaguely coercive aspect of the whole thing -- you need to permit others to touch you (or try and touch others) in order to be cool; that can leave more than a few young folks feeling overwhelmed -- and possibly violated.

One of the purposes of dancing is to take erotic excitement and sublimate it into something lighthearted, pleasurable, and safe. Freaking may be all of those things for some kids -- but not for others.

And I can't remember how I danced to "Wheel in the Sky." Probably, the way I danced to everything -- moving my arms about in an approximation of a middle-distance runner, while alternately shifting my weight from right to left foot and periodically bringing my feet together.
I was no doubt painful to watch.

But I also remember dancing to "Stairway to Heaven" -- which was played at every dance I EVER went to. Of course, it has "fast" parts and "slow" parts, and you would alternately glom on to your partner and bounce vigorously in their general proximity. Even now, when I hear it on the radio, I can visualize which parts are for hugging and rocking and which parts are for gyrating.

[elaine]

i have a big problem with "freaking" too...in fact, i've always had a problem with it, and i'm 19! so, i can completely understand why you would be appalled to see something like that. it is the main reason why i enjoyed NONE of my high school dances, why i HATED senior prom, and why i don't go clubbing. having some guy feel on you while dancing is just so distasteful. i think dancing has gotten way, way too sexual.

[Amanda]

It is a shame that it's coercive, but I don't really see a way out of that. Teenagers exert pressure on each other all the time for everything. The kids that are fine with the freaking might not be fine with something else, but since that something else isn't sexualized you may never find out about it in order to counsel them.

I found boring old slow dancing, where your partner could smell your neck, much more erotic as a teenager. It makes me blush now to think about it.

[Hugo]

Oh heavens, Amanda, that brought back memories. My first slow dance! 1980. I don't remember her name, she was a brunette with feathered hair -- and her hair smelled terrific. I can remember the scent.

Oh, the song? "Babe" by Styx. I think it had just come out. I still adore that song too.

[zuzu]

The hyperaggressiveness of freaking, or at least people who want to freak while you're just trying to dance, is a reason I don't go to dance clubs anymore unless I go to gay clubs.

I'm fine with freaking with gay men because I know they're not going to be getting ideas about my dancing with them being a permission slip for aggressive sexual behavior. In that context, it's fun. But I had one too many encounters with straight guys who thought they could feel me up and kiss me and follow me to the bathroom just because we're dancing together. I even left my coat in a club once because I had an opportunity to bolt out the back door to ditch one guy. These were invariably guys quite a bit younger than I.

[kelly]

Hugo, I would pay good money to see you dance to "wheel in the sky" ;P

As for freaking, with all that bumping and grinding, you'd think the boys (being teenagers and all) would get, erm...excited. Which in my school dance days, would have been mortifying. Perhaps times have changed...

[DJW]

La Lubu, I don't care much for most forms of 80's nostalgia, but a breakdancing revival would be glorious.

This discussion of freakdancing makes me realize just how far removed from youth culture I am. I'm on the younger side of 30 and I've never seen or heard anything of it. And yes, it does cause some stirrings in the deep slumber of my inner conservative (in addition, it seems really unpleasant and uncomfortable to have to watch, especially as an adult. Ugh.)

[Camassia]

I think that the problem with the 'freaking' norm isn't that it's any more coercive than any other norm, but that the norms are being set by the most sexually aggressive teenagers. I think it's perfectly fine for Hugo to step in a create a more 'grown up' norm. If the adults don't take charge then the kids are left under the petty dictators of the social cliques.

[Amy]

I had one too many encounters with straight guys who thought they could feel me up and kiss me and follow me to the bathroom just because we're dancing together.

Thank you Zuzu. This weekend after refusing to go clubbing with a friend for that reason, we went to this guy's house where exactly that ended up happening. I'm with you on saving freak dancing for gay clubs.

[Hugo]

Gosh, Amy and zuzu, I think I need to post about my days going to gay clubs... ;-)

Kelly: If required for a fundraiser of some sort, I'd do it in the PCC quad.

[zuzu]

Well, Hugo, unless you were going to dyke bars, the experience would be a weeeee bit different. ;)

[mythago]

Wow, Hugo, nicely handled.

And as somebody who's done 'freaking' (as an adult, with a consenting partner), the kids who tell you it's not sexual are, well, lying. It's dry-humping to music. That's why we did it.

[John Sloas]

A fun read, Hugo. I haven't worked with teenagers in over two years. I don't miss being in charge of a "youth group" but I do miss the kids. It keeps you young and bewildered all at the same time. Having the "code" come from the kids...brilliant. Keep up the good and honorable work.

[Steve]

Agreed that those suggesting it's not sexual are lying - I remember slow dancing (especially my first slow dance) as been a hugely sensual experience, and most of that was in the imagination. Thinking back into the mind of the pre-teen and early-teen me, and imagining someone grinding into me in that way, it would have been perceived pretty much the same as having actual sex!

If the boys are somehow managing to convince the girls to do it on the pretext that it's 'just dancing' then there's definitely coercion going on and your way of dealing with it was sublime - Way better than I'd have managed in my days as a church youth worker!

[Barbara]

You know, I wouldn't be caught "freakin" in public even with my husband, with whom, obviously, I am sexually intimate. There is no doubt that it is sexual -- but it's almost like listening to adolescents cursing it's not the same as when adults do it -- is it intended to shock, to intimidate, to actually pressure girls into having sex -- or as a vicarious sexual release? I don't know, but it makes me want to send them all to an Arthur Murray class, where you actually have to know some steps to be presentable on the dance floor. Anyone can f*ck.

[Kate]

"Stairway to Heaven" was the standard last slow song at United Synagogue Youth dances when I was in high school--and I'm 23! Clearly we weren't very hip, either, although freaking may have made it into USY circles by now I suppose.

A sort-of related question: do church youth groups serve the same dating function as synagogue-related social organizations for teenagers? Even as teenagers, there was always a sense that one of the de facto purposes of youth group was to introduce us to nice Jewish potential dates from other schools or cities.

[Amanda]

When I was a teenager, I never felt pressured to take "freaking" to any other level--I would dance with various guy friends, not just boyfriends, that way.