"All men are dogs": Trust, suspicion, and youth ministry

I'm still thinking about touch and hugs, and though this will be my fourth post this week on the subject, I just can't seem to stop. This will be the last one. I think.

There is no question that statistically, men are far more likely to sexually abuse children and teens than women are. (I have no idea what percentage of sex offenders are women, but I imagine it is a relatively small figure). There is also no question that in our culture, the primary care-givers for children and teens are women. Our elementary school teachers are overwhelmingly female; increasingly, our high school teachers are as well. And though there are plenty of men in youth ministry, it does seem to me (anecdotally, again) that far more women than men are interested in working with teens, especially long-term. (Lots of young men start out in the church working with teens, but their real goal is usually a pastorate).

We know how desperately our boys and young men need strong male role models. But even as churches and other institutions looks to increase the number of men (especially in their 20s and 30s) in children's and youth ministry we create a climate of suspicion that looks upon every male youth worker as a potential predator. That's strong language, of course. But I cannot tell you how often I've been asked what my "real agenda" is for teaching women's studies and working with teenagers!

Surely, we are a culture that is profoundly frightened by what we believe are certain truths about male sexuality. Our films, our talks shows, our "real-life courtroom dramas" (Kobe Bryant), the Clinton-Lewinsky fiasco all reinforce the notion that, as so many of my teens of both sexes put it: "all men are dogs". The assumption that most men are, at some level, fundamentally predatory is increasingly widespread. In the absence of strong men of character to serve as role models, our young people have no option but to believe that, as another of my students put it: "all men are weak; women are the ones who hold the world together." Of course, it is personal experience as well as the media that reinforces this notion. When I ask my youngsters in youth group to share stories of betrayal at the hands of adults (a topic we approach with great care), the largest number of stories revolve around male weakness -- alcoholism, infidelity, addiction, molestation. Men, it seems, are guilty until proven innocent.

I have hit the point in my life and in my volunteer ministry where I am willing to prove myself innocent. I can rail against the "unfairness" of judging me by the poor behavior of other men, but in this culture, that's fruitless. As men, we do have to accept the fact that collectively, we have given good reason why it is that we ought not to be trusted -- above all in the sexual realm. We can bemoan the injustice of paying for the sins of others, or we can shoulder the burden that our brothers have created for us (and that perhaps, in our own lives, we have helped to create). What that means practically is that I am committed to meeting suspicion with patience, openness, and accountability. I'm no longer hurt when folks don't trust me just because I'm a man -- I accept now that they have every reason not to.

I want a world where women smile fearlessly at men on the street. Where my female students stroll alone into parking lots at night in confidence. Where I can relate on my blog that I hug and kiss my teenage charges without raising any anxiety in the minds of readers. But the reason we don't have that world is not because the world is unreasonable; it's because the world is very reasonably responding to the sad reality of bad male sexual behavior. I can sulk about it, but that won't help. What we men need to do is be willing to absorb scrutiny, answer questions, and hold ourselves and our brothers accountable. All the while, when it comes to relating to women and children, we have to balance good judgment with the Christian imperative to love boldly and recklessly. Despite the anxiety generated by the Kobes and the Clintons and the Catholic abuse scandal, we men have to be willing to with young people. Indeed, the Kobes and the Clintons make that work all the more imperative.

So, ask me your questions. Put me through your background checks. Confront me if I step across a line. You see, I'm going to hug, kiss, listen to, nourish, nurture, joke with, challenge, respect, and love on your kids with everything I've got. All things considered, you have the right to doubt why a grown man would want to do all that. But be open to the possibility that I -- and so many men like me -- are not what you fear we are. Be open to the very real possibility that on Wednesday nights and Sunday afternoons and countless other times, we could be as Christ to your child. Hubris? Maybe. But with every fibre of my being, I believe that being Christ to kids is what youth ministry should always be about.

This disorganized rant is done. Want to read a splendid and well-organized piece? Check out Andi's long post on Buddhism and abortion. It's terrific.

Oh, and I'm considering leaving Pasadena Mennonite Church. More on the reasons why soon.

Comments

[Tim]

Wow! I am inspired. I see your strength as you enter into a situation that others have made hard. Before I would have complained that it wasn't fair, now I see that excuse for what it is. And even more so, I am drawn to the way you want to be Christ for others. That is what I want to be like.

[John]

Well, you've hit in a nut-shell my teaching philosophy. Bravo. I am very curious as to why you are considering leaving-Is it the Mennonites, or the Pasadena you have the problem with?

[Amy]

I want a world where women smile fearlessly at men on the street. Where my female students stroll alone into parking lots at night in confidence.

I want that world too. I love this post, Hugo. I love your passion and your dedication and I don't envy your position in a society that likes to claim it clings to innocent until proven guilty.

To be honest, I have to admit that I'm someone who's often suspicious, having been on the receiving end of "predatory male sexuality." I think in a lot of ways that we aren't careful enough. People like to think that rapists and molesters lurk in the bushes and dark alleys when in actuality they are often the people children are entrusted to. I've never thought much about clergy. From personal experience I worry far more about male babysitters. I feel bad that you're subjected to such criticism, but I'm unrepentant about being the same way anytime a man babysits children not his own.

It's a tough issue to deal with and I applaud your efforts, your awareness, and your resolve.

[Lisa]

Hi,

I found this site through researching psychological terms, and I'm glad I found it. There are so many interesting discussions with even individuals linking to the site with their own online journals. This is a great idea to stir up discussions outside the traditional classroom. I'll definitely be reading a lot more.

[joe]

so what is the difference between being Christ like which you commented on as being dangerous and "being Christ"?

your tipping the scale one way again

[Hugo]

It's dangerous, Joe, to assume that one can be truly like Christ, in that our Lord was able to live a life of justice and love at a level that we can never really match. On the other hand, we are called to follow Christ, and we are called to see Christ in one another and to be Christ to each other -- always remembering that whatever love flows forth from us flows from His power, not ours.

[joe]

perception is truly strange. never would i have thought a person could amount to Christ--let alone assume this. what you describe as "being Christ", to me is dangerous. but i think we both mean something positive, and non offensive to Christ. the varing sects of Christianity, with the varing terminology used to describe beliefs, and sometimes the same concepts, baffles and astounds me.

[Kat in CT]

Hugo,

Thanks. Thanks for understanding what makes women sometimes treat men so badly....fear. Thanks for being so very Christ-like. We need more Christians who are committed to being like Christ which is NOT always the same thing as merely being a good Christian. Thanks...and love.

[Johnny]

You won't be getting laid anytime soon buddy, and men are like this becuase women like it, keep in mind they demand men to be bad.

[Jake]

"I'm no longer hurt when folks don't trust me just because I'm a man -- I accept now that they have every reason not to."

It's inexplicable why you identify unjust generalizations and then say, "Well they're our 'brothers'" (whatever that word is supposed to mean in this inappropriate context), as if that justifies innocent people being assumed guilty because of some alleged similarity to criminals. I don't give a shit if other people with dark blond hair are more likely to steal things, I'm not going to smile like an idiot and "absorb scrutiny, answer questions, and hold myself and my [dark blond] brothers accountable."

This argument extends directly to black people, and all racial groups, as well. Black people commit crimes more than white people (see how ugly generalizations sound when you apply them to any group other than the easiest punching bag -- the male sex?) Therefore, by your self-hating and self-negating argument, black people should be humble and "committed to meeting suspicion with patience, openness, and accountability."

Why would they bother to "rail against the 'unfairness' [in quotes? really?] of judging me by the poor behavior of other [black] men, but in this culture, that's fruitless." I suppose there's a bit of realism in that, but the conclusion you draw sounds like fringe nonsense when applied to a group that doesn't enjoy relentless bashing in all media and education:

Black people just have to bite the bullet and "accept the fact that collectively, [they] have given good reason why it is that [they] ought not to be trusted."

I write as a male who was a babysitter and a camp counselor for years in my teens, and have had to deal with horrible people like the commenter Amy. Assholes who like to be snitty and feel entitled to ask why you're working in a Head Start or as a camp counselor. Funny, none of the girls I worked with were ever asked that.

But I, and all other males, just have to "accept the fact that collectively, we have given good reason why it is that we ought not to be trusted." No matter my personal feelings on these unnamed crimes I must assume responsibility for. No matter whether I myself have been a victim of violence, or helped others recover from violence. No matter whether I have my own identity, and would like to not be arbitrarily lumped in by whatever Women's Studies professors deem to be my master status.

I guess it's supposed to be something inherent in maleness that makes us deserving of contempt and suspicion of pedophilia and the desire to rape, especially if we bring guilt on ourselves by violating social norms -- determined by the Amy's of the world, and accepted with ashamed gratitude by lapdogs like Mr. Hugo Schwyzer -- to such an eccentric degree as to want to help in the guiding of future generations at young ages. Your argument reeks.

[brigitte]

I believe that while it is unfair to generalize in any way, it is also the easiest, (albeit rusty and blunted) tool we as humans have in our arsenal.

I hear the grace and love in your post- the strong beautiful heroic man who is speaking, big enough to hear the pain behind the anger, big enough to know that it is truly not about you- it's about the hurt that others have suffered.

Thank you sir, for being loving, for being bigger than other people's fear. I am blessed to be married to such a man, and we are raising our son to be the same- a hero. A real one.

[Jake]

So this is what the feminists really want. A "strong beautiful heroic man who is speaking, big enough to hear the pain behind the anger, big enough to know that it is truly not about you- it's about the hurt that others have suffered." A supplicant. Someone to say, "oh go ahead and frisk me, i've earned it because my gender is so depraved." Someone to remind women how gentle and fair they are.

fucking PUKE!

[Helen]

Or Jake, perhaps just accepting that women are scared of men for a reason, and attacking women won't reduce that fear.

[Thomas]

I feel conflicted.

Jake has a very good point about all of this. If the same arguments were applied to race, they would be considered horrifying racist.

I believe that assuming women are all weak victims unable to cope with trauma and needing to be coddled is pretty misogynistic as well. The perception that all male sexuality is predatory is just as damaging and harmful as the perception that all women are completely frigid and non-sexual. It's dehumanizing.

Now, of course, I know you don't support the belief that all men are sexual predators, but by being permissive of it, and "understanding" of the undue and discriminatory suspicion you are subject to, you are only reinforcing the mindset behind it.

for instance: Let's say that company was hiring a mathematics teacher. If a woman was applying for the position, and turned down because the Principal had prior experiences with woman that caused him to believe that all women are flighty and unintelligent, would you ever ask a woman to meet this unfair generalization with patience and understanding? Would you ask them to shoulder the burden of all of their vapid and subservient sisters?

Now, you could argue that in the case isn't as serious as a woman's suspicion born from trauma, and to that I have something to say as well.

I've not met many people who haven't suffered some kind of intimate and scarring trauma. I've known men who've been severely emotionally abused by their ex-wives or ex-girlfriends (the kind of women who treat sex as a commodity to be earned by way fancy tricks and presents, the kind of women who haven't the soul for real intimacy), and yet if they are less respectful to women in their lives because of it, you would not encourage those women to suck it up and shoulder the burden of their cruel, misandrist sisters.

I have experienced for myself the predatory sexuality of a specific man, and as a child was the victim of severe sexual abuse. But, I would never assume for a second that every man is a monster because of the actions of one man. To assume that woman are less able to deal with trauma is innately sexist and demeaning. I know that's not your intention, of course. You are taking the approach of a good Christian man, and that is something I can respect. I simply disagree with the notion that woman should expect this, or should be excused for being discriminatory.

A woman should never need a man to be strong for her, if she is a strong woman.

[aHuman]

You need to learn a few things about humans before you try to teach. Here's a little start:
If you treat people like criminals, they will nearly always become criminal.
If you treat people like violent predators to be feared then they will start to act like that.

How in the world do you expect men to find a foot in the world if they grow up with the responsibility of violence and rape before they even know what it's all about? I hope you realize that that will likely push MORE men into violence.

Intended or not, with your writing your suggest unmistakably that those evil characteristics are typical male behavior. Well, if that is what you and society think, then we can all pack in and give up because nothing will change it. Fortunately you're completely wrong about that.

You should be ashamed of yourself for spreading this blind sexism and male hatred. Next time you meet a 5 year old boy, will you tell him he should get ready for taking on the responsibility of raping and killing women?
Disgusting!

[Geoffry Jesus]

This is why men hate feminism. Feminism blames men for all the problem in the world. Men have a higher standard of living on one side but a lower on the other side, women may not get paid as much but men are far likelier to receive harsher punishments than women in western courts. What most people don't realize is feminism is about male issues too. Treating a person like a dumb dog will probably make him a dumb dog if he is so emotionally disconnected from himself and the rest of the world. In western society we have imprisoned man in an inescapable shell of things he needs to be guilty for, and feminism tends to only add to this. A lot of feminists don't realize that in western society men are almost as frequently raped as much as females. Granted a lot of these rapes occur in the military, prison, etc.. But these are human beings too, who will have children and shape our future and they are getting raped. Feminism too easily explains rape as being a mans crime against women, but rape is a human crime, and we all male and female alike are who have to work to change these things. If you work to condemn man for his problems then you will get nowhere and fight only in spite. As rational beings we need to understand and accept our physiological conditions, such as men with higher testosterone levels tend mate and reproduce far more often, because of female sensory that can subconsciously pick up testosterone levels which only sets of sexual reactions in the female mind. But we all know that testosterone is a dumbing chemical in the brain. We are breeding men to be dumb, and then we are calling them dumb, and then we are telling them they need to atone for being dumb.

"A woman should never need a man to be strong for her, if she is a strong woman." There are no truer words, and work vice-versa.