Photos and true confessions of a narcissist

I've changed the photo on the right side of the blog for the first time in months. This was what was once there: view image.

Since lately I have been in the habit of making confessions and reflecting on accountability, I realize that an image of me running shirtless does not belong front and center in this space. Both professionally within my academic work and in casual blogging, I've been quite critical of our culture's obsession with beauty, thinness, and athleticism. (Here and here, for example). I'd like to think most of those criticisms are valid, and if nothing else, they've started some good cyberconversations, for which I am immensely grateful.

It is difficult to separate my academic work on the body, gender, and beauty from my own recreational habits. I run almost daily; I lift weights several times a week. I do marathons and 50Ks with some regularity. Mostly, I love to run because it releases stress and tension; it takes me into the hills that I love and gives me a chance to see pieces of God's wild creation that I would not otherwise ever get the chance to see. It's given me a precious community of friends with whom I can sweat and eat and laugh and swap stories. But it has also made my body harder, leaner, and stronger. While far from possessing our culture's idealized male frame, I am not ashamed to confess that I have come to take inordinate pride both in my body's capabilities and in its appearance. I work with college students and high schoolers who are profoundly anxious about their bodies, and on one hand, I recognize that my own self-consciousness about my flesh enables me to empathize with their struggles. On the other hand, I realize that in order for me to teach effectively about the body, I have to make certain that my own body does not become a distraction! If my vanity (and of course, as most would suspect, vanity had a lot to do with that photo being on this blog) is so flagrantly obvious, it will inevitably undercut the positive work I am trying to do.

When I was a newer teacher, in my late 20s and early 30s, I spent a great deal of time and money on my clothing. I wore fashionable tight-fitting outfits (I was especially fond of Donna Karan and anything from French Connection); I had many folks convinced I was gay. It got me plenty of attention, most (but by no means all) of it quite positive. But though my body hasn't changed much in the last few years, my need to gain validation from it has -- at long last -- begun to diminish. Let me assure you that that is a process, not an event!

I am at my best in the classroom and in my work when I present myself humbly. When neither my clothes nor my bearing are distractions to me or to those around me, then I can focus most completely on what it is that I am called to do. Even here in the blogosphere, I admit that I liked presenting one version of Hugo (the pic is from a 2003 half-marathon in Orange County) of which I was particularly proud. I've thought better of it, the pic is now down, and now, whether you wanted to or not, you know why.

Comments

[Amy]

I must say that while I was reading this post I was thinking of my hot French TA from last quarter (who you've heard plenty about on my blog) and the things he would wear. You make a good point about how clothing can be a distraction in an academic setting (or any setting for that matter) and it's one that I wish more of my classmates kept in mind.

I think that at those times in our lives when we are young, in good shape, and proud of it, we do want to show off and get attention. There's part of me that agrees with that "flaunt it if you've got it" philosophy, but it's hard to learn another language when you're trying to figure out if your sexy TA is gay or straight.

[lorie]

The new picture reminds me of Guy Pearce's character in L.A. Confidential. I just wanted to share that.

[Hugo]

I've heard that a couple of times, Lorie, and it always makes me blush. Vanity tells me I'd rather be his character in "memento", but that is neither here nor there.

And remember, Amy, he may well be straight.

[The Angry Clam]

Hugo, I didn't think of the running photo as a vanity.

You do spend a good amount of time talking about the experiences you have in running marathons- a photo of yourself doing exactly that is nothing more than appropriate, given the subject matter of the blog.

You're the Anabaptist, I'm the Catholic. I'm supposed to be the one who's guilty about everything.

[Elizabeth]

I agree with the Angry Clam - I thought the photo made sense given your love of marathons and running. I did feel kinda strange at work reading a blog with a half-naked guy on it, and this no pic does make you appear more professional, though.

[Elizabeth]

uh, I meant "new" pic.

[annika]

i always loved the more feynmanesque pic, but you are definitely a hunk either way!

[Hugo]

Feynmanesque? Oh dear, I am flattered!

[Kelly]

Hugo, i'm glad you took it down. Having been in your class it was a bit disconcerting seeing you half naked. I always had to hurry up and read the first part of your posts so I could scroll past the picture. Being at work I didn't want anyone thinking I was looking at the wrong kind of material.