More on condoms

Let me follow up on this morning's post about condoms4life.  I wrote briefly of my own strong "pro-condom" feelings, and I wanted to elaborate a bit.

In a world where women get pregnant and men don't, one task for feminist men in sexual relationships with women is to think long and hard about issues of responsibility and consequences.  It's easy to give lip service to the notion that contraception is the equal responsibility of both partners, harder for even the most well-intentioned man to grasp just how much more serious the consequences of an unintended pregnancy will be for his female partner.  While unplanned fatherhood poses a considerable set of challenges, no matter how involved he plans to be, the man who inseminates his girlfriend, lover, wife, or hook-up will not be pregnant.

So what does this mean for a couple's contraceptive choices?  Well, as we say in the blogosphere often, YMMV.  (Your Mileage May Vary.)  In other words, no one method is right for every couple.  Individual preferences, individual resources, and individual physiologies make it impossible to prescribe one particular drug, practice, or device. Certainly, there is no one "feminist form of birth control."  But one thing is clear: men need to make sure that the "burdens" of birth control, be they physical or financial, are equally shared. A man cannot go through a pregnancy; a man cannot undergo an abortion; a man does not give birth.  But while what happens after conception is entirely beyond his control, what happens before is fully and equally his responsibility.

I like many things about condoms: they are cheap.  They are widely available without a prescription.  When used correctly, they are remarkably effective against both pregnancy and most sexually transmitted infections.  They produce few side effects, aside from the small number of folks who are allergic to latex or spermicide.  And what I really, really like as a pro-feminist man is that they are something the male must wear. By wearing a condom, a man becomes a more active participant in the contraceptive process; his willingness to "cover up" symbolizes his concern for his partner and for himself.   When a man relies solely on his female partner's use of hormonal birth control (pills and patches and so forth), or counts on her to put in the IUD, the NuvaRing, the diaphragm, he is not nearly as equal a participant as he is when he willingly wears a condom (and puts one on without being asked!)

I am NOT saying women shouldn't use other forms of contraception.  Again, YMMV.  But having been married four times and having been in many relationships, I've noted that contraceptive choices do have an impact on the relationship.  I've known many women who took the Pill; some loved it, while others experienced clear adverse side effects ranging from depressed libido to weight gain to more painful periods.  (And then there was the ex who was trying Natural Family Planning.  Of course, her libido was its strongest precisely on the days when she was most fertile, so that was a big bust.)  While it's not my place to tell even my wife what medication to take, if she's only taking the Pill because I don't want to wear condoms, then she is enduring discomfort for my sake.  Given that when we do have children, she'll have the discomfort of pregnancy too, that seems monumentally unfair.  A willingness to wear condoms on my part, in and out of marriages,  is part of my commitment to "leveling the playing field" as much as possible.

Of course, I haven't always been as zealous as I am today.  As I've written before, I got my high school girlfriend pregnant when we were both teenagers.  We weren't using anything, and one reason why was because I tended (at 17) to be unpleasantly sulky about wearing condoms. She used the old "Today Sponge" for a while, but on the day she got pregnant, nothing but condoms were at hand and I didn't want to wear one.  Nothing like watching someone you care about go through an abortion because you were too selfish to "bag it" to make a profound impression!

Globally, condoms represent the best physical tool we have for halting the spread of sexually transmitted viruses like AIDS.  While sexual education and spiritual transformation also have a role to play in the battle to liberate the world from this terrible scourge, condoms represent a relatively inexpensive, easy-to-use practical tool.    Other forms of contraception are simply too expensive and require too much medical involvement to be useful in the developing world. The key is simple: getting men to wear them.  Even more than overcoming the resistance of the Catholic Church to condoms, overcoming male reluctance to wear something that produces an infinitesimal reduction in sensation is the greatest obstacle we've got.

Comments

[Kate]

Condoms are certainly unequalled in their ability to prevent disease transmission. To say, though, that they are more suited to the developing world than other, longer-lasting forms of contraception (especially IUDs) is not always accurate--women in rural settings may not have reliable access to condoms; if subsidized by the government or NGOs, IUDs may be more financially accessible than privately-purchased condoms; women (as you've noted, indirectly) are not always able to demand or negotiate condom use with their partners.

[Glitch]

infinitesimal reduction in sensation

Infinitesimal? Depends on the man. I can't feel anything through a condom. It is impossible for me to have an orgasm with one on. Sure, there are other ways to get off, but in my experience it's disappointing to both me and the partners I've had that I never have an orgasm from intercourse. I've never been in a long-term relationship, but if I ever do I probably would have to require that we use some form of birth control other than the condom, and yes, that will fall more heavily on her than me. If she refuses that would probably be a deal-breaker. I don't see wanting to actually enjoy intercourse as such a selfish desire.

[Hugo]

Glitch, I suggest you shop around, try the ultra-sensitive ones. In a long-term relationship, you may find that orgasming with a condom becomes easier.

Kate, I'm all in favor of targeting a condom message to men -- making a compelling moral case for the use of condoms. Given that you're right, women will struggle at times to negotiate condom use, the IUD and other devices may also be necessary.

[Glitch]

try the ultra-sensitive ones

I have. Same effect. Besides, aren't the ultra-sensitive models just thinner than regular ones? That's the impression I got. If so, whatever health benefits and birth control the condom is providing are likely to be drastically reduced by using thinner ones.

[Hugo]

Glitch, there's no evidence of a compromise in safety (or an increase in pregnancy) using ultra-sensitive. The government sets safety standards that are met by all major US brands (Trojan, Lifestyles, etc.)

[Hugo]

Oh, and Glitch, I am not accusing you of doing this, but I had a buddy who used to get out of wearing condoms by claiming he couldn't come. He would act as if the wearing of the condom was so oppressive that the sex wouldn't be worthwhile, and would actually "play" at refusing sex unless he could go bareback. It worked like a charm for him, and he was lying through his teeth...

[Maureen]

Glitch, I've heard good things about the Inspiral condoms and the ones with the little "pouch" at the tip. Or maybe you and your partner could use the female condom?

[Glitch]

Maureen - Well, if I ever have sex again maybe I'll give them a try.

[The Chief]

I've had a vasectomy (and there is no force in the universe that will ever get me to reverse it, I've had two and the Chiefly baby factory is closed for good now) so condoms are, to some extent, a non-issue to me. As far as other guys go and what I would recommend, I have mixed feelings. On the whole I guess I recommend them if you've not been snipped although my recommendation has less to do with "sharing responsibility" and more to do with trusting the condom instead of a female partner. When the condom is on you know you're protected. When she says she took her pill? Maybe, maybe not. I personally am looking forward to the male birth control pill, it's going to do a whole lot to level the playing field as far as deciding when and if to reproduce. I'm not holding my breath, however. Read somewhere recently that it's five to ten years away, but it seems like we've been hearing that for several decades.

For guys who have had the vasectomy, I think condom use is a non-issue. Here's an interesting article that is hard to argue with although it debunks a lot of assumptions regarding AIDs....

http://www.john-ross.net/aids.htm

[Hugo]

Congrats, Chief. I was wondering if we could get to that old MRA standby, the "all those women out there who want to trap good men by getting pregnant" trope. We got there within ten comments, which is right on target.

Sigh.

[The Chief]

Did I say ALL women? No, of course not. Did I say MOST women? No. But I'm employed as a child support worker. I've talked to a whole lot of men who were told by their partners that everything was covered, and then got a nasty surprise nine months later or so. I believe that there is a significant enough minority of such women out there that I'd just as soon maintain control over my own reproductive power, thank you, especially being determined to have an active sex life (I've pretty much determined to take my pleasures in life when, where and how I can get them). If the situation were reversed (if men had the birth control pill but women had a more reassuring option open to them, like a condom) I wouldn't be offended if she insisted on condom use (or the use of a sponge, IUD, whatever).

[mythago]

Setting aside the Child-Support Vampires meme, the Pill is not magic; it has a failure rate.

Glitch: InSpirals. Can't say enough good things about 'em.

[catty]

The issue with IUD is that unfortunately, it can increase the risk of contracting STDs.
:( It's a damn, damn fine contraceptive for many people.

I'd love to see the male pill happen. although talking to lots of men, I have not had warm reception- most men weren't willing to take it.

Also, the pill and hormonal birth control CAN kill the libido of the woman, but I notice that many men would rather thier GF suffer libido issues (and complain loudly about it) rather than have to use a condom.

One more: pills fail. I can personally attest to that. In fact, I got pregnant while on a pill and using condoms, before the EC days. It's amazing how men accuse you of "trapping" them, and won't even consider that it was possibly a failure of some sort. Women are people too, and women forget to take pills just like men do- but when we do, it's never just an accident, it's always because we're insidious bitches. When a man refuses to wear a condom, he's always justified.

*Groan*

You know what? I 've known women that have indeed "trapped" a man. And there were signs everywhere for months, if not years- before it happened. with the exception on one case, the guy ignored the signs that people have told him about and stuck around for the "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." If he had been honest about his lack of interest for a commitment and acted on it by getting the hell out, he wouldn't be making child support payments now. It's not just the "evil womenZ." Often, the men had a role to play in it by misleading or being uncommunicative or something else.

[The Chief]

Catty, I blame the idiocy of men who won't protect themselves at least as much as I blame the perfidy of women who trap men (thanks for admitting that such a thing can happen, BTW). I just said I support condom use--why is anybody having a problem with this? Is it because I believe having veto power over our own reproductive ability is empowering for men? I thought feminism was about empowering everybody...

[Bianca]

Groovy post!

I must nitpick on behalf of women who track their fertility. I use a fertility awareness method (not NFP, which requires abstinence during the fertile phase). Yes, my libido's high when I'm fertile, so my partner and I... use condoms during that time! Hurrah! :) (Not to mention all the other things one can do to satisfy a libido that don't include PIV intercourse).

In this way, I think we're achieving an equality in who shoulders the responsibility of contraception. *I* track my fertility (he's involved in this process, too) and *he* wears condoms sometimes.

Glitch, I third the Inspiral recommendation!

[Hugo]

Fair enough, Bianca -- my objection to fertility awareness is primarily to that pushed by the "no-contraception crowd". They advocate abstinence during the high fertility phase, which creates the libido problem. If you're willing to use condoms during that time, yay! And double yay for an involved partner! In my past relationship, the goal was "no artificial methods", and that was where we floundered.

[themonkey]

Hugo, I have a problem with this. I consider myself a pro feminist man. I have serious trouble keeping my body in the proper state when the condom comes into play. I dont want to put the pressure of contreception onto my girlfriend, but I dont know what to do, as condoms have proven a great difficulty. I've heard you talk about the guys who dont like to use them before in class and how you think they're just making excuses, but I really would like to use them, they just dont work, as I lose my erection. Without surgery, what are my other options to take the pressure off of her?

[jt]

Oh, and Glitch, I am not accusing you of doing this, but I had a buddy who used to get out of wearing condoms by claiming he couldn't come.

He could be telling the truth, actually. Sensitivity in that area varies from person to person. And some medications (e.g. antidepressants) can make it difficult to come without intense sensation.

(Of course, he could also just be lying.)

I'm not saying condoms are a bad thing, of course - I would never, ever have sex with a woman without one unless we were monogamous and using other forms (as my GF and I are now). But if a less obtrusive alternative is available, I would cheer it on.

[Hugo]

Monkey, I do think talking to a doctor would be an excellent idea. Condoms and erectile dysfunction are not physiologically linked, but there may be a psychological dimension -- and I am not enough of an expert to rule out a physiological problem. If you and your girlfriend decide on alternative contraception, great; YMMV applies here. But do be willing to look at all of the possible causes of this.

As for sensation, one touchy point: sometimes (not always) the complaint is linked to masturbation. If you're ejaculating regularly through masturbation and then trying to have intercourse with a condom, chances are good you'll notice a sensation decrease. Cut back (or cut out) the masturbation, let things build up for a while, and I think you'll notice a rapid increase in responsiveness. Not always the issue, but sometimes it is.

[West Coast Arwen]

Has helped partners of mine for sensation with condoms: lube the inside of the condom (warming-lube a possibility) and larger condoms. Also, some of the enhancers women use (usually having peppermint in them), also have worked. Suggestion for those who are having trouble with the sheath: masturbate using condoms and your variety of lubes and enhancers until you've got some combo that's working. The inSpiral looks pretty good, too.

As for losing an erection; in my experience that's often an issue that practise can resolve; and learning to make the getting the condom on sexy. Also - even going a little tepid is a recoverable thing if you don't worry too much about it, and continue with whatever was so interesting before the condom.

In a long term relationship things like STD tests and female condoms can obviously work; but otherwise, "No glove, no love" just makes sense.

Even if for some reason you're unthreatened by AIDS: Herpes sucks rocks, HPV may give your partner cervical cancer (not to mention how gruesome having your genitals approached with liquid nitrogen for having the warts burned off), gonorrhea and chlamydia can silently cause infertility, etc.

I know people who've been infected with diseases because condoms just weren't worth the hassle; partners who've claimed no prior experience; etc.

STDs are bad news. I have 2 infertile friends - one man, one woman - due to prior infections. Also, one family member with complete hysterectomy due to HPV related cancer.

[Farrell]

I have been concerned about the fact that we drift further and further away from talking about actually controlling ourselves and not engaging in sexual intercourse until we are ready to accept the consequences (i.e. pregnancy). I know "preaching abstinence" ALONE will do nothing to change the situation, but the absolute REFUSAL to even discuss self-control concerns me greatly. Believe it or not, we do have the capacity to constrain ourselves...Christ is the ultimate example of this (witness the temptations he endured during his fast), yet we somehow think it a terrible thing to even suggest we should restrain our urges, as if we have no more control than my dog does when she is in heat.

OF COURSE condoms need to be taught and kids need to know they have access to them and we need to talk about safe sex and how to keep from getting STDs and unwanted pregnancies. But I think we have to cover all the bases. I ran into this when we had an open discussion at my son's middle school where they laid out for us parents what was going to be available to the kids for sex education in health classes. They talked about how they would discuss condoms and the pill and Planned Parenthood, etc, etc, but when I asked about how they were going to address abstinence I was greeted with icy stares and given the "That is not realistic" talk, then stared down, daring me to disagree. Instead I opted my son out of the class and will educate him at home.

My question is, why can't abstinence be discussed? Is it really a terrible thing to suggest that kids learn to control themselves (while at the same time giving them the tools they need to be safe if they choose not to exercise that control)? My son knows the whys and wherefores of sexual relationships and his roll toward women. He knows how to use a condom and that he can trust my wife and I do discuss this kind of topic whenever he chooses (and he initiates the discussions fairly regularly). But he also knows that it is a CHOICE and that maybe the best choice is to wait until he is ready for those consequences before he acts on those urges. I do not kid myself into believing he will go to his marriage a virgin, but at least I put the seed there that it is ok to wait, that he can control himself if he chooses to. That he has more power over his body, mind, and soul than instinct would lead him to believe. And he knows I will love him no matter what he chooses for his life. But it seems to me that never talking about abstinence as a possibility denies the ability to choose (it is after all only giving one choice....have sex no matter what...then the choice becomes do it safely or do it unsafely....what happened to the choice not to?)

[Emily H.]

Thanks for speaking up in favor of condoms.

It seems like a lot of people think of hormonal birth-control as an all-purpose panacea, and minimize the severity of the side effects some women have. I have a clotting disorder (quite a common one, though rarely tested for) and am under strict orders not to do things that could increase my risk of blood clots--like any form of hormonal birth control. I was, nevertheless, briefly on a low-dose birth control pill, whose side effects (I believe) led indirectly to a second-degree burn.

And naturally every couple should work out the birth-control arrangements that work the best for them; but it seems normative for men to expect women to get on the pill, or other hormonal birth control, and voices against that normative expectation are a good thing.

[mythago]

I have been concerned about the fact that we drift further and further away from talking about actually controlling ourselves and not engaging in sexual intercourse until we are ready to accept the consequences (i.e. pregnancy).

Well, Farrell, some of us married people wish to engage in sexual intercourse with our spouses. Are you really suggesting that, since my spouse and I have as many children as we wish, we should now remain celibate for the rest of our wedded life?

thanks for admitting that such a thing can happen, BTW

Of course it can--just as there are men who 'trap' their partners by figuring "she can't leave me if I get her knocked up", or who figure they'll just deny they ever knew the bitch if she gets knocked up.

[evil_fizz]

For guys who have had the vasectomy, I think condom use is a non-issue.

Well, if your only concern is pregnancy, sure, but I think the STD risk makes it worth it.

[Hugo]

Indeed, Farrell; I wrote in favor of condoms today as a married man in a marriage in which they are our preferred contraceptive option. With respect, you've found a straw man.