A long post about mental illness and transformation: replying to the Happy Feminist

I'm a bit nervous about putting this post out there. Here goes.

On Tuesday, the Happy Feminist wrote a long and powerful post about her gradual realization that her father meets the clinical conditions for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  As often happens after a diagnosis is made (or at least conjectured), the person making the diagnosis (in this case, Happy Feminist) experiences the tremendous relief that comes from having everything suddenly make much more sense.  Happy writes very candidly and eloquently about her experiences growing up with a profoundly narcissistic father, and I honor her honesty and her forthrightness.   Happy concludes her post:

I guess this post has turned into something of a therapy session but if feels so good to have a coherent explanation for things that were not only hurtful, but awfully confusing to me as a young kid.  And the other good part is that I am feeling the first stirring of pity I have ever felt for this person.  Being a narcissist sounds like it is ultimately even more miserable for the narcissist than for anyone else.  The narcissist's fear of rejection causes him to behave in ways that ultimately lead others to reject him.  It's an awful cycle, a terrible self-fulfilling prophecy. And there is no hope for the guy because he will never in a million years admit the underlying problem.

I left a comment beneath that post that sparked another post from HF today.  What I wrote was:

From the other side of the coin: years ago, I was diagnosed with a whole "personality disorder cluster". This was back in the days of the DSM-III, and I was one self-destructive, self-involved, egocentric puppy. One shrink had me pegged as "narcissistic personality disorder/borderline personality disorder" with (drumroll...) "psychotic features."

I don't think the good doc was far from the mark. I also worked my ass off in therapy and had a religious conversion, and while I can't say I'm free from narcissism altogether, I'm a damn sight better off than I was. Change does happen, though it is always a matter of both grace and willingness.

I'm grateful that HF responded well to that.

One rather obvious distinguishing characteristic of this blog is my repeated insistence that human beings, particularly men (the sub group of humans with whom I am personally far more familiar, having lived as one for nearly forty years) are capable of far more dramatic change than many think possible.  I know that some of my readers find my repeated "calls to transformation" to be tiresome, repetitive, and annoying.  I have no doubt that some folks who might otherwise have become regular visitors to this blog have left in exasperation, because my conviction that we can and should transform is so obvious and so heavy-handed.  Trust me, I'm working to tone it down.

Obviously, at least in the blogosphere (but not in the classroom), I rely a good deal on my own personal experience.  I often allude to a troubled past, sometimes only in generalities.  (I call it "colorful" too often.)  I don't like sharing details out of respect for the people in my life who read this blog, and out of respect for the fact that my underage youth groupers are also regular visitors.

But my belief that self-destructive, self-absorbed, clinically narcissistic men can become radically new people is born of personal experience.  As I wrote at Happy's place, I've got lots of experience with the mental health system.  Between 1987 and 1998, I was hospitalized six times against my will.  My behavior had become so unstable in one way or another that I was a danger to myself and to others, and I was "placed on hold" in a variety of public and private locked wards.  Four times I was released within 72 hours, but on the other occasions my holds were extended, as I presented a continuing danger to myself and to those around me.  At my nadir, I narrowly avoided a court hearing that could have resulted in me being placed on a conservatorship, with another adult making long-term vital decisions about my care.

The episodes that preceded these hospitalizations were dramatic, pathetic, and characterized by violence and histrionics.  Alcohol and drugs were involved a couple of times, but not always.  But for years and years, even when I wasn't getting hospitalized, I struggled with poor impulse control, with profound and obsessive self-involvement, and deep, agonizing despair.   Though my serious battles with mental illness first manifested when I was a nineteen year-old sophomore, I managed to graduate from college, go to grad school, finish a variety of degrees, and get a full-time job.  I also got married twice in those bizarre and turbulent years. I was very much a "Jekyll and Hyde"; polite, easy-going, and self-effacing in public and incapacitated with fear, rage, self-loathing, and pain when alone.

I can't count all the therapists I saw in those years.  In and out of hospitals, I saw psychiatrists and social workers, MFCCs, MFTs, LCSWs, MDs, Ph.Ds.  I got many diagnoses, but usually I got hit with what I mentioned at Happy's place: a particular cluster of personality disorders.  If you read the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, I was usually described as having a heavy-duty case of "cluster B' disorders: Narcissistic, Antisocial, and above all, Borderline Personality Disorder.  Lots of summaries are out there, but this jives with what I usually saw written on my medical records (I always kept copies of my medical records, and for years studied them with obsessive fascination):

Antisocial: This personality disorder is characterized by irresponsibility, inability to feel guilt or remorse for actions that harm others, frequent conflicts with people and social institutions, the tendency to blame others and not learn from mistakes, low frustration tolerance, and other behaviors that indicate a deficiency in socialization. Less-precise labels psychopathic personality, psychopath, and sociopath are often used as synonyms.

Borderline: This personality disorder is characterized by some of the following symptoms and traits: deeply ingrained and maladaptive patterns of relating to others, impulsive and unpredictable behavior that is often self-destructive, lack of control of anger, intense mood shifts, identity disturbance and inconsistent self-concept, manipulation (form of coping) of others feelings for short-term gain, and chronic feelings of boredom and emptiness.

Bold emphases are mine.  Doctors frequently added phrases I remember vividly, like "with psychotic features or "prone to micro-psychotic episodes." 

These descriptions were me, completely and utterly and unmistakably.   Those who know me now will surely think I exaggerate.  But ask my first wife.  Ask my second wife.  Ask a great many other women I dated in that time period.  Ask the friends with whom I spent every waking moment for a month, and then cut dead without reason or explanation.   My first two wives were both undergrad psych majors.  My first wife was the first to call me a sociopath, but not the last. And though at times I would be crippled by guilt, for extended stretches (months), I would pass through my life as if in a dream, caring no more for those who loved me or needed me than for perfect strangers.  (Actually, like Happy's Dad, I was often much more concerned with perfect strangers, the sort who wouldn't actually make demands on me, than I was with wives, lovers, friends or family.)

And pharmaceuticals?  Don't get me started.  Forget what I took illegally, I can remember being prescribed (at various times, for various reasons): Elavil; Anafranil; Lithium (for three years); Prozac (with the lithium);  Haldol (tough to write a graduate paper on Anselm's Cur Deus Homo while whacked out on Haldol, but it can be done); Wellbutrin; Thorazine( can't write a paper on that, though I tried); Klonopin (my favorite, yum); Valium; Buspar.  I got addicted to benzodiazepines fast, and getting off those -- well, let's say that's the toughest drug I've ever had to kick.  I am sure there were other meds I was on, but don't remember. If you know anything about psychotropic drugs, you can tell that they were trying to treat multiple different things in very different ways.

My spiritual rebirth, which began after a June 1998 suicide attempt, changed me at my core.  I have no clinical or rational explanation for what happened.  I know only that in despair in what I believe will be the last ward I will ever be locked in, I got on my knees and asked God to take over my life.  I had prayed those words in a similar posture before, but never with such abject despair, such brokenness, such certainty that I was close to death.  And though I didn't get a white light right away, I got a sense of peace that has only grown and deepened.

But God coming into my life did not make my personality disorders and addictions magically disappear.  God's grace enabled me to get quiet and still enough to do the work I needed to do to transform.  His grace also gave me the sense that it was possible to achieve lasting, enduring change.  I went to therapy still (for four years after my rebirth), but this time, I worked and didn't play games.  I went to twelve step meetings.  I began going to church.  I went through a prolonged period of voluntary celibacy.  I prayed constantly.  I began working out more intensely.  And the changes in my character, in my heart, in my world view began to come.  They are still coming.

I know we live in a confessional age.  We're cynical about "once was lost, now I'm found" narratives, and rightly so!  We've heard them too often, and we've been burned by the likes of the lamentable James Frey.  But if the alternative to conversion/transformation narratives is a sense of helplessness about the possibility of real change, I'd rather the marketplace continue to be flooded with stories of hard-won miracles.  In some ways, my story is fairly mundane; in other ways, it's fairly dramatic.  And if nothing else, my story makes clear to me (and perhaps to others) that addictions, personality disorders, and mental illnesses can -- through a combination of grace and exhaustive, long-term effort, be overcome.   Especially with mental illness, a clinical diagnosis only describes the past and the present, not the future.   Where there is even a tiny spark of willingness to change (and inside some pretty rotten, crazy people, that spark can be found), there is reason to hope.  I don't write to give false hope to those who love the mentally ill and the chronically addicted.  But as one who has worn the handcuffs, felt the restraints, been locked away and medicated to the point of incontinence again and again, been divorced multiple times, and spent tens of thousands on therapists, I know that change can happen.

When I was in the grips of my narcissism, I thought I was the exception to all the rules.  Today, I know that I am just another man with just another story.  I may still be a wee bit more neurotic than the average bear, but I'm not the volatile self-mutilating sociopath of my youth, either! I may never fully understand all the details of my earlier condition or of my conversion experience.  But I know that if change could happen in my life, well, it can happen for others.

Comments

[lin]

God bless you Hugo. You are a remarkable person. We all love you!

[evil_fizz]

Hugo, I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your forthrightness. Thanks for sharing this, difficult though it may have been.

[Shawna R. B. Atteberry]

I have had to cut off a friend due to her irratic and violent behavior that could very well be NPD (her mother was bipolar, so it could be that as well). You give me hope that one day may be she will see what she really is and get the help she needs. Thank you.

[The Happy Feminist]

You needn't apologize for hammering home the message that it is possible to change. It can't be said enough because so few people believe it.

Thank you so much for this post.

[ilyka]

You blow my mind sometimes, Hugo; this is one of those times. I would never have guessed any of this. Inspiring.

[elizabeth]

I am glad that you have, through a variety of support and hard work, found a balance that works for you and congrats on maintaining that.

However I am deeply disturbed by your statement: "And if nothing else, my story makes clear to me (and perhaps to others) that addictions, personality disorders, and mental illnesses can -- through a combination of grace and exhaustive, long-term effort, be overcome."

While your story has a strong "will to power" element, and can serve as an inspiration for others to work to find thier own balance - your dismissal of permanent long-term mental illness along with pharmaceutical assistance as a form of inspiration to others is misleading. Some mental illnesses cannot be overcome by a willingness to change and prayer - at least not while there is an imbalance of lithium in the brain. Bipolar, unipolar & OCD among others are ones in which submission to God may be benificial to the support of life, but pharmaceuticals are neccessary for long term stability. We don't assume that someone with dyslexia can "overcome" it though devotion and facing themselves honestly, yet we do for ADHD?

I am reminded of the 50's when MS was considered to be simply a physcial manifestation of "hysterical women" who could, if they just focused, pull themselves together. Now we know that it is a degenerative neurological disorder. But how many suffered because they just didn't "try" hard enough?

[Hugo]

Elizabeth, my "can" is not a mandate to all sufferers. Why some make it and some don't is anyone's guess. My condition was grave and real, and my life is different today -- and I don't take meds. But as they always say, mileage may vary. I mean no disrespect to those who haven't had my experience. I am humbly grateful, not arrogantly proud.

[The Happy Feminist]

I didn't read this post as an anti-medication post. I think that the moral message that people can change (and should take steps to change if they are inflicting harm on others) includes change by means of whatever assistance is out there, be it therapy, God, medication, other resources, or combination thereof.

And the concept of "change" can encompass a lot -- from improvement of one's symptoms, regulation of one's behavior, or outright cure.

[franksta]

Oh, wow...I have a total blog-crush on you now, Hugo.

I loved this: "Especially with mental illness, a clinical diagnosis only describes the past and the present, not the future." After a friend was diagnosed with borderline PD, he found the diagnosis more crippling than his experience or symptoms. I reminded him that he was the same person five minutes before receiving the diagnosis as he was five minutes later; the diagnosis was only of any value if it helped him with self-understanding, self-control, change, growth, etc.

At the risk of hijacking a thread and/or starting tangential controversy, I have to say I was struck by a connection between your ideas about "change" as related to mental health and "change" as related to an issue close to me, namely same-sex attraction (I am "ex-gay," with a conservative viewpoint on same). Particularly in regard to your comment to Elizabeth: "My 'can' is not a mandate to all sufferers. Why some make it and some don't is anyone's guess." But the fact that some don't make it doesn't mean that others can't, or shouldn't try.

[The Happy Feminist]

I know I am a sucker for thread drift, but I think the issue of being ex-gay relates back to some of the points in the thread. There are three different issues here: (1) Can a person with a mental illness or same-sex sexual orientation change? (2) Should a person with a mental illness or same-sex sexual orientation change? and (3) (slightly differently) Does a person with a mental illness or same-sex sexual orientation have a moral obligation to change?

As to whether a person with same-sex sexual orientation can change, I am not gay but I suspect the answer may be yes that change at least to some degree is possible. At the very least, I am guessing a change in behavior may be possible, if not a change in orientation. (However, such a change may cause the individual great misery.)

This is a separate issue from whether a mentally ill or gay person should change or has a moral obligation to change. That comes down to whether the mentally ill or gay person is harming himself or others. There is no doubt in my mind that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder have a tendency to inflict harm on others (and the harm may be emotional harm rather than outright dangerousness). Therefore, I have no problem saying there is a moral obligation for an narcissist to change. I don't see any corresponding moral obligation whatsoever for a gay person to change. Just because he can change does not mean he is obliged to do so. There are also, I suppose, mental illnesses which the sufferer has no obligation to change.

(That is not to say that if you franksta wanted to change your orientation or your behavior that you shouldn't have done so.)

[Meri]

I really loved this post, and thank you so much for putting these thoughts out there. People need to understand that each of us are important enough as individuals to merit an attempt to improve our lives if we believe that something is wrong. Whether that improved well-being is attained through medication, work done in the area of personal growth, reaching out to a higher power, or a combination of these is not really relevant, is it? The key thing seems to be an awareness that you are worthy of loving yourself. Like you, I've also been able to surpass severe difficulties in my life through spiritual growth and therapy. In my case, I also discovered that I have ADHD, and without question, the medication (non-stimulant) enables me to have the life I knew I could have. I believe that in some cases (as in my own) your biology simply does not allow you to overcome certain tendencies, so medication is necessary. How much have these things helped me? I'm an ex-alcoholic and ex-drug-abusing hispanic female who grew up in difficult economic circumstances. I'm now pursuing a doctorate in Mathematics and I plan on becoming a professor. My life is refreshingly calm and non-dramatic now, and I hope to inspire others who have grown up in similar circumstances so that they understand that they can achieve and do whatever they wish. They only need to understand that they are worth the effort, and if they need help, they need only to reach out and ask for it.

[BriBri]

OH MY GOD. Hugo, I've been your student and I have regularly read your blog, but I never ever would have imagined you were like this. I knew about the divorces, but this... this just shocks me so much. I look at you and I can't imagine you as a crazy person, doing things to end up in mental hospitals. I wish I could have seen you before to compare you to what you are like now. Or maybe I'm glad I don't know exactly what you were like back then.

Thank you for writing this. I promise not to look at you differently, and really it just makes you more inspiring and admirable. I am dying to know what your wife thinks! How does she handle your past? Will you ever post about that?

[Hugo]

My wife is an extraordinarily wise, spiritual, and patient person. She challenges me as I've never been challenged, and she loves me with an intensity which takes my breath away. It's more than I deserve. Beyond that, Bri, I hope you'll understand that I don't post about our marriage and how we work things out together.

[John]

Nothing to say, Hugo, except perhaps to mention the Herbert which is swelling in my head after reading this-"Love bade me welcome". Sounds like you know it well.

Much love and strength from the Antipodes.

John

[pallavi]

i think if I was one of your ex-wives I'd be really really angry with you as well as your current wife. Seems like it's very convenient for her- she gets to be married to the good, reformed you, while the others had to put up with all your negative behaviour and help you grow. It's a bit like getting to enjoy a nice clean room that someone else has spent all day cleaning.

[Hugo]

Pallavi, my ex-wives (particularly the first two) are entitled to their resentments. But she who is my wife today is in no way to blame for the fact that she didn't meet me until after my transformation. And let's be clear, though my ex-wives and girlfriends often made heroic efforts to "save" me, what changed me in the end was not their codependent devotion but the radical love of God. I say that not to dismiss their efforts, but to make the point that human love alone was not enough to turn my life around.

[Jendi]

Thanks for your courage in posting this one, Hugo. Mental illness has caused a lot of tragedy in my family, and one of the most painful things for me to witness is how people become convinced that they cannot change nor hope for a better life. Don't be too hurt by the nay-sayers. I can see that you're not aggrandizing yourself but trying to glorify God by telling this story. Hang in there.

[Kara-Leah Masina]

Hey Hugo,

Good on you for sharing your story. I too have had mental health issues that were part of the spiritual transformation path I am on. I was diagnosed as bi-polar after two psychotic episodes that were triggered by a kundalini awakening experience I had.

I am in the process of putting together a list fo resources for people who believe their mental illness may have spiritual causes, and have included your article in these resources.

Much joy,
Kara-Leah

[dik]

Thank you very much.u

[bek]

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Public schools have to say, don't have to say the Pledge of Alliegence

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My mind is like a complete blank, but so it goes. Basically nothing seems important, but I guess it doesn't bother me. I've just been letting everything wash over me , but pfft. I haven't been up to anything. Such is life. I can't be bothered with anything.

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O governo estuda a proposta de criacao da idade minima de 67 anos para homens e mulheres se aposentarem pelo INSS

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[Marilyn]

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