Some thoughts on dancing

I am fully recovered from my brief but intense bout with food poisoning, which is happy news (at least for me).  I remain committed to my Lenten discipline of abstinence from diet Cokes and Monster drinks, though the cravings for both have not shown any signs of diminishing yet.  Lots of opportunity for prayer, however, are created in those moments when I feel absolutely desperate!  And I've begun my taper for the Los Angeles Marathon on the 19th.

Last night at youth group, we had "dance night."  For over an hour, some thirty high schoolers and five adults worked on mastering some of the basics of two dances: the waltz and salsa.  "Mimi", my long-time co-volunteer, taught the kids the basics of a box-step waltz; my wife, making a guest appearance at youth group, drew on her own adolescent experience as a competitive Latin ballroom dancer to teach at least the first few steps of salsa.

There was a great deal of laughter as teens and adults stumbled and swayed and made earnest efforts to roll uncooperative hips.  A few of the kids already knew a bit about formal dancing, but most didn't.  Some picked it up quickly, others struggled.  But this wasn't a class in which grades were to passed out for skill and grace; this was an opportunity to have fun and, perhaps draw some important lessons as well.  Most of the kids have at least some passing awareness of the surprise television hit "Dancing with the Stars" (though it ranks far below "American Idol" in their minds), so we were able to capitalize on the surprising resurgence of interest in ballroom dancing.

Both waltzing and salsa are classically seen as having sex-specific roles -- in different ways, a man is supposed to lead the dance while a woman follows.  Hearing the waltz described this way made me uncomfortable, but only for a second.  We didn't have an even number of boys and girls in the room, so when it came time for the teens to pair up and take their first tentative dance steps together, we not only had plenty of cross-sex couples, we also had girls dancing with girls -- and we had boys dancing with boys.  Though the dance required one person to lead and the other to follow, I was struck by how few of our teens felt that their own sex ought to determine which of those two positions they ought to take.  Generally, the more confident dancer led, regardless of gender.  I had worried for a second that we would be reinforcing some antiquated notions about sex roles; my fears were groundless.  Teenagers are oddly conservative about some things, and remarkably open-minded about others.   Last night, their delight in these old and fine dances was blessedly unconnected to any traditional ideas about men and women.

I made a heroic effort to dance with my patient wife, whose skills so vastly outstrip my own that she resembled a tall and graceful Amazon trying to control an over-eager upright bear who had had too much to drink.  The teens, noting the disparity between my wife and me, ordered me to take dancing lessons.  I think it will have to happen.

What I like best about ballroom dancing -- and specifically, what I like about teaching it to kids, even in a very quick evening -- is that at its core, partner dancing is about finding a safe and exciting way to touch.   So many teenagers, and so many adults, are still so ambivalent and confused about appropriate physical boundaries! When are hugs appropriate?  When can we hold hands and caress each other?  I'm not talking just about the desire to touch someone in an explicitly sexual way; I'm talking about the nearly universal need we all have to be physically close.  (Obviously, some of us extroverts have a stronger need than others!) In a rhythmic, sensual, but ultimately safe way, salsa brings bodies close together and then pulls them apart; it creates intimacy but it also creates limits.  And in my experience, that's what we need to teach young folks -- how to get the physical intimacy and validation that they crave, and how to set healthy boundaries so that they neither trample over another person's limits nor allow their own limits to be violated.

I'm not suggesting that kids all start salsa dancing, fox-trotting, and merenguing.  (Though it might be more aesthetically pleasing than what we generally see at high school dances.  Few things are as illuminating and as depressing as chaperoning a bunch of fifteen year-olds eager to "get their freak on" to the beat of Nelly or 50 Cent.) I am suggesting that ballroom dancing teaches lessons that go beyond footwork.   At their core, the teens I know crave touch, they crave contact, they crave intimacy.  But they are also often confused and frightened, unsure of how to ask for what they really want, afraid of losing control or of being violated. The lesson of ballroom dance, whether it has its origins in the tropics or in Viennese salons,is that with practice and with respect we can learn to touch each other safely.  We learn to move not only in response to our own needs, but in response to the needs of our partner.  Dancing, in other words, is the perfect activity to lead us into our next segment of Wednesday night youth group: dating and romantic relationships.  And that's where we're headed.

Comments

[The Gonzman]

I am afraid my talents are limited to "The Highland Fling" and various reels. I'm a real dinosaur in that respect.

Well, Slam Dancing, from my punk-rock days - moshing to you young pups.

Bah. Slam dancing. We invented it. We get to name it.

You know, Hugo - it strikes me that this next generation is the first that is pretty much unable to out-rebel their parents.

[Anna]

"it strikes me that this next generation is the first that is pretty much unable to out-rebel their parents."

Perceptive comment, Gonzman... though in some way hip-hop and its companions are about rebellion too.

Hugo, if you thought that salsa and waltz reinforce classical gender-roles, try tango. You can't get closer to complete male dominance than that. In most ballroom/latin dances, you have set steps, the guy initiates a step, you dance through it, then the guy initiates the next step... Tango, by contrast, is the art of improvisation. As the follower, you have hang on every tiny signal from the leader every split second and respond to his direction that could change constantly in any direction. The leader (the man) will make the follower (the woman) do whatever he wants, whenever he wants it.

And I am not sure that this is a bad thing! I wonder if you would argue that there is no place, ever, for the "game of the sexes". I do not take anybody ever implying that I am inferior because I am a woman, or pigeonholing me in any way due to my gender. However, in the context of interacting with someone who takes me as their perfect equal and we are both aware of this, I enjoy playing the game of the sexes immensely. Emphasis on the "game"! And this is reinforced by the fact that these dances could, and should, be taught by making the partners swap between leading and following roles constantly. Given these two things: knowledge that I am taken as equal, and a learning process that allows for the swapping of roles, I think dancing even in the classical gender roles is harmless, and can be fantastic fun.

[Hugo]

Oh Anna, I completely agree that taking on gender roles -- as ROLES, like those assumed by actors in a play -- can be great fun. I just want to leave room for folks to subvert those roles by reversing them.

Gonz, we're about the same age. I remember slam dancing in 1981-82 to the Circle Jerks and Jodie Foster's Army...

[The Gonzman]

I was more in the Ramones, Sex Pistols, Velvet Underground, and New York Dolls era - a little older than you, but yeah, I remember them. Jodie Foster's Army. Jeez. That's West Coast stuff, there; I was always more into the East Coast stuff, but there was some of the WC I liked. Ever see "Social Distortion?" or "Eddie and the Subtitles?" (F*** you Eddie! F** you Eddie!)

Heh. That should be a blast from the past for you.

[Artemis]

A couple of random thoughts....

First, my husband, dear thing, is convinced he has two left feet and no rhythm, and my attempts to draw him into ballroom dancing have fallen flat. So far. However, we did have one memorable moment while we were dating at a club where we were learning a latin step (I forget which dance) that involved him coming up suddenly within my encircled arms--a rather sexy move and one that he got _just right_ when the instructor and other 2 couples were watching. Apparently everyone felt the sudden pulse of chemistry. It was awesome. And no previous skill was involved. I thought that would hook him (to dancing), but alas....

Second, you MUST watch 'Mad Hot Ballroom', if you haven't already. It's a documentary on the New York City school system's ballroom dance P.E. program for 5th graders and it's simply enchanting. It's also a very interesting look at that stage of life, in competition, in learning to interact with the opposite sex (usually), and in the kids' outlooks on life. It came out last year and you can get the DVD on Amazon, or your favorite corporate congomorate media outlet.

Third, as for the sexism inherent in dancing, I admit that in this case I happily suspend my efforts to unembed embedded sexism--probably because of the 'play' reason Anna mentioned. It's just fun. And while the guy definitely has more control, I think the woman generally has more fun--it's set up to "show off" the woman, after all. And while I think that's a generally unhealthy attitude in real life, it's sooo much fun in dancing.

[Mr. Bad]

Jeez, some of the best punk came from the Left Coast: Black Flag (pre- and post-Henry Rollins), Dead Kennedeys, previously-mentioned Circle Jerks, X, Fear, et al. However, the East Coast and British bands Gonz named were also good, although IMHO didn't have the raw angst that the Left Coast bands did. That said, I really don't consider Velvet Underground or NY Dolls all that punk; being a boy from The Motor City, you really can't compare them to the MC5, Iggy and The Stooges, Sonic's Rendevous Band, Elvis Hitler, or even proto-punkers like Mitch Rider. Hell, even Bob Seeger out-punked that smacked-out Lou Reed with his classic "2+2=?," the best anti-war song ever IMHO. Also, don't forget Texas' offering of the Butthole Surfers. And there's plenty of throw-down punk still going around, notably much of it being done by the ladies, especially from Japan a la Melt Banana and similar bands.

Besides, I'm older than both of you and was stage diving to Iggy, The Ramones, et al., in the mid- and late-70s. And I've got the scars to prove it... ;)

[Artemis]

Hey Gonzman, have you seen New York Doll, the documentary about Arthur "Killer" Kane?

[aldahlia]

"You know, Hugo - it strikes me that this next generation is the first that is pretty much unable to out-rebel their parents."

The minute you say something like that, the kids will find a way. Personally, I was told such a thing in high school. Then the tatoo/piercing thing got huge. Then heroin came back in a big way. Then Riot Grrrl exploded.

Which is to say--don't underestimate. All else fails, the next generation could pull and Alex P. Keaton move, and rebel in just the opposite direction.

[The Gonzman]

Oh Well, Mr. B - a Detroit Punker. Hehehe. How about "? and the Mysterians?" Mmmmm-mmm. The truth comes out.

My, my, my. We are talking kicking it OLD school now. That's all we need now - pictures of the whole scruffy lot of us punked out. Not sure the world is ready for me and the tiger striped hair I used to have back in the day.

Yeah, Artimis - I think I saw that one, though I'd like to see one done about Johnny Thunder.

Let's see - How about the Misfits, S.O.D., Wendy O. Wiliams and The Plasmatics? X? Johnny Thunder and the Heartbreakers? Richard Hell and The Voidoids?

[The Gonzman]

You know - on reflection, I find it notable that a touchophobe like me tends towards dances that don't involve a lot of sustained physical contact.

Hm. Curious.

[Mr. Bad]

? and The Mysterians: "Can you feel it baby?!" Still, IMHO Seeger had one of the best lines of all time: "I ain't saying I'm a genius - two plus two is on my mind..."

Yeah, Wendy O. and The Plasmatics - gotta love the chainsaw solo on "Butcher Baby." As for X, I'm with you there (see above): "You're Phone's Off the Hook (But You're Not)" is a classic. And BTW, I saw them on tour a few years back, the original lineup with Billy Zoom back on guit-fiddle - he still has his silver biker jacket, and just like in the old days girls were throwing underpants at him and he took pictures of the crowd and band from the stage during the show. Besides the band, I might have been one of the oldest farts in the mosh pit up front, but by no means was I alone vis-a-vis the gray-haired crowd. And speaking of old farts, John, Exene, DJ and Billy may be old, but they sure can still rock. Hard.

Misfits - check. Johnny Thunder - check. Richard Hell and Voidoids - yeah, I belong to the Blank Generation. How about Television? Pere Ubu? Or speaking of Ohio, the one and only Devo (who IMO were more New Wave than punk)? Oh, how could I forget MDC, another Texas band? Or the Subhumans (both Canadian and British bands, the latter of "Slave to my Dick" fame)?

Yeah, Old School indeed. When I had hair, most of the time it was buzz cut (you know, the clean cut American look and all) but I did grow it out, dye it magenta and Elmer's glue it up in spikes once in a while. And I can still fit into my black leather biker jacket and shitkickers (or my torn-up Chuck's when the weather's nice). Still, these old bones can't take stage diving any more - can't afford the hospital bills or time off work.

[Mr. Bad]

Gonz, slam-dancing may not involve sustained physical contact, but you gotta admit that there's plenty of contact, not to mention sweat, spit, occasional blood, etc. However, I found that 7 foot Saskwatch-types like you were more something to rebound off of when playing bumper cars with more mortal-sized humans. Or something to aim at when launching off of the stage or PA mains - and praying that you'd decide to pass me around instead of letting me hit the floor.

Still, I hear you re. the touching thing. Sustained touching like slow dancing, hugging (except with the missus), etc., make me a bit uneasy, especially with people I don't know well.

[Hugo]

Let's keep the thread on ballroom dancing... I loved "Mad Hot Ballroom" -- almost made my top ten list from last year...

[Sara]

Hugo, I totally agree with you about ballroom dancing creating an outlet for physical contact. I was way into it as a teenager (though I did kind of use it to pick up on guys and get laid, but I don't know if that's typical) and I really liked that it created a casual outlet for physical contact between people who aren't sleeping with each other. I'm not a very physically affectionate person, and I find that if someone I'm speaking to touches me, I get suspicious. It's depressing when physical contact is construed as someone coming onto you.

My only regret was that because I was always dancing with guys, I didn't get to know a lot of the women there.

[evil_fizz]

Hugo, you should also check out Strictly Ballroom. The costumes are completely outrageous, the characters insanely flamboyant in all respects, and it's Baz Luhrmann in fine form. (Also one of the best "ugly duckling" style movies I've ever seen.)

[Artemis]

I second the Strictly Ballroom recommendation. And, just for good measure, would like to add the Japanese (original) version of Shall We Dance. (I don't know how to hyper-link w/o wordpress so: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0002V7S34/qid=1142005924/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-9925816-3342320?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=130

You know, the reason I started doing ballroom dance--well, country western dance, originally--was because I thought that 'regular' dances were boring. Either you could re-create aerobics moves or bear-hug some guy you didn't know, which was awkward at best. Not exactly the best way to get to know someone. Country western, on the other hand, gave me a chance to get to know different people and learn new moves. It really did ease the transition into friendship, as well as the weird when-how do I touch you thing.

Of course, I'd never been a big fan of country music, even though I developed a taste for the dance speed numbers, and I wanted to branch out, so I took an intro ballroom dance class and started checking out the new (then) swing scene. I don't think I've ever had more fun. It was also a good lesson in learning to trust your partner--dips, lifts, spins, etc. Usually, if an impressive move is to work, you and your partner must be fully committed to it and each other, otherwise it falls apart and sometimes someone gets hurt. You both have to have strength, partnership, and communication. That's a good metaphor for relationships, yes?

[evil_fizz]

A quick lesson in linking in HTML =)

open the bracket with

then type a space after the a and the href=whatever the link is>

With no space after the >, type whatever text you want to have and then close the bracket with /a>

Hope that helps!

[evil_fizz]

gah, open the bracket with a less than sign (

[Artemis]

Shall We Dance

[Artemis]

It worked!! Now if I can only remember all that....

[Artemis]

It worked!! Now if I can only remember all that....

[Antigone]

First and foremost:

You guys are OLD. Seriously, the bands you are talking about were popular before I was BORN.

Secondly, I second (hehe) the notion that dancing is a good outlet for us touch-enthusists.

Thirdly, I can't dance, and most of my friends can't either. What impresses me is when a friend will dance with me anyway.

Fourthly, I don't mind the gender roles in dancing that much: it's just as hard for the guy as the girl, even if there are different roles.

[Anthony]

Dancing is a great way to get a certain amount of touch in a safe environment, though sometimes the dance asks for more than the students are willing to give. I'm taking an Argentine Tango class at CCSF, where the teacher teaches the traditional leaning-against-each-other style. Almost *nobody* does that, even the couples in the class. Part of that is that it's *hard* to do - even when dancing with a friend of mine (with whom it's ok to get at least that physical), I find that it's a little easier to not have quite so much contact. But the non-couples in the class tend to hold each other a little further away than would be enough to make it easy.

[Ron O.]

I love to dance, but the traditional gender roles turned me off to couples dancing. I'm glad your kids are breaking it down a bit. That said, I can see the appeal in the non-sexual touching, I just wish we could come up with some less rigid dance roles that would be a better metaphor for modern relationships. I might even join in the fun then, because I do love to dance.

[wen]

I am a competitive ballroom dancer, a female and, ahem, a LEAD. I also teach dance. I can't compete in most 'regular' competitions because of the way the USDSA defines the dance couple as "one man leading and one woman following." I applaud you for making a space where the dancers who want to lead, can.

One comment on the tango commenter: Actually, Argentine Tango is actually one of the most equitable dances, I feel. First of all, traditionally, men had to learn to follow (for other men) before being taken out to the milonga where they could dance with women. (This is in Argentina.) In the AT classes I've taken (as a lead), we are expected to know many of the follower's moves and exercises. Then again, I'm in the Bay Area, so maybe it's not like that elsewhere, but I've been taught this by the person who made the DVIDA DVD series for Argentine Tango. In addition, the leader gives the impetus, and the follower goes with it; then the lead "follows" the follower until she is done, and they move on to something else. Why does it look like good Tango dancers never make a mistake? Because if the follower gets the "wrong" lead and does something else, the lead just goes with it. Plus there are lots of opportunities in Tango for the follower to embellish and decorate the floor etc.

Wow, I do seem to run off at the mouth about this.

Here's a post I wrote over at my blog on the topic of same sex dancing:

I wanted to laud Fairfax Elementary in SF for not only putting ballroom dance into the curriculum, but making sure that there can be boys following, girls leading, and that the gender/sex of the dancers in the "couple" doesn't really matter. In short, in making sure that the kids are dancing the parts that feel best to them.

I adore ballroom, and, when I bother to practice, I'm good at it. But I hate the fact that I can't compete at most straight competitions, or join the governing associations of my sport. At most comps, if they let me on the floor as a female lead (regardless of whether my follow was a man or woman) they'd lose their standing in the ballroom dance associations that govern the sport and the competitions and rankings and all that good stuff. In San Francisco, people. I can't dance in a competition. It blows my mind.

To be fair: Kudos to Berkeley and the other college, SJ State, who let us compete. They exploited some college loopholes and Ki and I took first in Bronze Waltz at Berkeley--36 couples in that division, and we won. Thank you, Berekely, for letting us dance with your straight people. It's nice to know you're not "good for a gay couple" but actually *good*

City Lights in SF is gay-friendly, but we can't compete. We can pay our money and watch, though. Actually, again, to be fair, we can do a bit more. Because a number of us are relatively decent dancers, with top coaches, and those coaches went to the organizers (their friends) and said, "what about our dancers?" we get an exhibition. What is an exhibition? Usually it's a showcase of dancers, a performance of sorts. Well, in this case it means we pay an entry fee, we wear numbers, and dance our dances like it's a competition, but we can't be judged.

The weird thing is that the spectators will not know we are not being judged as it looks like a normal heat. Some of the same-sex dancers thought it might be good to read a quick statement explaining the situation, and thanking City Lights for at letting us do this. (This would be done to raise awareness. It's like with gay immigration, and other issues and rights that people just assume we have. Better to let them know gently that there's still work to be done by us and our allies.) It's good that they are doing what they can within the rules, but it still rankles. Do you thank people for providing you with a separate water fountain?

Ballroom dancing. It's beautiful. I adore it. It's prejudiced. The USBDA's wording on same-sex dancing sounds like an anti-gay marriage ballot measure, literally defining a couple as "one man leading and one woman following."

I dance not because I "enjoy" it but because it's in me. It's a matter of sanity, like my writing. It's something I, in some senses, must do. There's a quote by a dancer, I think it's Isadora Duncan, saying that she didn't want dancers who wanted to dance, but who had to dance. Something like that.

But yes, my sport doesn't acknowledge me, in fact, it deals with me a very explicit exlusionary manner, in a way that, say, even pro-football doesn't do. I mean, when you sign the contract, it doesn't say you can't play in the Super Bowl if you like other tight ends. And the ballroom rule? It's newly codified. A Mormon was at the helm (may still be) of the ballroom dance association, and when the folks in SF and other progressive places around the country allowed same sex dancers to enter, he went into a frenzy and pushed this new rule (or as he called it, a "clarification") through.

Mind you, like domestic partnership legislation, this isn't just a gay thing; sure a lot of same sex dancers are, but consider this: If I am a female teacher with a female student, and I am teaching her to follow, I will teach her the follower's steps and then dance with her, as a lead, so she can understand the lead, know what it feels like etc. If said student wants to compete, even at the novice level, I need to pass her on to a male teacher, despite the fact that I might be the best match for her pedagogically, in terms of personality etc.

Most community dance teachers can both lead and follow. Yes, straight men know how to teach the follow. Super feminine hetero chicks lead. I, with my strong lead orientation, am a bit of an exception, actually.

And from an economic standpoint, local dance teachers make their money not on group classes but on private lessons, and on competition students. And it's unfair, I believe, if you have a student with whom you work well and who wants to compete, that you have to pass him or her on to a teacher of the opposite sex. You can't just pop them on the floor with a new person, so you effectively lose a (good) student.

Sometimes female students want to learn to lead. Maybe they are curious. Maybe they are more naturally leads. Maybe they are doing it to improve their following (learning the other part will often improve your dancing in your preferred role). Perhaps they are just more comfortable dancing with a woman. (And there are straight women for whom this is true; no creepy aftertaste from weird men.) But alas, no dice. Or should I say "no competition?"

In the same-sex and alternative dance communities, we provide places for these people to dance. Straight women often enter, dancing together. Straight guys switch follow and lead with their gay male coaches. Lesbians dance with their life partners or friends. Gay men shake it up on the floor, following for their straight female teachers. Everyone is welcome. I'm just glad that exists, but it's always in danger of going away. It's hard and expensive to organize these things. But we do it. And really, the Bay Area/Sacramento are the main places these happen in the US. So I am lucky.