Lenten notes, Blood and Water, and "gorgeous" teens

First off, a couple of Lenten notes:

Check out this post from Brian, which compares Ash Wednesday and Lent to the Shi'ite time of Ashura; it's a most unusual perspective, and a welcome one.

We had a wonderful Ash Wednesday service with the kids last night.  The administration of ashes was done in a big circle; each of us took turns making the mark of the cross on our neighbor's foreheads and uttering the old line (Dust thou art...).  There was a certain amount of giggling as foreheads were smeared (some kids discovered that using an index finger is more effective than a thumb for making the mark), but overall, it was very powerful.  We also shared the eucharist in the same manner, with each person taking responsibility for administering the host to his or her neighbor.   I'd much rather received a consecrated wafer from the ash-smeared hands of a fifteen year-old than from anyone else.

Yesterday, I wrote that I intended to give the money I saved by giving up sodas for Lent to Episcopal Relief and Development.  Last night, the All Saints youth staff offered a different suggestion, one I'm wholeheartedly embracing along with the kids: Blood and Water Mission, a charity founded by the Christian rock band Jars of Clay.  Blood and Water is concerned with fighting the AIDS crisis in Africa by providing "clean blood and clean water" to those who desperately need both.  The most practical part of the charity is digging wells in villages across Africa to provide drinking water. 

Our kids -- and our youth leaders -- are ALL being asked to give up soda for Lent, and to give all of the money we would have spent on these drinks to the Blood and Water Mission.  We'll be collecting weekly, and I'm excited.  It means that I can think of some tangible good coming every time I restrict and hold back from buying the diet Cokes and Monsters I love so much.   (And may I say, I'm also darned happy that All Saints is affiliating with a grass-roots evangelical organization, especially one started by one of my favorite Christian bands.)

Lastly, I'm a little bit piqued.  In my post yesterday, I wrote of my youth group kids: even though I see most of them twice a week, I still eagerly anticipate seeing their gorgeous and delightful faces! This morning, there's an email in my inbox from a "concerned parent in Mission Viejo" .  This person writes: 

I"m troubled that you call the teenagers in your youth group "gorgeous".  To me, though you may have meant it innocently, it sounds like a term to express lust or desire.  If my daughter were in your youth group at All Saints Church, I'd be worried that her volunteer pastor thinks that "his kids" are "gorgeous."  It makes me wonder about your motives for volunteering with so many teenagers.

I'm not much older than you,and when I was a teenager at church, I had a youth leader who committed some very serious boundary violations against me.  Everyone thought he was this great superhero, so loving and so kind and so clsoe to Jesus. He hurt me very badly.  So I am very acutely sensitive to words and phrases that suggest that someone might be like him.  When you talk about not being able to wait to see your "gorgeous" teenagers, it really really bothers me.

I haven't replied to the e-mail yet.   Half an hour ago, I was very angry and defensive.  Now, I'm calm.  Those who've "seen me in action" over the years at All Saints know that I have excellent boundaries with our teenagers.  Both because of my volunteer experience with youth, and because of my professional background with issues of sexuality and gender, I'd like to think I'm excruciatingly careful not to violate the tremendous trust that has been placed in me.  It's crucial to me that parents, church staff, and the kids themselves know that Hugo is a very, very "safe" man.

What did I mean when I called my kids "gorgeous"?  I meant that every last pickin' one of them is beautiful and precious to me. I meant that I'm in awe of the life and the spirit I see inside of them. I meant that sometimes, I see Christ shining right through them, and that's so flippin' gorgeous it takes my breath away.  (Sometimes, of course, I think I see Beelzebub himself coming out of a few of my teens, but that's another topic!)  To me, "gorgeous" meant "when I see my teenagers, I'm filled with spiritual awe and wonder" not "I think my teenagers are hot."

But my intentions and someone else's perceptions are not the same thing. I should have realized that "gorgeous" is a term that can be understood in many ways, and that a parent -- particularly one with his or her own background of abuse -- might easily misconstrue my intentions and my feelings.  While I trust myself and believe myself entirely worthy of the trust placed in me, I cannot expect perfect strangers to understand my choice of words in this instance. In our contemporary climate of hysteria about pedophilia and sexual abuse (particularly in church settings), I owe it to the community which I serve to be hyper-vigilant about how my words and actions are perceived.  And though I might still use the word "gorgeous" in that community to describe my amazing, spirit-filled kids, I'll be careful not to use it or similar terms on the blog without providing an explanation.

Comments

[Jodie]

Sometimes people worry too much about individual words and not enough about actions and tone.

And I agree -- the sheer exuberance with which children live is gorgeous, much the same way kittens and puppies and colts are gorgeous.

[Sydney]

You said, "gorgeous and delightful faces," not gorgeous teenagers or their gorgeous bodies. I think you were misunderstood. Please don't stop describing their faces as anything but gorgeous and delightful. Just as you say young people (especially girls) need to have interactions man who is "safe," I think it is important for them to hear words like "gorgeous" and "delightful" in a safe, positive, celebratory, non-sexual context. Do we really want to relegate these words of beauty and joy only to the realm of lust and desire?

Now, if you had said you can't wait to see your teenagers' gorgeous bodies, I think the person who emailed you might have a point. (I know our bodies and spirits can be gorgeous in a purely celebratory (non-lust/desire-related) sense. But I could see how talking about young people's "gorgeous bodies" could get one in trouble.

[Breadfish]

Yea, I think they overreacted and misunderstood you. I wouldn't take it to heart, you didn't actually say something wrong.

If this person wants to split hairs over a few shades of percieved (not even intended) meaning, fine, but I think they're upset over nothing.

[Camassia]

Seems like we're on a liquid-Lent theme this year: I decided to give up alcohol, and my boyfriend decided to give up Mountain Dew. I don't know how to reckon how much money it's saving me, since I generally don't buy it in discrete serving-size units, but it sounds like a good bandwagon to get on, in some way or other.

[Uzzah]

But my intentions and someone else's perceptions are not the same thing. I should have realized that "gorgeous" is a term that can be understood in many ways, and that a parent -- particularly one with his or her own background of abuse -- might easily misconstrue my intentions and my feelings.

This is not about you. You did nothing wrong. It's unfortunate that this concerned parent had "boundry violations" that have apparently made them hypersensitive to even non-sexual words used to praise their children. There are many people these days that see sexual abuse behind every bush (no,not george). While we do indeed need to be vigilant in protecting our children, the "hysteria" about pedophilia and sexual abuse is becoming so pervasive in our society that in the long run I think our children are being hurt more than they are being protected.

Perhaps this parent would do well to seek abuse councelling if they have that much pain and angst. This says it all:

I"m troubled that you call the teenagers in your youth group "gorgeous". To me, though you may have meant it innocently, it sounds like a term to express lust or desire. If my daughter were in your youth group at All Saints Church, I'd be worried that her volunteer pastor thinks that "his kids" are "gorgeous." It makes me wonder about your motives for volunteering with so many teenagers.

I don't think it would have mattered much your choice of words. This parent pretty much says it outright. Even though you may have meant it innocently, you are a man. Men that volunteer to work with teenagers abuse. Case closed. You are guilty by gender association and they care not that you are "pro-feminist."

Where it gets really dicy is when false allegations are made against men (like in custody cases). You are guilty until proven innocent and the fallout can be much more serious than being drummed out of your youth group.

[alexander]

the teenagers in your youth group "gorgeous".

There's nothing wrong with you making this comment. Young people often, collectively, have qualities like hope which radiate through. Hugo, stand by your convictions!

[Hugo]

Uzzah, I'm willing to accept the "guilty until proven innocent" approach as a sad but necessary cost of doing the work I do. I simply prove myself innocent through my actions.

Camassia, kudos on your prayerful decision (and that of your boyfriend) to make a significant Lenten sacrifice.

[Uzzah]

Uzzah, I'm willing to accept the "guilty until proven innocent" approach as a sad but necessary cost of doing the work I do.

I sir, am not.

You know, I thought I read on a recent post of yours that you were unwilling to apologize personally for behavior attributed to the actions of others.. Something like this:

"I don't believe that any of us, ever, ought to apologize for the actions of others. I've never apologized for all the lousy things men have done to women, or whites have done to blacks, or what-have-you. We don't overcome sexism by imposing collective guilt on any particular group. "

When you play the martyr and accept injustice, which the stereotyping of men in this situation certainly is, you are simply being an apologist for the misandrist attitudes that have been collectively heaped on men. You do the men and boys in your life (as well as yourself) a disservice.

From what I've read of your posts, you are doing great work with your kids. That is commendable. You don't need and don't deserve to be automatically labeled suspect simply because you are a man.

[Hugo]

Uzzah, refusing to apologize for what I haven't done is one thing, accepting the reality that we live in a climate of heightened suspicion of adult men who work with teens is another.

[Shfwilf]

I'm sorry this happened to you, but in some ways it's a good thing in that it may:

1. Raise your consciousness a bit as to how men in our society are treated.

2. Lead you to take steps to protect yourself.

It's a very short trip from an email like this to an accusation of impropriety. If that happens, even though you have not done anything wrong, you will find that your entire life will become an instant nightmare. Best case, you will spend a lot of time and money defending yourself against a false accusation and succeed, but find that your reputation has been ruined. Worst case, you will fail and find yourself labeled a criminal as well as losing time, money and your reputation. You may even find yourself in jail.

I hope you will think long and hard about these possible consequences.

I'm a mental health professional (Child & Adolescent Neurosychologist) and for the last five years I have refused to treat any female patients of any age for any reason. I do this not because I dislike females, but because I need to protect myself to the extent that is possible, and I see no other way of doing it. This doesn't protect me from an accusation that I did something inappropriate with a male patient, but at least it lessens the odds a bit that something bad will happen to me.

Perhaps we need to work to change "the reality that we live in a climate of heightened suspicion of adult men who work with teens" instead of just passively accepting it.