The comfort of youth group

After a long day of digesting election returns, I left campus Wednesday emotionally and physically exhausted. I did a lot of comforting yesterday. In one or two of my classes, the students looked positively shell-shocked. My colleagues were almost uniformly grim. A couple of my students talked openly of the coming of the draft -- something they see as inevitable. (Parenthetically, I note that a few weeks ago, I asked students in one class if they had a friend or relative serving in the military in Iraq. 90% of the class -- made up mostly of people of color -- raised their hands.)

There's lots of commentary flying around in the blogosphere at the moment. (And some lovely reflections as well, check out this piece by Christy.) I'm not sure I have much to contribute to the political discussion, frankly. (Though as I look closely at the results of a variety of close legislative races here in California, I'm a bit more optimistic about Golden State Democrats than I was before.) I'm still sad, still scared, still bitterly disappointed. But with a wonderful, amazing, beautiful fiancee; a large and loving family; a delightful chinchilla; and tenure in a job I love, my sadness and fear is not for myself -- it is for the poor, for the environment, for sexual minorities, for the most vulnerable and most marginalized in our and other societies.

Lisa posed a question to me in the comments section of my "exit poll" post below:

Hugo, are you really this grounded and generous?

It's a nice compliment, and Lisa, I thank you. But whatever groundedness and peace I have in the outcome of this horribly disappointing election is a gift of grace -- and a gift that comes from working with teenagers. Forgive me, but the rest of this post is going to be fairly self-indulgent.

Wednesday night, of course, is youth group night at All Saints. And that is where Hugo got his comfort last night.

Yes, there was clear disappointment in the eyes of the kids, several of whom still proudly wore Kerry-Edwards buttons and t-shirts. There were flashes of anger. But there was also a considerable amount of bewilderment. "My kids" have grown up in a sheltered progressive environment. When you're 15, after all, most of the adults you interact with are your teachers, your parents' friends, and adults at church. For the vast majority of our kids at All Saints, that means that the overwhelming majority of grown-ups they know are political and social liberals. It's not that they don't know any conservatives -- it's that they don't known many of them well, and they seldom encounter them in positions of authority and leadership. As a result, most kids seemed more certain than the adults in their lives that Bush was going to be defeated. John Kerry's defeat drives home the point that the majority of the adult world does not see things the way their parents, pastors, and youth leaders see things! That's a sobering, even frightening conclusion for many of them.

But we chose not to focus on the election for much of youth group last night. The kids are getting that everywhere else. Instead, we made the theme seasonal: "Thanksgiving." Last night was a night for gratitude, not bitterness. We did one of my favorite exercises: each kid (and youth worker) put their names on a sheet of paper, and then we gathered in a large circle. We then passed the papers to our right, writing short, loving things about each person whose paper we received. The process continued until everyone got their own paper back, with some 25 separate affirmations, all of them couched in the language of giving thanks for the special qualities of each teen.

When we first did this exercise a few years back, I wasn't sure it would work -- but every time we do it, it's a huge hit. The kids invariably save their sheets; several of our older kids reported still regularly reading the ones they had been given in years past. By the end of youth group, the kids were giddy and the adults were beaming. We had to shoo the teens out at the end, because most just wanted to stand around and hug us and each other. It was very uplifting. Yes, youth group is about more than just endlessly affirming teens as they are. It is important to challenge and disciple them as well. But sometimes, they don't need discipling. They need agape made tangibly real. They need to be told they "rock." They need to be "loved on."

What does this have to do with the election? Not much, I suppose, save for the fact that in frightening and disappointing times, the work of the church continues. These same kids whom we comforted and affirmed last night will be needed in the years to come to feed the homeless. They will be needed to welcome the marginalized. They will be needed to do these things in a second Bush Administration, but they would have been just as needed under a Kerry presidency. This is the work of the church. In doing this work that is older, simpler, and in some real sense more necessary than politics, one can find considerable comfort.

I brought home my "sheet of compliments" last night. More than one kid wrote: "Hugo, thanks for being there everytime I need to be heard." How on God's green earth can I be depressed when I have that in my life? I'm not at peace today because I am aloof. I'm not at peace today because I don't care about the election and the world. I'm at peace because years ago, I had the common sense to choose to give my time, my energy, and my love to young people -- not because I am virtuous or selfless, but because I know damned well that in a bewildering and frightening time, they are the ones who will keep me balanced and sane. (And that's no easy task, believe you me!)

Comments

[mythago]

Thanks, Hugo.

[Xrlq]

These same kids whom we comforted and affirmed last night will be needed in the years to come to feed the homeless. They will be needed to welcome the marginalized. They will be needed to do these things in a second Bush Administration, but they would have been just as needed under a Kerry presidency.

Good point. Have you ever noticed that the homeless problem was so much larger during the two Bush Administrations than it was during the eight years in between? Neither did I, but the media sure did.

Those draft rumous just won't die, will they?

[Enyo]

Hi Hugo! I'm a 20-year-old Canadian university student who stumbled upon your blog yesterday. I've been fascinated by some of your previous posts; the one about feminism and food, for instance.

When 2 teachers from my high school took 13 students to Ghana, Africa in August of 2002, we did the same activity you used with your youth group. We'd been having some problems on the trip - being in a foreign country (and Ghana is very foreign to Canadian-born students!) was very stressful and difficult for all of us. By the time we left we were all feeling a bit alienated from each other.

Someone suggested that we do the same activity you were talking about. Many of us had done it before, in summer camp or in school or at youth groups - we call them 'warm fuzzies' or 'fuzzy-wuzzies'. They work great! Even though the trip was more than two years ago and I haven't seen many of my fellow travellers in a long time, I still have all my warm fuzzies and I get them out and read them every now and then.

As lucky as you have been to work with and be inspired and comforted by the people in your youth group, they must feel just as blessed to spend the time they do with you!

[Gabe]

Relating to the post on liberal fundamentalism, your post makes me think of a student of mine who has also grown up in a sheltered liberal environment (extremely rare in North Carolina) and can barely conceive of how conservative Republicans exist. I've lived with conservative kids enough to know where to prod and make them recognize the limitations of their upbringing, but how do you point out how closed an "open mind" can really be? It's a question I'm far from being able to answer myself.

[Lisa]

I had an experience much like your student the year Bush Sr. lost reelection. Born and raised and sheltered in rural religious conservatism, it never occured to me that Clinton would win. I rememeber the shock vividly. I changed a lot over the next four years and actually voted for Clinton, much to my mother's horror.

[John]

Nice post, Hugo. For the record, I felt just the same when a lovely Catholic rural Tory was rejected in favour of a quasi-lesbian Lib-Lab for PM in 2002. (Admittedly, his campaign looked like the inept Captain of High School debating who had lost his speech notes, but he was one-of-us, and I went to the mat for him. The country, to put it mildly, only noticed his gentle incompetence) And I got my comfort in the same place-With my ten year olds. I think we played cricket, as I recall. The long faces at my elite university are a joy to watch; my American lecturers-in-exile are convinced the "stupid people" won. (Translation: "You mean we'll have to talk to a conservative Christian?"). Many Kerry-ites-in-exile here just don't understand why "values" are so important to so many people. Of course, as Lisa writes, this cuts both ways. Maybe the Christian Left could do a little bridge-building; You'd like that, I'm sure.

[mythago]

What's a quasi-lesbian?

[NancyP]

What are "values"? Out here in St. Louis, our Catholic archbishop proclaimed that same-sex marriage was always more evil than war. Tell that to little 10 year old Ali, who lost both of his arms, one leg, both parents, and two of three siblings in a bomb attack on his civilian house in 2003. But he is only "collateral damage".

[La Lubu]

mythago, a quasi-lesbian is a term used to describe a straight woman that you both disagree with, and wish to demonize...someone who you want to be hated as much as lesbians are hated.

[John]

No. Credible reports are that she is a closet-lesbian. She herself says she married her husband for convenience and to secure her career, and she herself has come close to admitting it.

[Col Steve]

A couple of my students talked openly of the coming of the draft -- something they see as inevitable. (Parenthetically, I note that a few weeks ago, I asked students in one class if they had a friend or relative serving in the military in Iraq. 90% of the class -- made up mostly of people of color -- raised their hands.)

Hugo: I'd give your students this thought experiment. Suppose your professor gave you 1 assignment a week. While your ability to accomplish this depending on other demands on your time, you could generally hand in a good product every week.

Now, here are two scenarios. In the first, your professor tells you for the next month, you'll have 2 assignments, but at the end of the month, you'll go back to 1 per week. Now that period may stress your resources and impact other assignments, but you know you'll go back to a steady state.

In scenario two, your professor tells you you'll have between 2-3 assignments per week, not only now, but as long as your in school.

Now, in which scenario are you more likely to resort "inevitably" to extraordinary methods to meet the demands?

The point is Scenario 1 is President Bush's current budgeted/programmed military (temporary 30K increase in the Army - and the Army has already met that increase -that gets reduced by 2007 - and hence the recruiting burden starts to fall next year). Scenario 2 is the proposed Kerry 40K ** permanent ** increase in the Army. I've had more than a handful of people ask me about a draft and I always ask them if they've actually read the positions of Bush and Kerry with regards to size of the military - the President's position is a little harder in that you have to go read the testimonies of Secretary Rumsfeld and the Chief of Staff, Army before Congress this year (a simple google search though).

It's pretty hard to think critically if you don't actually read the positions and research the facts. I'd ask your students if they believe a draft is inevitable to explain the logic, based on facts and not spinned analysis, that leads them to that conclusion.

I'm not quite sure your point with the parenthetical statement - The death rates in Iraq for African Americans (12.7%) are on par with their representation (14%)..same for Whites (70% KIA to 69% representation)..females death rates are a couple percentage points higher than their representation..

"John Kerry's defeat drives home the point that the majority of the adult world does not see things the way their parents, pastors, and youth leaders see things!"

What's frightening to me is that we would teach our children that such a binary choice captures the way the rest of those adults who cared to vote see things. As your early post showed, some Dems voted against SSM and some Reps voted for it. The Congressional races show folks make distinctions between national and state candidates. We ask our candidates to hold tens of positions on issues, have as many "plans" for them regardless of whether the President actually controls the execution of those plans, and then conclude that voting for one person equals complete agreement with the entire portfolio of positions and plans when the calculus of individual voter decision making runs from single issue to complex weighting of tens of issues? It's no wonder if we teach our children to see things in such black or white terms that we have folks acting as if the world is going to end tomorrow or that one side must be "stupid".

There are good ideas on both sides of the political spectrum to solving complex public policy issues - good governance is hard enough these days without teaching our kids that the election of one party means the environment will somehow fall apart or the election of the other means the collaspe of society. Hope we're a little better than that..

[mythago]

Credible reports are that she is a closet-lesbian

Doesn't the Bible have something to tell us about gossip?

Regardless, she's either a bisexual woman, or a lesbian. There's no such thing as a "quasi-lesbian."

[Hugo]

Mythago, good point.

Col Steve, I assure you we don't teach the kids a kind of Manichean dualism. But what I heard quite a bit of on Wednesday night was, "I had no idea there were so few of us and so many of them." Our kids have been sheltered, just as many of my students of color are sheltered and are shocked to encounter virulent racism when they travel to other parts of this country.

[John]

It's not gossip, actually. She was "outed" in a semi-official biography (with which she co-operated) written by her media advisor.