Embarrassments, running, bodies

I had my first fall off my new bicycle yesterday. I've had my Shimano pedal clips for two weeks, and after some initial awkwardness have been doing reasonably well at clipping in and out of them. While riding with my fiancee (a veteran rider in her own right) through South Pasadena, I came to a four-way stop. Thinking I had the right of way, I began to head into the intersection. A BMW sport-utility had other ideas, however, and I had to put the brakes on hard. I came to an immediate stop, and my mind went completely blank. I had utterly forgotten how to "clip out" of the pedals. For one awful instant I teetered, and then collapsed in a most undignified heap in the street. Other than a slight strain to my knee, I sustained no physical injury.

Of course, when one falls off a stationary bicycle in the middle of the road, one's first thought is not of injury! As soon as I had hit the asphalt, I felt my face flush with intense embarrassment. I got up, waved off the various concerned drivers, and walked to the side of the road with my bike. My gal came over to check me and the bike out, but all I could think of was the number of people who might have seen my fall. I was immensely grateful that no other cyclists were nearby at the time of my fall; it's bad enough to embarrass oneself in front of motorists, but to fall over in the manner in which I did in front of other riders -- ouch. I'll admit it: I want to look competent! Decked out in new gear, on a nice new Trek 5000, I can pass for an experienced rider; forgetting how to unclip and falling over while completely stationary is ample evidence that I am anything but. Still, it's all part of learning something new, and for the time being, I have to accept my inexperience. Honestly, falls like yesterday's are probably good correctives for smugness.

I'm not giving up running for cycling, of course; I registered last week for my next marathon: the Saddleback Mountain Trail Marathon on November 20, which bills itself as "the toughest marathon in California." (For those who know anything about marathoning, the fact that even elite runners can't break three hours on the course ought to say something; the course record is a 3:16). I'll admit it: if it didn't appear to be so difficult, I wouldn't be half as interested in running it! I'm not as fast as I was six years and twenty pounds ago, but like a lot of folks, my stamina has grown even as my speed has declined. I'll be happy breaking five hours on a course like this.

I've been thinking about male body image again. We were at a nice dinner party last night, and I was seated next to an attractive couple in their early forties. Both are actors, both are in terrific shape and look at least a decade younger than their actual ages. The husband and I (I'll call him Tim, not his real name) chatted about the "industry" and the struggle to keep in shape throughout the meal, and then dessert came out. (My fiancee was in charge of dessert, and had arranged all sorts of little cakes and tarts on to platters -- all of it delicious, all of it fattening). I dove in with enthusiasm. Tim waved the platter away, though his eyes made it clear that he would like nothing better than to join me in a chocolate mousse or a fruit tart (or, as in my case, both). He'll be going on auditions this week, auditions where he may well need to appear shirtless. Tim's six-pack of ab muscles is part of his curriculum vitae, even in his forties. To play with words, how he eats affects whether he eats!

Driving home last night, I thought more about Tim. At first, I thought of him in terms of myself (how unsurprising.) I had a six-pack a few years ago when I watched my diet more rigorously; I settle for merely being "firm" today. I wasn't happy when I watched everything I ate, even if it did pay dividends in terms of my speed on the track and in races. Of course, unlike Tim, my body is all but irrelevant to how I make my living. My students don't care what I look like; casting agents care very much about what Tim looks like. But yet despite the fact that our different careers affected our different eating choices last night, I found myself jealous of Tim. I wan't jealous of his six-pack; I was jealous of what I was interpreting as his greater self-control.

You see, those of us who work around body image issues (as I do) are not immune from cultural pressures! Being intimately familiar with "body history" and the origins of our own contemporary ideals are not prophylaxes against one's own anxieties! Indeed, I know damn well I started doing so much work around body issues (and eventually, teaching entire courses on "body history") because like so many women (and a rapidly growing number of men), I have struggled for years with what is often referred to as "body dysmorphia." It's gotten much, much better in recent years -- but it hasn't vanished completely. By the way, Brian has posted on this subject today; check him out here.

Sigh. I need to work up a whole post on male body image issues sometime soon. Though male anxiety about the body has similar features to women's insecurity, there are also unique characteristics to men's struggles that have been routinely under-reported and under-analyzed (often because so few men are willing to write about it!) I'll try and touch on that in an upcoming post.

In the meantime, my knee is fine today. I've got four classes to teach today and 12 hours to spend on campus, so it's time to do some other work.

Comments

[scott]

I have had a few of the brain freeze unable to unclip moments myself. The whole body image thing is interesting for men. In my own life it has been very hard. The last three years I went from riding several thousand miles a summer to three times a week. This year I have not riden at all. That has caused my four pack to become a many keg. All I can think of is what will my fiance think? That is not good.

[Aurora]

When I was living somewhere that had icy winters, I had what I consider to be the unhappy tendency of slipping on ice. Sure, ice is slippery, but when you're walking into a huge public building and you think to yourself, "Can't fall, people watching," and then you do a cartoonish sort of windmill only to land on your knee, dropping your bookbag.. well..

Come to think of it, that happened not too long ago when I stepped off a curb wrongly... in warm, dry weather. Maybe I'm just an unfortunate klutz. :( I think there's a reason I wasn't named Grace. ;)

[Trish Wilson]

I have a ten speed that's been sitting in my yard all summer because I'm too scared to ride it. I never had a ten speed when I was a kid. I had a regular, push-back-to-brake bike. I have no idea what to do with a ten speed, but everyone rides them around here. I have another two weeks or so before the 10 years of snow begins to figure this out. The only way I know to properly break is to fall off.

[anj]

I would love to hear more about male body image issues. A few days ago, I was shocked when my slender 12 year old asked me if I thought his stomach was too fat, and my 14 year old asked if he looked better now that he is getting muscles in his legs. Your blog is an important source for knowledge about the three young male souls who are under my care. Thanks for helping me to grow as a mom.